The turbo-charged hearse roars to a halt outside MI6 headquarters and out steps Goth Bond, suitably attired in black. He strides purposefully in through the door as he has been summoned by his boss, Y. Why Y wants to see him is a mystery but he knows it will be some mission to save the world and only he, O-69 can complete the mission with his license to thrill.
He opens the door and casually throws his black fedora expertly onto the hat stand on the other side of the room. "Oh Goth, you've come" exclaims Y's secretary in a husky voice, "Indeed I have Miss Funnyfanny and you look good enough to eat" replies Bond. She blushes and her lips appear to grow - "Why?" she asks breathlessly. "Well that is the reason I'm here" says Goth, "I presume the old man's in?". "Oh that Y" says a clearly disappointed Funnyfanny. A voice comes over the intercom "Is Bond here yet?" - "Just coming past Funnyfanny now" replies Bond and so he enters.
Five minutes later and Goth Bond knows how serious the situation is, the Spice Girls are threatening to reform "Y trust me" says Bond "It can't happen and I won't let it happen" and with a swirl of his cape he turns and leaves, pausing only to kiss Funnyfanny tenderly.
Before he can depart though he knows he has to go and see the technical boffin U - the one person who can provide Goth Bond with the funky weapons he needs. U bends down over his desk with his hands over his ears and Bond quickly scans the room for the likeliest thing that's about to be blown up. Seeing nothing he says "Hey U?" and U turns and says "You're back Bond", "No U" Bond replies, "Back's my brother, I'm Goth". Now that they have done the silly spy greeting Bond can explain what he needs. U collect all the gadgets and loads them into the back of the hearse "Thanks U" he says and guns the engine into life.
A few hours later Goth Bond sneaks unnoticed into Madrid, capital of Spain. After having sex with 2 or 3 dusky Spanish maidens (he has to as it's in his job description) he sets off in search of his target. Bond knows what he has to do and how he's going to do it. Less than 2 hours later, he has achieved his aim - persuade Beckham to move his family to America, far enough away from the other Spice Girls that no reunion is possible. It was quite simple really, all he had to do was give the ex-England captain a monster of a chinese burn until he agreed. With tears in his eyes, Beckham signed the papers and once his vision had cleared, said to Bond "It kind of er, well it looks like a tattoo really doesn't". "That's the spirit Becks - now pack up your kids and that twiglet you call a wife - just take the money and run".
Now it was time for Bond to relax, time to see Pussy Galore. He knew just where to go and so he went, in a suave and sophisticated way. A couple of hours later, Pussy is exhausted but manages to whisper "Oh Goth, I wish I'd have known you were coming" - to which Bond just raises one eyebrow and smiles. He reaches for the champagne bucket and gently waits for Pussy. "I think I fancy a trip to the Casino" - Pussy always makes him feel lucky. "You go ahead Goth, I have a few things to do" and so Goth heads down to the Casino.
Unbeknown to Bond though, his arch rival Blowjob had been waiting for the opportunity to get rid of Pussy. Whilst Goth was at the tables with his Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred, Blowjob had dealt a fatal blow to Pussy. Sensing something was wrong, Goth rose from the table and went to look for Pussy. Alarm bells started ringing when he couldn't find Pussy - this was bad news for Goth - no Pussy..............
*Tune in soon for the next episode*