Honey - I'm honed

Sorry Space Cadets - I have been away (pissing about on the Faceless-book shite) - it really doesn't give me enough leeway to vent my considered opinions.

So, diving into the deep end of the Jack Daniels pool, let's divide the nations and it 'shit-izens' (point being, they're not all like this):

• Korea - all Koreans are idiots (but the scary northern muppets are backed up by the freaky Chinese - woohoo :( )
• Belgians - can't drive if one frigging snowflake hits the floor - it's no wonder the European Commission decided to settle there
• Americans - are not all mental - but they do seem to make up for it - when they are crazy, they are 'kick the shit out of a tortoise' crazy
• British - what part of 'it is hot, stay out of the sun' do you not frigging get? No wonder you look like Rock Lobsters and get slapped on the back by locals
• Brazilians - still intrigued about that haircut thing (could be the purr-fect job for me)
• French - arrogant mother-fuckers - your food is not that good and your manners suck
• Germans - can you tell your women to shave please?
• Spanish - you can organise a meal for 10 people and accomodate 20 - have you not figured out why your economy is fucked?
• Irish - if you spent one tenth of the time sorting out your own shit instead of opening bars in every city in the world - do you not think you might have the perfect island now? (apart from the shit weather of course)

Now that's the first 10 countries covered, only 182 to go.
Please feel free to add to the list.
Also remember, that the complaints department is closed - but you can speak to our call centre in India.

In A Band Again

After a hiatus of many years I have decided to perform again. Probably not the wisest of ideas but who gives a fuck.

To explain - many years ago, I was in a rock band. Not a particularly successful rock band but good enough to play theatres, universities, etc.

We would have supported Oasis if the cnuts had turned up.

Anyhoots, I got a 'proper' job and the band spilt up. For many years, I resolutely refused to join a band again as I didn't want to spoil the memories.

Now - that time has passed - I'm back.

Whether this shit works or not is wholly irrelevant - I am back.

It will change absolutely nothing in the world - will not save Africa or be a hit on You Tubeless but, it's only Rock n Roll.

The dubious offers of sexual liasons may or may not reappear, but I will not give a fuck - been there, done that.

I will start a separate Band Blog though - weird shit happens when you are in a band.

Shit Plan - Perfectly Executed

a) Darwin - idiot with fluffy beard (confirmed) and logic
or
b) idiot with beard, (confirmed) Darwin and fluffy logic

This is not a fucking test, merely a scrambling of words but this is why mankind wages war and pays itself nothing.

Oh how the European Commission laughed.

Meanwhile, back in the real world........

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The older man replies, "No problem, just get that fucking lion out of the way!!!"

Two Faced - Part 2

Continuing on the topic of lying bastards who should die - let's discuss 'Organised Religion'.

Personally, I do not give a flying fuck what religion you adhere to. If it makes you happy - jolly good.

If you believe in something, I am happy for you.

BUT

DO NOT try to convert me to your religion.

If I choose to believe in a god, I am perfectly capable of making that choice before you accost me with your fake bullshit.

Realistacally - how convinced can you be?

All organised religion is shite - but, feel free to prove me wrong.

Warming Up - Religiously

I really need to read the bible again - to remind myself of why I so enjoyed criticising it in the past.

For those of you that haven't read it, you should just for the incredible bollocks that it spouts.

I think I may have to have a regular Gothic Post, every Friday - just so that the religious nutters have time to polish their foreheads before getting twatted with Gothic wisdom.

Here are a few examples that were "borrowed" from another author:-

Leviticus (25:44) - states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations - cool, that''s Holland fucked

Leviticus (15: 19-24) - There can be no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus (1:9) - If you burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Leviticus (19:27) - Most men get their hair trimmed, even though this is expressly forbidden by . How should they die?

Leviticus (11:6-8) - claims that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I still play American football if I wear gloves?

Sorry religious type people - The Goth is back

Facebook - Kiss My Gothic Arse

Funnily enough, although the title gives it away somewhat, I have been known to offend people. I make no apologies for doing so when said offended people opened themselves to criticism.

Some time ago, I used to spend my time on the train coming up with ludicrous thoughts to provoke institutions into reaction, which I would subsequently post on this blog - with some success I might add. However, I had the time to do it as I was sat on a train travelling from home to work.

Having changed jobs though, I no longer needed to use the train service from Bruxelles and didn't have the time to formulate bizarre ideas. Hence I turned to Two-Facedbook.

Bad mistake.

There are some scary little monsters in that cavern of depravity.

If I want to criticise an individual, I will do it to their face - even if it means I receive a kick in the bollocks for my honesty.

Looking on the bright side - if you want to lighten your personal luggage of superficial friends - use Two-Facedbook.

