So God Said Fuck Off

Well he didn't actually but he might of, if he wasn't too stoned to notice what was happening. If I was god as opposed to Goth, which I am, 'FUCK OFF' would be the first thing I invented, then at least one would have an answer for everything.

"But god, it is so dark" - FUCK OFF
"Spiders have 8 legs but I only have 2" - FUCK OFF
"If a chicken crossed a road, and.." - FUCK OFF

So, god had to get busy in his little workshop of creation, fashioning shite out of nothingness in a god-like way. However, things didn't go to plan as god invented spliffs and he shared a spliff with his best buddy, Lucifer.

"Dude, that is such a crock of shit" said Lucifer, at which point god said "FUCK OFF... I haven't invented you yet"

So god banished his smoking partner, Lucifer and decided to create earth and all the things upon it, in a general haphazard and somewhat stoned fashion.

'This will be so fucking funny' thought god but then his arse twitched, in a god-like manner.

Pulling his skids to the side he thought, 'this is going to be so fucking funny' but, he wanted a second opinion, and so he invented angels to get some feedback.

"Errr, god, this design for Norway doesn't really work"

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

"God - you've left drugs all over the planet"

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

oops, shouldn't have done that

"God, you know that" *ducking for cover* "this won't actually work"

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

GODLIKE TONE

I AM SENDING MY SON TO SORT THIS SHIT OUT, AND HE'S BRINGING CHOCOLATE AND RABBITS AND AVOIDING THE TREES I HAVE INVENTED AND NOT PASSING GO OR STUFF - AND IF YOU FUCKERS TRY TO MAKE A CRUCIFIX......

*Many people with beards nod and bow down in deference*

FUCK OFF - *shazam*

Not So Hungry Now

Previously in Goth World, Goth could go without eating food for three or four days without disturbing the balance of nature. Apparently, this is not the case any more - in fact, it's fucking painful.

In a vain attempt to prove that Goth is the Anti-Christ and immune to all human temptations - Goth has been not eating food for too fucking long - i.e. over two days now

*mmm beans, on toast*

Policemen look like jelly babies, spotty teenagers look like the pizza they should be delivering. Fucking hell, everything looks like food.

FUCK - the sofa has just turned into a hamburger

It has been 57 hours since Goth ate anything, helped by the fact that Belgium had an Assumption Day - I don't know what they are assuming but it doesn't really help

*must not give in, will not give in*

Can't look in fridge as it may contain food. Won't turn the TV on as it may have cooking programmes where an egg becomes an omelette, or egg on toast, or ouef florentine or a cake......

*must not give in, will not give in*

And the worst part is, Goth is not a fat bastard at all - but, Goth needs to eat, maybe

What the fuck should a Goth eat??????

Famous Uses of Fuck

These are attributed uses of the word FUCK by very notable people through history. Obviously I didn't make any of these up at all (don't be so cynical) - they're all true, honest injun... Feel free to suggest some I may have left off.

• "Fucking hell, that was close" - Mayor of Hiroshima
• "Watch it, that fucker will have somebodys eye out" - King Harold
• "Heads are going to fucking roll" - Henry VIII
• "Any fucking idiot could understand that" - Albert Einstein
• "It fucking does look like her!" - Picasso
• "How the fuck did you figure that out?" - Pythagoras
• "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
• "Fuck a duck" - Walt Disney
• "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" - Joan of Arc
• "Scattered showers my fucking arse!" - Noah
• "Where the fuck did all these fucking Indians come from?" - General Custer
• "What fucking iceberg?" - Captain of the Titanic
• "Where the fuck have you been?" - Stanley to Livingstone

Oh, and if you don't like the word 'fuck', tough shit, go and piss about with the disney website or something....

Welcome to Apocrypha

For those of you that don't know, it is derived from a Greek word meaning 'hidden (things, usually texts)'. It sometimes referred to writings that should remain hidden from the general public for fear they may cause a general panic.

So guess which monkeys decided to use the same concept? Oh yes, it's also a book in the Bible. Effectively it contains some of the explanations of previous books before someone explained that you could issue a revised edition, deleting the bits that didn't make sense (along the line of man existing from day 1 and apparently dinosaurs existing million of years earlier).

According to Apocrypha, dinosaurs did exist but the men with big beards just described them as big lizards as in "Forsooth Daniel, that's a big fucking lizard" to which Daniel replied "Yes, but it is still one of gods creatures, and it appears to have a really big thorn in it's foot. Wait here while I go and help it".

Carbon dating is in there too - under the 'false claims that man might make in the pursuit of science' section, which is kind of impressive unless the writers were blessed with precognitive powers, or they just issued a revised edition in a hurry.

