The Perfect (female) Day

Ha ha - figured it out eventually. The perfect day for a woman done and dusted (I think) The non-schedule runs something like this:-

• 11 hours sleep in a big comfy bed in complete peace
• Wake up being cuddled by friendly partner (no sexual intent)
• Delivered breakfast in bed - weetabix, honey, grapes, cheese, crackers, coffee, fruit juice, chocolate, more fresh fruit and more hot coffee
• Papers in bed - 3 languages (Clever peeps that speak many languages need the variety)
• Sun
• Walk in town - in warm sunshine surveying shoe shops, jewellery shops etc
• Drink on terrace - large amounts of love in the world - survey in a lazy fashion
• Back home - buying chocolate cake on the way
• Buy coffee for homeless person (Leo) and water for his dog Bo
• Meal prepared, cooked and presented - roast chicken in honey and mustard, potatoes, broccoli with sesame oil and seeds, and other assorted vegetables, gravy in a slightly oriental fashion
• Chocolate cake
• Coffee
• Favourite TV show & film
• More sleep in said comfy bed

In between, at random but at hours/minutes of choosing, that 'making babies' thing.

So endeth the first lesson. Alright, it's maybe not perfect but the complaint box is empty!

Now I need a week to recover - well, maybe not but I am exhausted.

a luego,
S

The Laws of Drinking Alcohol

As I have been drinking for more than 25 years now (not constantly - one does require sleep, sex etc) I feel I can postulate on my theories with some degree of expertise. To explain I have compiled this list along with explanations in English.

1) The degree of consumption is inversely proportional to the level of intelligence. -> the more you drink, the stupider you get. Sad but true. Bear in mind the phrase 'It seemed like a good idea at the time' - it's your 'get out of jail free' card and you may well need it.

2) There is a marked increase in the number of attractive people in any one place which correlates to consumption increasing -> stange how this one works. Walk into a bar and everyone is ugly. Five pints later and the place is full of attractive people. Ten pints later, it's like you have entered a beauty pageant. Until the morning afterwards and you wake up next to "gaaarrrgh - I didn't did I?".

3) The world is just a great big onion. -> Marvin Gaye has a lot to answer to over this song. He made some of the most beautiful songs ever and then came up with this. Unfortunately, after a few drinks this is the one you will be singing whilst attempting to climb out of the ditch you fell into on your way home.

4) Reality is a concept. -> speaks for itself really - or the Vodka/Whisky you're drinking tells you *hic* it's a conchept *hic*. 'Go on, just one more for the ditch!'.

5) Quality and quantity are relative in the space/time continuum. -> the first drink is quality, if it's not, then you are already aiming for a quantity type thing with predictably disastrous results.

6) 'Blame transferral' is healthy - not a bad idea as some 'do-gooders' / psychologists would have you believe. -> when all else fails, revert to rule 1 - it was a good idea at the time or "wasn't my idea - Kevin, Dave or erratic badgers on acid, thought it would be fun". Just keep repeating the mantra - not my fault - evil made me do it.

7) Laws of physics still apply although it doesn't seem that way at the time. -> flying seems a great idea. I mean Superman could do it in his 'skids'. However tempting it seems after imbibing alcohol - don't. The results are always disastrous. Physics rule - great ideas crash into trees.

8) Moderation is for people with no money. -> all men are created equal - bah humbug. Give me Gates's money and maybe we'll talk. Meantime, money for beer is all I need. The sex thing is nice if somewhat diverting.

9) All pandas are created equal. -> well, apart from the female/male panda thing. They all eat bamboo shoots. Jeez - the things that keep me awake at night.

10) Last orders were invented by Satan and don't apply outside the UK. -> ha. I'm so sorry about this one....NOT. Knew there was a reason I didn't want to live there anymore.

a luego *hic*,
S

Saturdays

Don't you just love them?! The adrenaline rush of no work followed by the perfect hangover cure - a Sunday. This Saturday however, I have to go to the airport. Looking on the bright side - less traffic. Looking on the dark side - I could be sat in a bar getting inebriated while watching football.

Was having a nice conversation with my friend in Paris until baby needed feeding. My imagination got the better of me. You have two arms, one of which the baby is in, the second of which is attached to the phone. How do you undo blouse and get "foodsville" out unless you have three arms - aaaarrgghh - too much information already. I told her to hang up the phone and call me back.

I've seen (and tried) this breast feeding thing. What idiot came up with the slogan 'Breast is best'? Well DUH. I like Jack Daniels but given a choice between a bottle or a pair of 40 DD's in your face - which queue are you going to join? I know which one I'll be in - the long mother fooker!!