Thus, I am back (for now) - until the religious nutters freak me out again.

para mí soy sencillo - si usted no quiere saber, no lea

Lost Ship

"Mystery still surrounds a missing Russian-manned cargo ship" - cool - is that like a Klingon cloaking device? No wonder you can't find it then.

I am so intrigued by the bullshit that emanates from the crusty old gits that they wheel out to give their opinion. So let me elucidate:-

'We cannot find the ship - it has disappeared off the map"
- not a very good map then - is that the version where the world is still flat?

"The cargo was not worth much but they could have hidden valuable cargo amongst the lumber" - yes, that is exactly what I would do with a squillion dollars of cocaine - put it in a very slow boat, with no obvious escape route.

"We think that it's pirates - probably African pirates" - excellent, let's stereotype the pirates who are not from the Caribbean at all, but they have very good sun-tans

"We know they are professional because the transponder unit was deactivated" - so only MacGyver can use a penknife? You know nothing of the - A Team.

"It is possible that nuclear weapons were the target" - oh fuck off - stop watching James Bond movies you old twat. Get up to date and watch XXX or GI Joe.

So now, with trepidation, we wait for the finale. Could the ship possibly have been spotted entering the Bermuda Triangle? Has the ship been beamed up by aliens who were desperate to save their dying planet?

As they started the bullshit contest, my turn now:-

The ship had a cargo of trees and they did what nature intended - they tried to put down roots.

Nice in principle, but not so nice if you are in a boat.

How the lobsters laughed..........

Helping You To Help Me

It's been a long time since I worked on a helpdesk. When I started working in IT a couple of years ago (or so) it was considered to be a good introduction to how a company works.

This is probably quite a sound theory, for the people who came up with the idea, but not for those who have to work on one.

I can only reference what I have experienced - helpdesks for Computer Systems, so if you disagree please call the number below and we will divert you to India.

1) - The customer is not always right - in the majority of cases, they are fucking idiots.
2) - You cannot fix a problem if it is not described correctly
3) - Managers of helpdesk systems are morons who know nothing except how to misjudge their own worth

Anyway, I didn't last very long on the helpdesk because apparently I had an attitude problem.

So fast forward a number of years and having worked in IT for a while, someone, in the infinite wisdom decided that a 'back to basics' approach would benefit all.

Another shit idea - perfectly executed.

"Welcome to the Gothic Helpdesk - what is your current problem?"
'When I logged onto the system at 07:30...'
"No you didn't - your computer came up at 08:12 and you mistyped your password the first time"
'How did you know that? - well, anyway, the things didn't come out of the printer so there is an issue with the system'
"No - everything would have come out of the printer if you had put paper in it, which you didn't and unplugging it and replugging it in again does not make paper grow"
'There was an issue with the printer so I had to reboot it'
"Yeah - a lack of fucking paper issue - with a big flashing message saying NO PAPER you muppet"
'But I checked the manual and it said....'
"What colour is it?"
'The printer?'
"No, the bloody manual"
'I don't know I've never seen it...'

*dial tone*

NEXT

Jesus Jackson

Not many things could have aroused me from my blogging hibernation - well, nothing has until now.

Michael Jackson is dead.

Sorry Wacko fans but, it was rather inevitable. I am sure there are squillions of people in the world who are really sad - I'm not one of them but, they feel some connection I do not share.

I was watching the coverage of the story on CNN with a Gothic curiosity and was beguiled by the reporters. I particularly liked the one stationed outside the house in Bel Air who said "This street usually has vans with fans (sic) who sleep here but they have all gone now to UCLA " and my first thought was - well what the fuck are you doing there then?

Later, I was watching BBC News and they had an interview with Uri Geller (famous for his bending spoon thing) and a friend of the now dead Jackson.

"So you were good friends with Michael" said the interviewer
"We had our ups and downs - sometimes we didn't even talk" he replied

Not surprised - if you kept fucking his cutlery up.

BUT, the real moment for me was when they started interviewing fans. Some were devastated (don't get it myself but, OK), some were celebrating his life (made a little more sense) but one woman said.........

"This will be remembered as the day Jesus died"

Er - no. You stupid little woman. If base your whole life on fiction the nasty goblins in pointy hats will get you.

However, I must thank Apple for my iPod. For the rest of the year, Michael Jackson will be on high rotation on every radio station. In my ears, I will be listening to Lacuna Coil.

Free Stuff

Collecting Free Stuff

I'm not really sure where the obsession started, I guess it was in my childish years, but, I like 'free stuff'.

By 'free stuff' I am referring to items that you would normaly have to purchase with money.

A balloon is not 'free stuff' - it's just childish nonsense, unless it's filled with helium and then you can attach it to something (like a cat) because they were not designed to fly.

