Crash, Bam, Thankyou Twat

You really couldn't script this shit.

It's been a busy 48 hours in Goth World but Mariposa wanted the 'nest' re-arranging, which is cool, in a 'not at the fucking moment' way, but I acquiessed, as you do.

"I'd prefer not to put that in the garage as it might get stolen" she says.

"Yeah, bound to fucking happen" I replied, and wandered off to do the shopping.

Heading back to the 'nest', shopping bags in hand and feeling satisfied about an interesting, and somewhat eventful day, I noticed somebody taping up the garage.

Taping up a garage is not normal behaviour, even in Goth World.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I enquired, in French.

"Sorry" came the reply "I crashed through your garage door"

"I can bloody well see that, but how? It's not even a direct line from the road" I countered.

The explanation kind of weedled it's way out eventually, but suffice to say, the garage door is FUBAR.

Looking on the bright side, the twat could have driven off and said nothing (a very Belgian concept), although he might have had to explain to the police why he had portions of a garage door all over his car.

So, should I ask for compensation and what would be appropriate?

Sleep Tagging

OK - I will take the challenge on and discuss 'sleep-tagging' because I'm originally from Wales, and it's amazing what might happen in your valley, if you're not careful.

Mr Clever Pants, JJ, wanted to know what 'sleep-tagging' is and so I feel duty bound to explore this whole side of sexuality. Actually, I don't know fucking anything about it but I know it will piss him off, especially as it is something his therapist told him not to discuss - (the little list of shrinks - bit of a Freudian slip up the bottom).

Anyway, sleep = stuff like being dead, without the ceasing to exist part, because that would be silly, not to mention, pointless, or endless or something - with an annoying inevitability.

Tagging = announcing that something belongs to you, even though you can't actually own it, in a graffitti type way - por ejemplo "I will spray my name on this train, as it is passing, really fast, but everyone will know that my name is Squiggle, but in different colours.".

Thus, if you put the two together, you get..... babies, or a sexually transmitted disease.

Oops, sorry, I was supposed to be explaining 'sheep shagging' or something like that.

Pehn Di Phuddi

I only know 2 phrases in Punjabi, and that is one of them. But I do know how to say Ben Zoma, in Hebrew, which is kind of handy when you're rewriting the Bible.

I tag JJ (but you can join in if you want), to write a story involving:-

Motorhead, drugs, wine, women and song - in French.

Gay Bomb

So, the theory is as follows. Get a bomb, as in explosive device type thing, but instead of killing people, you make them love each other in a homo-erotic way.

Sorry - is this making no fucking sense at all or what ? I didn't make the shit up (yikes, sounds gay already) - it's even got it's own Wiki entry.

"An aphrodisiac could be dropped on enemy troops, ideally one which would also cause "homosexual behavior"

Now, I'm not gay, so forgive me for making assumptions, but, what the fuck is that about?

My understanding is that soldiers like to dress up, run around a lot in make up, and hide in trees. Being gay, is the same thing but means that you like to dress up, etc but with someone of the same sex.

So therefore, a 'gay-bomb' is somewhat superfluous, don't you think??

In Goth World, you can do what the fuck you want, with whomever you want. Well, apart from being nasty - that's not allowed.

However, I would make a brilliant lesbian - well, apart from the fact that I'm not female. But I am really good at tennis and I love women..... well, one woman actually, so I guess that makes me a 'Solo-Lesbian'.

Don't think the drugs are working yet ;-)

Which Way Then ?

I do so love that phrase, when I'm as pissed as a bee falling off a flower.

"Which way should we go?" - like I should fucking know.

"To the place that I live, I think.... ish."

Por ejemplo :- Goth is completely twatted, in a very, too much alcohol and no sleep till Hammersmith way, and thus should go home and sleep and stuff. However, believing he can fly and other weird shite, the Goth One decides to have another beer or two.

"I think we should go now" says the cherubic angel on Goth's shoulder.