The Nephilim got moved too, as the bearded scribes sat there and thought 'a race of mythical giants who are indeed angels coming to have sex with puny humans - come on Esau, no fuckers going to believe that'.

Persians - all references to them had to get shifted to the book "Look, it's fucking obvious they were here before us, quick, stick them in the Apocrypha".

Ezra had a particularly miserable time of it as he actually started thinking about things and asking questions like, "Well, if god made Adam and he was the first man then why is there all these skeletons of other people all over the place?". 'Oh bollocks' thought the scribes but one of them had a really good idea and said "We'll move his contribution to Apocrypha and claim that they were visions and everyone will just assume he was as mad as a bag of squirrels".

Lots of bearded scribes nodded in agreement and the table filled with food. "Aha - it is a miracle" said one bearded twit, "Don't be so bloody stupid" replied another "That's just the stuff that was stuck in our beards".

And thus, the scribes did a spot check and also decided to move Tobit, Judith and Esthers ramblings into the Apocrypha - in fact, not even Solomon got away without being included but that was hs own fault for building a funky temple without getting planning permission.

Not to worry though as my version of the bible will not have an Apocrypha as I have nothing to hide - so there....

Things I Did NOT Do Yesterday

- Answer my phone, at all, as I am sick of stupid messages

- Buy a newspaper - why bother when you can fucking steal one?

- Eat food - boring bastard stuff

- Check my e-mail at all, kind of relates to the first point

- Hug a tree or buy a lottery ticket

- Drive a car in a fashion dangerous to everyone except me

- Poo in a place other than the correct destination of brown stuff

- Apologise about anything I might have appeared to do but didn't

- Attempt to fly

- Turn into a fish or something equally pointless

- Go to the supermarket, or any other shop

- Give money to some shit charity for no reason

- Cry, in a manner other than dictated to by the Love Police

- Explode

Other than that, it was quite a normal day in Goth World, except I did get strawberry ice cream, oh and found a packet of cigarettes I'd forgotten about, and heard music that made me happy..... oh, and discussed the rest of my life with my soul mate.

If only every day could be that perfect ;-)

Stairway To Heaven

So I've been thinking about this and, assuming that the heaven type place is in an upwardly direction, and that the hell type place is the other way..... oooops, too late.

Anyway, the thing is that you always have to climb a stairway to heaven, laborious time consuming effort designed to make you ponder every decision you have ever taken. Or, sometimes, it's in the form of a ladder, that leads into the bosom of angels but still requires an amount of effort.

Whichever way you look at it, there is no access for people in wheelchairs. Why not god, you useless twat? Because they might leave tyre tracks on your newly laid carpet? Wanker. Can't you just do the 'God and Whack' and get the freshness back?

Or, if you're feeling a little bit tired after a hard day at the orifice, call those lovely people that install stupid lifts on staircases? Then you could speed people up to the bosom of your love at 1 mile per hour.

"Wow, you are so old and grey - but nice beard" exclaims god when they arrive

"I was 6 when I started, and I was a girl too" says the small wizard.

There is another theory, called lifts (or elevators if you live in a backward country).

*small girl steps into lift*

"First floor - perfume, second floor - lingerie, third floor - cooking utensils that nobody uses, sixty ninth floor - heaven" announces the speaker. "Oh, and we'll be playing shit music all the time, and no farting please".

"Erm, just the heaven level please" says the small girl "and before I turn into a wizard please"

*Cool swishy sound* and small soul reaches heaven before puberty.

The Time Has Come

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to speak of many things" - so quoth Sir Lewis of Caroll (fucking white rabbits indeed). Well, I guess it's Goths turn now.

I returned from Spain to Belgium in the hope of many things - and no, there wasn't any ceiling wax or bits of silly string involved. I had hoped to revive the career I had, meet with old friends and enjoy the pleasures of life - dining together, laughing together, drinking together, sharing anecdotes and just being happy.

Life, it seems, is not that simple. Yay, I got a groovy job paying shit loads of money, but that was boring as fuck. Yay, I met some nice new people but, the friends I thought I had, turned out to be 'different'. I know people change, it's a part of life but, you don't change that much - or maybe I just didn't see that clearly to start with.

I make and, will continue to make mistakes, I may be Gothic but I am human, unfortunately. I generally only fuck up my own life though - kind of like a gift that I have.

I would like to say thankyou to the people who have supported me, and they know who they are. As for the others in this rain sodden country, with your shit politics and dubious motives - I extend.... nothing.

Goth is leaving the building - and it will not be via the toilet whilst eating a hamburger.....

*lights a cigarette, tilts the bottle of JD before taking a swig and disappears back into the darkness where he belongs*