Getting 'Free Stuff' is not that difficult - companies are giving away pointless shit every day. Pens, T-shirts, umbrellas etc.

Am I going to buy their products/services? Am I fuck - just give me the 'free stuff'.

Once in a while, I give bag fulls of 'free stuff' away to charity. Will they use it? - I doubt it.

Can they use it to twat fish on the head and feed a family for a week? - maybe, if it's a really stupid fish.

The point is, 'free stuff' is good' and, Mr Taxman "you can slide down the razorblade of life, using your bollocks for brakes"

Meanwhile, back in reality :

Cool - look. You can use this laser thingy for

ooooopppsssss

Life In The Movies

Sorry to any who have been visiting but I've been busier than a carpet cleaner in a porno cinema. Not going to bore you with the details. Here is a quiz someone asked me to do - you should try it if you can be arsed. I did and I laughed out loud at the results. No point cheating - you are only cheating yourself.

So here are the rules:-

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool

Here are mine - scarily accurate by coincidence??

Opening Credits:
If - The Cult

Waking Up:
Shame - Drowning Pool

First Day At School:
Fallin' Up - Black Eyed Peas

Making Your New Best Friend:
Illegal I Song - Velvet Revolver

Falling In Love:
Iron Horse/Born To Lose - Motorhead

Breaking Up:
Replica - Fear Factory

Prom:
Disappear Here - Moonspell

Graduation:
I Guess I'll Never Know - Clawfinger

Life's Okay:
Home - Sevendust

Death of a Close Friend:
Fear Of The Dark (Live at Rock in Rio) - Iron Maiden

Mental Breakdown:
Jumping Someone Else's Train - The Cure

Driving:
Getcha Groove On - Limp Bizkit

Flashback:
Discotheque Wreck - Terrorvision

Getting Back Together:
Stay Away - Nirvana

Wedding Scene:
A Thousand Lies - Machine Head

Birth of Child:
Bleeding Mascara - Atreyu

Car Accident:
Black Dog - Led Zeppelin

Final Battle:
All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) - Bullet For My Valentine

Death Scene:
Hypnotize - Audioslave

Funeral Song:
Lustmord - Moonspell

End Credits:
Take It Out On Me - Bullet For My Valentine

(tx to Anthony for the idea)

Yikes - Who Shook My Coffin?

I recall writing things - it's all a bit vague now.

I seem to remember idiots without an ounce of sense complaining that I did't believe in Jesus - King of the Easter Eggs.

Apologies for having read your Book Of Bollocks more than you did.

I recall complaining about the fact that my children - eek - mini-Goths did not understand why

FUCK

I actually remember why I started writing in the first place.

Shit happens

Piss Off Religious Freaks

Picture the scenario if you will.

One, very tired Goth sits at a bar, chatting to an amiable barman.

It's been a long day for both, for differing reasons, but they agree that puzzles in The Daily Express will suitably vex, and relax them both.

After an hour or so of entertainment - the Goth points out that, in the BIG crossword, the Irish barman should really know the answer to the question:-

9) Old Testament book in which Moses conducts a census of the Israelites (7 letters)

Getting bored, Goth provides the answer.

The barman exclaims "You can't know that"

"Well, I can actually as I've read most religious texts unlike....."

*cue previously un-noticed American to open his mouth*

"It's true - it has been confirmed by my chapter"

*cue - a moment of jaw-dropping silence*

"So you're saying that you looked up an answer, with your coven of religious students, to confirm that I was correct?" asks an incredulous Goth.

"Yes" he replied "We're studying it a chapter at a time"

Being a Zen-like Goth - it was time to walk away.

Didn't want to spoil the ending - that would be in revelations.

Jesus Surfing

If you read the bible (the free book in hotel rooms in case you run out of toilet paper) you will know that jesus lived by the sea.

Living by the sea is very useful if you want to be a fisher of men, or a fisherman or - more importantly, catch some waves.

Dog, (being an anagram) said to his prototype:-

"I have invented the tree, and it's full of wood and stuff"

His son was busy smoking and talking weird, and growing a beard but remembered his training as 'Son of a Carpenter'

Thus, from the mighty tree, jesus did plane and polish to create - The Surfboard.

Although, a mighty fine idea, young master jesus has no idea HOW to surf.

"I have this really good idea" said JC "might work, might not"

As JC walked across the water, the disciples sat on the beach, stroking their beards.

When his dad created a huge wave of love, JC rode on it and proclaimed

"Yay - hanging ten"

at which point, most of the disciples, being wise, ran away.

When he arrived on the beach, he said to those remaining "I will teach you, and the you can teach others".

And thus they practiced - a lot.

Killed a lot of fish in the process too.

Vote NOW America

Because you should

I had to bypass some shit, because I am 'Bob The Plumber' thus...