I also got the first opportunity to speak with her bloke - other half of the baby equation. Now I have to call back the Attack Badgers - he seems perfectly ok and maybe halfway as mental as me. Did promise to go to Paris at earliest opportunity - logistics permitting. At least I don't have to speak French as the place will be full of Japanese tourists.

Still not sure about tomorrow - have to go shopping and everything first. Bum.

Decided against having my hair cut - it's a Samson thing. Didn't want to look like Bon Jovi anyway - except that bit where he looks at his bank balance...that would have been nice.

a luego,
S

Being a Parent

Yikes - being a parent, I hate it and I love it in equal proportions. I love the 'making babies' thing and hated the 'having babies' thing even though it wasn't me that had to push a 'car' through a hole designed for a sausage. I was there at the beginning, there at the birth - cause and effect.

I'm in a dilemma though. When I was picked on at school, I used my intelligence to escape, initially. When that failed I used martial arts to turn someone elses cheek.

Now that my kids are experiencing the same learning curve - I want to do the 'furious vengeance thing' on their oppressors. I can't though.. What if they turn out to be as screwed up as I am? eek!!

But, if I interfere, how will they learn? If I don't. how will they survive? I know I have to stand back and watch.

My children are going to be stars in their own universe. Hopefully, you will all benefit from it. If not, blame me - not them.

a luego,
S

Airports

I seem to have spent so much time wasting my life in the past few years travelling to/from and sitting in airports. The only reason I mention it now is that I will be at an airport Saturday, Monday, Friday, Monday in the next nine days. It takes me back to my old schedule pre 9/11 except you could throw the occassional Tuesday and Thursday into that same two week mix.

I'm not sure what it is I don't like - definitely that some airports are worse than others. As a smoker I like to actually have somewhere I can enjoy a cigarette or 20 before I get on a metal tube I have no control over, preferably with a drink in my hand. Not so easy these days at most airports. I don't care about the duty free but I do care about the security check. I have no issue whatsoever about the stringency of the checks, it's the muppets in the queue in front of me that annoy me. What part of 'metal detector' doesn't make you think that all that gold jewellery you are wearing is not going to set the alarm off moron?

I don't like being hurried on to a plane for them to sit there for 45 minutes because they missed their slot to take off. To sit there, in air-conditioned hell while satan's spawn become restless and run around annoying everyone and not a drink in sight....lovely. Nor, when we land - people applauding. What for? It's the pilots bloody job to land the plane. I wouldn't get on the chuffing thing if I thought it was a chance thing.

Then comes the cacophony (usually Nokia) of mobile phones being switched on even before the plane has taxied to it's stand. "Hi, I've arrived - should be out in half an hour" - make the phone call inside!! Finally, the jumping up to escape as fast as possible. Why? So you can stand at the carousel waiting for your luggage and enjoy the ambience?

I used to like flying into Munich, except that customs used to grab me every single time. I once flew in on a Sunday night, knowing I was flying to Bruxelles on the Tuesday morning, back to Munich on the Thursday and returning to Manchester on the Friday. So, like a little boy scout, I packed a carry-on suitcase inside a bigger one. Customs pulled me. Usual questions, why are you here? How long for? When I replied "approximately 28 hours" he freaked and wanted to know why my suitcase was so big. "Because you didn't ask how long my trip away was for, only how long I was HERE for". After 5 minutes he got the idea, we chatted about the city, football etc. Flying back into Munich on the Thursday night, the same guy pulled me again. This time I was prepared..."Stop" I said, and recited all his favourite bars, restaurants, football team, players until he gave in and remembered my name from last time. HA put that it your lederhosen!

Would go and pack but I only do that about an hour before setting off. Got it down to a fine art now. I know where everything is and it's a lot easier now in Euro zone that you don't have to carry small bags of different currencies about. And as I have the art of pointing and nodding down to a fine art also, no need to speak foreign languages :-)

a luego,
S

The Stag / Hen Party

Every so often, like today, I like to unwind by going and sitting on a terrace, enjoy a beer and watch the world go by - well, more specifically, watch the people go by. Good thing about living in Spain, it's still 20-24 degrees on average so it's still feasible and pleasant, even in a T-shirt. Then I felt a shiver run up or down my spine - probably did a few yo-yo's actually. One of the few sights that truly terrify me now. A marauding pack of females on a hen "do" and not just the ordinary ones, the ones who have gone to the trouble of having tour T-shirts printed in either shocking yellow or bright pink with "Sharons Last Shag Tour - Alicante 2006". Christ, they terrify me. I'm quite safe really bearing more resemblance to a chipmunk than a chippendale, but it's still a long way from my comfort zone. As usual, I was thinking of a number of things at the same time and one was to do with a line from My Name is Earl (the programme where he has a list of bad things to undo) - trying to reunite some guy with his girl, the guy asks if his girl slept with anyone else. She replies that she "used her hand on one guy" - Earl stands there looking gobsmacked and then says "Shoot - I don't know how to un-ring that bell !".

