Uncovered - New Species

Archaeologists digging holes, as is their want (the little rascals) have uncovered the remains of several new dinosaurs. The skeletal as well as faecal evidence has caused much excitement within the archaeological community - which isn't saying much really, I mean anyone who has an orgasm after finding a bone in a hole isn't really a party animal. Anyway, thanks to modern technology and a few leaps of faith (as per usual) the scientists have been able to piece together the evidence to explain how these creatures lived and more importantly how they died.

The mystery of why so many remains were in one place was solved by Professor Wiggle-Bottoms seven year old grand-daughter. As the scientists arguing was putting her off her game boy adventures she piped up "So it was just like a big Pokemon Battle?" - "Gadzooks" announced the Professor, "I think she's got it !". Thus the scientific paper was issued with the title 'Last Stand of the Pokemon-o-Saurus'.

Following are a few extracts from the paper highlighting some of the more interesting finds.

Craposaurus - a large reptile which a highly evolved anal cavity. Using a primitive form of combustion, propelled by stomach acids mixed in certain quantities, the Craposaurus was able to render unconscious any enemy by fiiring a turd at breathtaking speed at it's adversary. Once unconscious, the Craposaurus could squat over it's enemy and drop a huge skin-dissolving pooh that finished the job.

Botty-Banditosaur - apparently chief enemy of the Craposaurus, the Botty-Banditosaur had a penis which one can only describe as resembling an umbrella. It's main form of attack was to creep up behind unsuspecting creatures, using a deft camouflage and mincing around singing 'Dancing Queen' before jumping it's opponent, mounting it and shouting 'Come on big boy, you know you want it'. By opening the umbrella type shaft it was able to remain inserted while busily humping away and quite literally, bumming it's opponent to death.

Bore-to-deathosaur - an old wrinkly dinosaur with a penchant for queue jumping, forgetting where it was at times and smelling very pungently of 3 week old urine. It would quite literally bore it's opponents to death with tales of how it fought in the Ice Age, cursing without swearing about how scruffy the young whippersnappers were these days. It's one main flaw appears to have been falling asleep mid-sentence allowing it's prey to recover it's sense and run away.

Hopping-Madosaurus - a dinosaur with severe anger management issues. Built somewhat like a kangaroo with scales but with a brain the size of a peanut, this dinosaur spent so much time ranting it was permanently red in the face. Not uncommon to hear an echoey "Oh you bloody think so do you" followed by a rant about the price of fish whilst hopping up and down furiously. Preferred defence against this nutter was to say nothing for 5 minutes and then say "Oh I'm sorry - were you talking to me?". The following apoplectic rage usually raised blood pressure to such a level that it's head would explode. Then you could just shrug and say "Apparently not then".

It is hoped that the dig will be completed by 2009 as that is when the funding by the Indiana Jones Foundation will run out. It has already been scripted and pre-production is under way to turn this exciting event into a new movie - 'Indiana Jones on the Pikachu Trail'.

*Extract courtesy of National Neogothic magazine

a luego,
S