"Fucking A" says Goth, staggering to his feet, clutching the flowers he has purloined for his beloved. "Which way is the Metro doofer?".

"It's ok" replies the Dark One "I'll drive you home - it's only 2 minutes from where I live"

*40 minutes later*

"Dude, we are totally lost - I think I should call Mariposa as she will know where we are etc"

Beginning the phone call, the Dark One says "Do you think I should switch this GPS thing on now?"

Well, fucking DUH ......

*auto-voice* "Turn left after 300 meters"

Goth watches patiently before commenting - "Not that left - your OTHER left!!!!!"

Fucking long journey but Goth got home in the end............

Being Welsh

It's not that easy, being Welsh. I know, as that's what I am - for richer or poorer, but always, Wales is in my veins.

First, you have to differentiate between North and South Wales. Makes a big fucking difference does that, you know.

Second, you have to hate the English - bastards introduced central heating, and umbrellas and stuff. Had fuck all to do with the Italians, or Romans as they were called then, wandering past and saying things like "If you build these roads in a straight line, you wouldn't crash into trees so often" - "Fuck off, we're Welsh and we like trees, don't we Dewi ?!!"

Third, you must create a language that is no use to anyone, in the world, ever. Except for Patagonia, but that doesn't count as no-one knows where the fuck it is to start with.

Other things you could do?

• Create your own TV channel (pronounced S Pedwar Eck) to show shit programmes that nobody wants to watch
• Invent an Eisteddfod to showcase your lack of talent
• Create small towns with names that are longer to pronounce than the time it takes to traverse them
• Set fire to holiday cottages for no apparent, sorry, logical, reason
• Enforce the children to play rugby, and hope that when they grow up, they might still like it
• Love sheep, in an unconditional way

Fuckin Gleaming

But, being Welsh, we did give the world Manic Street Preachers - good, Charlotte Church - bad, Ryan Giggs - good, Tom Jones - Gaaarrrgh

*wanders off in the direction of Spain, mutterring to himself*

Public Wanksport

So the theory is, let's save the planet by not driving cars, which get us from point A to point B roughly when we want to. Let's all use public transport and then lots of people can get nowhere that they want to be when they want to, without harming the environment.

I don't know what it is about public transport that is so shit, apart from the fact that it doesn't fucking work.

'Oh look a timetable' thinks the innocent bystander on the platform, not realising it is a way to divert attention from the fact that the bus/tram/metro that was supposed to appear does not.

How is that supposed to make me not want to drive an earth-killing automobile?

Why bring this up now? Because once again I got let down by the loonies in uniform. Buy a ticket and enjoy a free hour of transport. NO - buy a ticket and enjoy 59 minutes of doing fuck-all in a cold and windy station whilst waiting for your wanker who can't drive in a straight line when all he is has to do is press GO or STOP and occassionally OPEN DOORS or CLOSE DOORS.

Meanwhile, a bunch of tossers in a conference are drinking coffee laughing and saying :-

"Do you really think they'll believe that timetable shit, Quentin?"

"Probably not Tarquin, but have you seen the new retractable roof on my new Bentley?"

DIE YOU BASTARDS DIE - AND I HOPE A TRAIN CRUSHES YOUR POSH CAR YOU SANCTIMONIOUS WANKERS

Guess The Film Then

So here are a few tasters for the last lines of famous films. See if you can guess what the films are. Just 8 for the moment but feel free to suggest some others....

1. “I used to hate the water.”
   “I can’t imagine why.”


2. "And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time, and lost in space...and meaning."


3. “Do you think you'd be happy doing that?”
   “Well, I don't know. What are the hours?”


4. “They say they're going to repeal Prohibition. What will you do then?”
   “I think I'll have a drink.”


5. “I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye.”


6. “You better bury Ned right. You better not cut up nor otherwise harm no whores, or I'll come back and kill every one of you sons of bitches.”


7. “Thought you didn't care.”
   “I don't. Don't tell anybody, OK?”


8. “You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry: you will someday.”

Suggest away and no, there aren't any prizes...