So, still trying to not make a list like Earls of all the bad things I have done, I got thinking about stag parties I'd been on and what would make it to my list if I ever did do one. One in Chester came back to haunt me. I think there were about 10 of us and we were doing the pub crawl before the nightclub thing. Nice summer evenings so all the guys are in shirts, the girls in town, mini skirts etc. Walking up the street towards the Cross we spotted a group of very foxy ladies walking toward us on the other side of the road. Preening began on both sides, smiles exchanged and then there was a *clang*, not like a bell but more like what you would hear in a harbour. At which point the girls burst into laughter. A man's immediate reaction to laughter of that sort is to check if his flies are undone. Nope. Then we looked round. Lying prone on the ground was Mike, bloody nose and developing shiner. He'd been concentrating so hard on the girls.... *thwack* straight into a lamp post *lol* - I should have helped him up but I couldn't, I was laughing too bloody hard. Sorry Mike.

Then there was the weekend in Dublin. 14 of us over on the ferry, Friday afternoon for a weekend. At that time, in my defence, I was still in my Rock n Roll phase. I lost the 'lads' within 10 minutes of arriving in Ireland as I was somewhat more focused on the Irish girl I'd met on the ferry. So, 7am Saturday morning I eventually arrived in Dublin realising that a) don't know where the 'lads' are staying and b) don't have my ticket back. Nothing else for it, find a pub. Four hours later, and quite a few more pints of guiness than that I announce to my new friends and 4 new fiancees in the pub that I'm just off to find the lads. Great idea in a pub, bad idea in sunlight in a city you don't know. As luck would have it I bumped into them within 10 minutes. Eventually, I persuaded them to come to my new pub. As we walked in a number of people shouted "hey, S is back - a pint for yer man". So, I'm talking to Mr and Mrs Fat and persuade her to grab bridegroom-to-be and make him dance. Mr Fat and I get into a friendly argument about strength. I confidently announce "I could lift you up you fat bas*ard". The bet is made, the deed halfway done when I remember that laws of physics and alcohol don't mix. Flying backwards, Mr Fat still grasped in my arms, but decidedly on top of me now we crash through the nearest table laden with guiness. Needless to say, we went through the table, the guiness went everywhere - the 'lads' ran away but I just stood up, said sorry, replaced all the drinks and carried on drinking there all day. Sorry, if you got a guiness shower.

Finally, one where I was best man and thus supposed to protect the 'stag'. Easier said than done when said stag is one of the rugby team and I have the build of a stick insect. So, in the local pub one of the team sidles over to me and whispers in my ear "take him for a game of pool". I obliged and then, 5 minutes later an impending wave of doom crashed over my head. Standing in the doorway was a policewoman with far too much makeup backed up by a scrum of grinning rugby players. I tried to make a run for it (I figured only stag needed to attend) but 20 rugby players coming in one direction whilst I try to head the other through a single doorway - well I think you can figure out the result. I can't say I particularly enjoyed the 'show' although I was intrigued with the banana trick. I don't think his wife found out - well, they still got married. I threatened to bring it up in my speech but never did. Sorry Mr M.

ala,
S

Shout at the TV

Shouting at the TV is not normally a pastime that I indulge in, apart from football, which doesn't count. Everyone shouts at the TV when football is on, not all for the same reasons granted but why watch the game if you can't shout "shoot" at the defender in his own box with your team one goal down and the seconds tick away? Also, the award of a penalty - half of the bar shouting "YES" while the other half shout "What the fook was that you myopic retard?!", or words to that effect, at the referee.

Anyway, last night I found myself shouting at the TV. It was the last episodes of Prison Break and the escape, having been thoroughly planned was on. In typical TV 'oooo, let's make a drama out of it' fashion, anything that could go wrong did. They ran two episodes back to back and so the first ended in typical cliffhanger fashion, by which point I was so agitated I screamed "Not now you bast*rds!!" - which is a shame as I have been trying really hard not to swear. Now I'm no nearer to understanding what the chuff is going on since I started watching it. Except that the evil witch behind the conspiracy has now been sworn in as President of the USA. Unusual how often those three words appear in a sentence - 'evil', 'conspiracy' and 'USA' - message there maybe?

So on to my next, shout at the TV topic - horror movies. They never make me scared, I don't sleep with the lights on (highly un-Gothic) and have only been startled twice that I can recall. So I did a little research and rather unsurprisingly found a list which I include below for your perusal.

a luego,
S

How to survive a horror movie

• When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house, move away immediately.
• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
• Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
• If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
• When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
• As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
• If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
• Do not take *anything* from the dead.
• If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
• Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
• If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

ala,
S