'Y'all have a decision to make'. It might not seem impotent but it is relevant.

Vote now.

You have THE choice Americans.

I know my opinion but, I'm silly enough to have a brain.

Have the fucking decency to turn up and express your opinion.

If you can't be arsed, fine, but don't ask me to listen to your moaning shit later.....

Rocky Horror Picture Show

I finally got around to buying the DVD of The RHPS and I must say - the water was deep but I swam it, Janet.

It remains the only film I have seen over 100 times. I have also seen the stage show countless times and is the only event that would cause me to wear suspenders and a bra (just like my dear papa).

If you have never experienced it (the show, not the womens underwear thing), the following will make no sense at all.

Why I fell in love with The Rocky Horror Picture Show

In one evening:-

I was asked to go for a date with the most gorgeous Gothic girl but I had to bring a newspaper and some rice (no explanation was given)
I received the most amazing blow job in a public place without warning
I had to run onto the stage and "Do a jump to the left" (which I did as I was still in shock from the oral sex adventure)
I observed lots of strange people being very 'nice' to each other
I crashed the car I had 'borrowed' (not my fault) on the way back home
My life flashed before me (in slow motion) and I wondered why there was rice all over the crash site
I was arrested by the police and charged with various boring legal nonsense
I had to listen to my police-person father lecture me on how I was destroying his career
I told the full story to my mother and she laughed
I had some most excellent dreams

Granted, the next time that I watched the movie, it did not have quite the same effect but, I still grin at "It's just the pelvic thrusts....".

So, the DVD is prepared, the underwear is available, the rice and newspaper ready and the Sword of Damacles is hanging over my head.

*Gothic bliss*

Schools Out Forever (Or Not)

School is a scary time - although, it gets an awful lot worse when puberty kicks in.

As I have never set out to be popular, it wasn't a huge deal for me - avoiding getting the shit kicked out of me seemed more important than how I looked to other people.

Someone might have a trend-setting haircut but admiring it in a hospital bathroom nursing broken limbs seems a somewhat vacuous choice to me. I was far happier if everyone assumed I was weird and just avoided me.

However, when puberty kicked in and I wanted to test my theoretical education on sex, being the weird outsider was somewhat of a hinderance.

So, I did what I had to - got barred from every computer in the complex and then forged a career in the very same thing (after a brief attempt at being a rock star).

I was however, gutted, when a number of years later, I met the one girl who I would have died for. In casual conversation, reminiscing about the 'school days' I mentioned how much love I thought I had for her at the time.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" she asked with a wistful look in her eye

"Sorry to be so obvious" I replied "But you were the one that all the boys wanted, and some of the girls too. There was no way I was going to ask you anything and have my dreams shattered"

"But I would have said 'Yes' immediately - you were the only one I was interested in"

*Oh for fucks sake - now you mention it...*

Why bring this up now? Because that School Reunion thing is looming and people I haven't seen or heard from for many years are connecting.

I had a brief 'conversation' with someone who asked me if I remembered even meeting her 20+ years ago. She was somewhat shocked when I could recall every detail of the meeting, and exactly what transpired.

I have an excellent memory but, I am male so, by definition, I have a selective memory.

Your turn now - share the pain of education with Dr Goth ;-).......

Too Tired To Fight

I know I should fight but, I'm weary.
If I give up, then I am perceived as weak.
If I continue I am seen as aggressive.

To paraphrase The Clash :-

Should I stay (quiet and let shit happen when I know it is wrong)
Or should I go (and create havoc)

It's a quandary - if I stay it involves basic multiplication but if I go it invoves Venn diagrams

Tough decision - but before you answer the pseudo question, it's too late.

I have decided to

Faster Food

As a Goth (and no, I am not the only Goth in the village) - I do not like fast food.

I do not appreciate scary clowns like 'Robert Smith in his pyjamas' trying to force burgers in my face. If I feel the need to eat pulverised - pseudo-meat' with spices between bread, it will not be served by a moron in a costume.

Likewise, I do not appreciate weirdos spitting (on) kebabs or crucifying animals for no reason other than "Their Fat Greeds Welding".

I read a story this week and my initial reaction was 'Fuck off - you cannot be serious'.- but, the story is true and feel free to google it yourself...

A group of 'xxx' decided to create the largest sandwich in the world. To achieve this, they butchered lots of ostriches and tried to create a sandwich 4,900 ft long (approx 1.3 km).

The 'esteemed coucil of idiots' created a new level of pomposity in Tehran, capital of Iran.

The X fuckers were rather surprised when spectators rushed in to devour the food without waiting for the world record to be broken.

Uhhmmm - might be a reason fot that

Mr Gorsky

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks (the usual comms traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control)

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"