Dr Gothlittle

Talking to animals and birds is quite simple really, I think - but then again, I don't think, I just do... as opposed to Dr Doolittle (the fictional character) who didn't do very much at all - hence his name.

It's a facet of my character that I have had to re-activate recently, on account of the addition of a cat to Goth World. The Cat says 'Miaow' and I have to identify whether it means:-

a) I want food
b) I want to use the cat tray, but you have closed the door and I cannot access it, therefore I will wee on your favourite chair
c) You humans are a genocidal race, prone to self destruction and you have no empathy for other creatures on your planet that sustain the environment
or
d) Stroke me

Somewhere, in the advert breaks on Gothic TV, I have to figure out whether the emphasis was on the MI part of MIAOW, or the OW part - which would not be good. The Cat could be asking to go to the toilet and then having a painful time, or talking Chinese, for a laugh.

But, The Cat is originally from Portugal - what if he doesn't understand English, or French or Spanish?? (I didn't even bother with Flemish as it's shit to start with).

I'm pretty sure I have it figured out. There appears to be a lot of 'purrrrring' so that must me good right?

NO - I'm figuring, if pussy is happy, that's a good thing... generally. Especially in Goth World, if you're a lesbian like me.

Unless, I'm wrong.... (which does happen....) so what now?

A Bunch of Florists

I did a posting Uncovered New Species and within the comments, my buddy Tippler registered this comment ->

I had a pal who was an archaeologist. One day in the pub we decided to think up a collective noun for them - We came up with 'a trample of archaeologists.'
which inevitably got me thinking. There are some weird and wonderful collective names for animals e.g.a prickle of porcupines, a shrewdness of apes, a murder of crows etc but , then I got thinking, what about a collective group who pursue the same occupation...

Here are my conclusions (feel free to suggest your own);-

A Dusting of Archaeologists
A Bunch of Florists
A Herd of Farmers
A School of Driving Instructors
A Coven of Lawyers
A Detention of Teachers
A Shoal of Divers
A Flock of Shepherds
A Pussy of Project Managers

Go on, go off on one - in a flurry of parachutists ;-)

a luego,
S

ps YES, I will get back to attacking Org Rel tomorrow, just trying to fend off the twats in comment section at the mo - back you zealots !!

Goth Bond - Gothfinger - Part III

The plane touches down in America and Goth Bond strokes Pussy gently to awaken her. Pussy Galores lips part invitingly and Goth Bond smiles - he knows she's in good hands. After they have gone through the airport VIP channel, the American agent meets them. "Lighter?" asks Bond. "Yes, Felix Leiter" replies the not so cunningly disguised American spy. "No" says Goth Bond "Do you have a lighter? I really need a cigarette".

Meanwhile, Pussy is purring in Goths ear "I really, really need to go to bed" - "Yes I know" says Goth Bond "but first, we need to sort out that Blowjob".

"Sorry to interrupt" says Felix "But we have a world to save, and I've got everything you requested - walk this way". "In these leather trousers?" enquires Goth showing Leiter his skin tight, buttock hugging leather trousers that women keep wanting to lick for some reason. "Ok, just follow me" replies Leiter.

The three of them arrive at a beautiful Aston Martin Advantage. "Wow" says Bond "I bet she goes" - "Oh yes" replies Felix, grinning like a cat, she goes "vrooooom, vroooooooom, squeal, vroooom". "Not quite what I meant" says Bond "but I assume all the modifications have been done?". "Yup" says Felix "although I don't know what an ejaculator seat does". "Kind of tosses you in some direction" says Bond dismissively whilst continuing to examine all the other gadgets U has installed.

"Don't we have to go somewhere?" asks Pussy. "Indeed" says Bond, "but we'll be arriving in style". "Isn't arriving like coming?" asks Pussy and Goth nods his head knowing it's going to be a very long day. "Look Felix" says Bond "thanks for the help but I think it better that you stay here - I get a bit wary of strangers Felix".

Goth and Pussy climb into the Aston Martin together and burn rubber.

Whilst this is occuring, Blowjob is making sure that all the little soldiers are going where they are supposed to. "Put that thing up there" demands Blowjob and watches carefully that the result match his expectations. He knows the earth is going to move when he has completed his dirty deed. He throws his head in the air and cackles "Nothing can stop the Blowjob bwahahahahaha" and has to pause briefly for air "hahahahahaha"

Meanwhile Goth Bond and Pussy have come, out of sight to Blowjob. It's one of the perils of only having one good eye. "Ok" says Bond "Here's the plan. You stay here in the car and when you get my signal press the third button on the right". Pussy tenderly motions across the nobs in front of her - "This one?" she enquires. "Indeed" says Bond "The one that says Boom" on it. He knows that this adventure with Pussy will have a climatic ending.

Meanwhile Blowjob has nearly set all of the nuclear devices to blow up Fort Knockers (He's not called Blowjob for nothing). World markets will crumble, he will be master of all he surveys (with his one good eye, so approximately half the world).

Bond speaks into his watch "Ok U, I need guns, lots of guns" and suddenly an arsenal of weapons appears in front of him like a supermarket, but of guns - not a baked bean in sight. He selects the ones he wants and with a clenched fist, shoots off a round or two. "Excellent" he declares. "Now to sort Blowjob out".

Like the devastating killing machine he is, Goth Bond kills all the bad soldiers on his way to Blowjob but when he arrives, Blowjob just cackles "Too late Bond - in 3 minutes the bombs go off". Bond pulls out the hugest vibrator in the world and declares "Not yet Blowjob". "HA" says Blowjob "What's that?" - "Voices activated revenge" says Bond "HA" says Blowjob "Magic dildo my arse" .... there's a whoosh and then a steady thrumming sound "Yowzer" exclaims Blowjob, looking like a red lollipop.

Bond diffuses the bombs and signals to Pussy that it's her turn to come. She gets out of the car, wondering what would have happened if she'd pressed the Boom button but Goth just smiles at the camera and mouths "It's only the stereo" as Pussy is all over him.

#Da da dee da dee da da#

Fade out as Goth Bond gets his Pussy and saves the world - normal day at the orifice really.