Lost Ship

"Mystery still surrounds a missing Russian-manned cargo ship" - cool - is that like a Klingon cloaking device? No wonder you can't find it then.

I am so intrigued by the bullshit that emanates from the crusty old gits that they wheel out to give their opinion. So let me elucidate:-

'We cannot find the ship - it has disappeared off the map"
- not a very good map then - is that the version where the world is still flat?

"The cargo was not worth much but they could have hidden valuable cargo amongst the lumber" - yes, that is exactly what I would do with a squillion dollars of cocaine - put it in a very slow boat, with no obvious escape route.

"We think that it's pirates - probably African pirates" - excellent, let's stereotype the pirates who are not from the Caribbean at all, but they have very good sun-tans

"We know they are professional because the transponder unit was deactivated" - so only MacGyver can use a penknife? You know nothing of the - A Team.

"It is possible that nuclear weapons were the target" - oh fuck off - stop watching James Bond movies you old twat. Get up to date and watch XXX or GI Joe.

So now, with trepidation, we wait for the finale. Could the ship possibly have been spotted entering the Bermuda Triangle? Has the ship been beamed up by aliens who were desperate to save their dying planet?

As they started the bullshit contest, my turn now:-

The ship had a cargo of trees and they did what nature intended - they tried to put down roots.

Nice in principle, but not so nice if you are in a boat.

How the lobsters laughed..........

The Seventh Day

If you believe in God you might want to stop reading about now - you have been warned.

For those of you still reading - I was polite enough to offer the tossers a choice which is fair, I think.

THE SEVENTH DAY

God created the world in seven days apparently - well, six if you bear in mind that God fucked off on holiday for one, leaving Amateur God to create things without divine guidance.

Being omnipotent has it's drawbacks as you can't actually go on holiday as you are already there - by definition. Therefore God had to go into 'standby' mode leaving the less than competent apprentice to create other things which God hadn't cleared from the list.

Predictibly enough one supposes, Amateur God, fucked things up beyond belief and thus the Seventh Day creations remain.

On Gods return from 'standy-mode' on the eighth day, God looked at what at been invented, put her fingers against her temples and took a very deep breath.

'Jesus Fucking Christ' she opined, unfortunately creating religion as a by-product.

When God truly surveyed the damage on the previously perfect creation, God wept.

However, God was tired of 'multi-tasking' all the time and so could not devote enough God-energy to fixing what had been created, and thought - 'Oh bollocks - let the monkeys run with that planet'.

Amateur God, already banished from the kitchen of life, decided to add a little impetus into the situation and so gave Man a semblance of intelligence. Not a particularly wise idea in retrospect, but Amateur God figured that as God wasn't looking, it wouldn't really count.

Thus, Man came forth and ate the monkeys.

Goth Opera

As you may or may not have gathered, I'm not a huge fan of lard-arse twats in stupid outfits singing complete bollocks - i.e. Opera.

My taste in music is erratic, eclectic even, but invariably involves bands that can actually play what they are supposed to.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that one of my favourite bands were playing right here in the 'Costa Miserable'. Not only that but they were intending to play their seminal album (no, I'm not linking to the word - go look it up you lazy bastards).

So having secured two tickets, I eventually arrived at the venue with my bodyguard - he's not a black belt but he has a very good tan - which is always helpful in a 'line-up' for the usual immigrants.

It was rather a good concert - in an understated way. To put it more bluntly - it fucking rocked. It was like opera but better, and after the first song we debated whether the lead singer could keep the quality and intensity of his vocals for 30 minutes. He managed over 3 hours including 3 encores.

It has to rate as one of the best concerts I have seen - visually stunning, musically tremendous and in a venue that did not require twatty little binoculars.

Thankyou very much Queensryche for a most enjoyable evening.

AND - yes, I did buy the fucking T-Shirt