Honey - I'm honed

Sorry Space Cadets - I have been away (pissing about on the Faceless-book shite) - it really doesn't give me enough leeway to vent my considered opinions.

So, diving into the deep end of the Jack Daniels pool, let's divide the nations and it 'shit-izens' (point being, they're not all like this):

• Korea - all Koreans are idiots (but the scary northern muppets are backed up by the freaky Chinese - woohoo :( )
• Belgians - can't drive if one frigging snowflake hits the floor - it's no wonder the European Commission decided to settle there
• Americans - are not all mental - but they do seem to make up for it - when they are crazy, they are 'kick the shit out of a tortoise' crazy
• British - what part of 'it is hot, stay out of the sun' do you not frigging get? No wonder you look like Rock Lobsters and get slapped on the back by locals
• Brazilians - still intrigued about that haircut thing (could be the purr-fect job for me)
• French - arrogant mother-fuckers - your food is not that good and your manners suck
• Germans - can you tell your women to shave please?
• Spanish - you can organise a meal for 10 people and accomodate 20 - have you not figured out why your economy is fucked?
• Irish - if you spent one tenth of the time sorting out your own shit instead of opening bars in every city in the world - do you not think you might have the perfect island now? (apart from the shit weather of course)

Now that's the first 10 countries covered, only 182 to go.
Please feel free to add to the list.
Also remember, that the complaints department is closed - but you can speak to our call centre in India.

In A Band Again

After a hiatus of many years I have decided to perform again. Probably not the wisest of ideas but who gives a fuck.

To explain - many years ago, I was in a rock band. Not a particularly successful rock band but good enough to play theatres, universities, etc.

We would have supported Oasis if the cnuts had turned up.

Anyhoots, I got a 'proper' job and the band spilt up. For many years, I resolutely refused to join a band again as I didn't want to spoil the memories.

Now - that time has passed - I'm back.

Whether this shit works or not is wholly irrelevant - I am back.

It will change absolutely nothing in the world - will not save Africa or be a hit on You Tubeless but, it's only Rock n Roll.

The dubious offers of sexual liasons may or may not reappear, but I will not give a fuck - been there, done that.

I will start a separate Band Blog though - weird shit happens when you are in a band.

Shit Plan - Perfectly Executed

a) Darwin - idiot with fluffy beard (confirmed) and logic
or
b) idiot with beard, (confirmed) Darwin and fluffy logic

This is not a fucking test, merely a scrambling of words but this is why mankind wages war and pays itself nothing.

Oh how the European Commission laughed.

Meanwhile, back in the real world........

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that fucking lion out of the way!!!"

Two Faced - Part 2

Continuing on the topic of lying bastards who should die - let's discuss 'Organised Religion'.

Personally, I do not give a flying fuck what religion you adhere to. If it makes you happy - jolly good.

If you believe in something, I am happy for you.

BUT

DO NOT try to convert me to your religion.

If I choose to believe in a god, I am perfectly capable of making that choice before you accost me with your fake bullshit.

Realistacally - how convinced can you be?

All organised religion is shite - but, feel free to prove me wrong.

Warming Up - Religiously

I really need to read the bible again - to remind myself of why I so enjoyed criticising it in the past.

For those of you that haven't read it, you should just for the incredible bollocks that it spouts.

I think I may have to have a regular Gothic Post, every Friday - just so that the religious nutters have time to polish their foreheads before getting twatted with Gothic wisdom.

Here are a few examples that were "borrowed" from another author:-

Leviticus (25:44) - states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations - cool, that''s Holland fucked

Leviticus (15: 19-24) - There can be no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus (1:9) - If you burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Leviticus (19:27) - Most men get their hair trimmed, even though this is expressly forbidden by . How should they die?

Leviticus (11:6-8) - claims that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I still play American football if I wear gloves?

Sorry religious type people - The Goth is back

Facebook - Kiss My Gothic Arse

Funnily enough, although the title gives it away somewhat, I have been known to offend people. I make no apologies for doing so when said offended people opened themselves to criticism.

Some time ago, I used to spend my time on the train coming up with ludicrous thoughts to provoke institutions into reaction, which I would subsequently post on this blog - with some success I might add. However, I had the time to do it as I was sat on a train travelling from home to work.

Having changed jobs though, I no longer needed to use the train service from Bruxelles and didn't have the time to formulate bizarre ideas. Hence I turned to Two-Facedbook.

Bad mistake.

There are some scary little monsters in that cavern of depravity.

If I want to criticise an individual, I will do it to their face - even if it means I receive a kick in the bollocks for my honesty.

Looking on the bright side - if you want to lighten your personal luggage of superficial friends - use Two-Facedbook.

Thus, I am back (for now) - until the religious nutters freak me out again.

para mí soy sencillo - si usted no quiere saber, no lea

Lost Ship

"Mystery still surrounds a missing Russian-manned cargo ship" - cool - is that like a Klingon cloaking device? No wonder you can't find it then.

I am so intrigued by the bullshit that emanates from the crusty old gits that they wheel out to give their opinion. So let me elucidate:-

'We cannot find the ship - it has disappeared off the map"
- not a very good map then - is that the version where the world is still flat?

"The cargo was not worth much but they could have hidden valuable cargo amongst the lumber" - yes, that is exactly what I would do with a squillion dollars of cocaine - put it in a very slow boat, with no obvious escape route.

"We think that it's pirates - probably African pirates" - excellent, let's stereotype the pirates who are not from the Caribbean at all, but they have very good sun-tans

"We know they are professional because the transponder unit was deactivated" - so only MacGyver can use a penknife? You know nothing of the - A Team.

"It is possible that nuclear weapons were the target" - oh fuck off - stop watching James Bond movies you old twat. Get up to date and watch XXX or GI Joe.

So now, with trepidation, we wait for the finale. Could the ship possibly have been spotted entering the Bermuda Triangle? Has the ship been beamed up by aliens who were desperate to save their dying planet?

As they started the bullshit contest, my turn now:-

The ship had a cargo of trees and they did what nature intended - they tried to put down roots.

Nice in principle, but not so nice if you are in a boat.

How the lobsters laughed..........