jueves, marzo 08, 2007

If a Tree Falls in a Forest

If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is there - does it make any noise? *pauses for effect* Like who should give a shit. "oooo I'm falling, save me Ivy" *SPLAT* - too late ! and there goes another 'tree-hugger' who couldn't catch. What is the point of these inane questions? Who cares..........seriously, who gives a shit, apart from everyone - otherwise they would explode like a big poo bomb, which would be smelly and umbrellas wouldn't protect you, unless it was squidgy poo or squirty poo and then the umbrella might work, maybe, but it would still smell, unless it smelt of roses ('fell in shit and came out smelling of roses' type poo).

Anyway, I digress. I looked again at 'The Little Book of Calm' available from all good hippy-shops and 'Am-I-stoned.com'. Oh this book is good......for a laugh.

A smile relaxes all the major facial muscles. It also sets off an emotional chain reaction that invariably helps you feel good. Now, replace the word 'smile' with 'fart' and I defy you not to laugh.

Fish are relaxing because they move so slowly and breathe slowly - watching them is like gazing on a seascape - yeah well, fuck-wit, explain pirahnas then.

One of the most pleasurable exercises around, uninhibited dancing distracts even the most commited worrier First, most pleasurable exercise involves sex and any biologist can tell you that, second, if your plane is about to crash into a mountain, some fucker doing a jig in the aisle is not really going to distract you. #The hills are alive with the sound of..#

Sea air, salt water and the sound of waves - all contribute to a growing sense of calm - unless, it's the sound of big waves, really fucking big waves and then you abandon calm and run like your arse is on fire. "Oh look Tsunami", "cool, could I have that on rye bread please" DOH

Put aside a certain amount of time each day - at the same time each day - which you devote to sorting through your worries - that's a really long-arsed way to describe work. 'Same day, different shit' is a bit more accurate I think.

Pretend it's Saturday - yeah, top advice there then, for the calming influence on people who work on saturdays, have to pay bills on saturday or have to deal with their ex-partners on saturdays. Oh, I'm so relaxed.......NOT grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Apparently, the Little Book of Calm doesn't do it for me.

Scheiss passiert,
S

'ps for bible tales, vote now -> Samson & Delilah (A), John the Baptist (B) or Moses (C) '
Currently votes are :-
Samson & Delilah = 3
John the Baptist = 4
Moses = 5


Your vote counts......it's gonna get more notice than voting for real (that's fucking true)

15 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

First. But waited patiently until after you had finished. . .

I like the airplane dancing. I do like dancing like no one is watching but it wouldn’t shake me out of a bad mood. #Ouch# I stumbled my bloody toe. Dance, DQ, Dance. . . err no!!!

Best thing for the soul is crying. To REM.

Anyway, behave like it’s a Saturday? In that case I should be safely curled under BFs arm contemplating getting up for a fry-up. In a few hours. Going to take THAT advice and go to sleep on the key board dosahfkawhibhnvb@$#@#$EDC. . . . .


*wakes up to give her input*

C. Again please. Never said couldn’t vote twice.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Coo - I've got something to input....for you only ;-) *thinks, must wait till BF is away*

Tippler dijo...

Calm down, lad!

Lynx dijo...

Not read the Little Book of Calm, but it sounds like a pile of old pants to me. Can't be doing with that condescending hippy bullshit. To my mind, you're better off turning to Python for advice.

DQ, I expect you're right about the crying, but if you are my soul is buggered - I've not cried in 20 years or so, and there have been some good reasons to do so in that time. Not really sure why, don't think it's a male macho thing (although I'm sure Sinitta wrote a song about me).

That Ulster fry sounds good though, any going spare?

Drama Queen dijo...

You can forward Tippler the 'salty' email so he knows I get upset easily. . .

*Blushes*

SpanishGoth dijo...

I'm not forwarding mails with sexually explicit content on thankyou - I thought it was just for me.........

MKWM dijo...

Calm down folks, we were supposed to vote. Some other kind of input is expected here.

So, if we can't have a+b+c, may I at least vote John the Baptist again?

The Little Book of Calm, you had not mentioned it for a long time, Goth Master...

SpanishGoth dijo...

I was too busy getting hot reading sexy mails - had to resort to the Little Book of Calm as I didn't fancy a cold shower ;-)

Yes I know you voted for all 3 Minky - but it was about which one to do first.....

MKWM dijo...

Too busy getting hot, writing and reading sexy mails? You will never change... S, trust me, just take the cold shower AND keep on reading the LBoC.

phoenix dijo...

little book of crap more like!!! AAAAGGH i hate that book. As you can tell i am not calm at the moment and the little condescending book is going to make me even less so. And as for crying, don't even get me started. I feel miserable and washed out when i'm crying, laughing is good for the soul not crying.And sex is just great for it but i haven't had way enough of that recently,which is a real pisser considering ,as you know goth,that my body hasn't looked this good naked since i was about 19!
*stomps off muttering under her breath about retail exploitation and how frustrated she is*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Phoenix -> it's why I like it - i.e. it's so full of shit it's funny.

As for sex, I'd really like to help you out but I'm such a good Goth I dare not......

*falls off floor laughing*

send me your number and I'll tickle your fancy - hell, I'll tickle, kiss, lick, caress anything you want :-)

kimmyk dijo...

Can I still vote? I wanna hear
A)Samson & Delilah please.

And I damn near spit my drink on the 'ooo i'm falling, save me ivy' remark. You crack me up. I have a hard time understanding what you mean with how your phrase things there across the pond, but nonetheless, you make me laugh.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Yo Kimmy - rest assured, most people this side of the pop (pool of piss) can't figure out what I'm talking about either.

Kin hell - even I can't sometimes (Samson and his bitch coming soon....:)

phoenix dijo...

ooo-er i've come over all giddy (and no obvious comments to coming over anything that's way too far below your sarcastic retort repertoire;-) but thanks for the mental images i now have, not sure they've helped with the frustration problems though!!and any other day i probably would have laughed at the little book of crap but came home to the 'for sale' sign outside my house so maybe wasn't in the best of moods.

SpanishGoth dijo...

*throws Gothic cloak to one side* I am so going to kick that twats arse you do not want to be in the vicinity. What a complete cunt (and I try so hard to not use that word).

I am so fucking angry I could do ... *think buddhism - karma and flowers*

Watch and learn my love - and laugh at the consequences of sad twats behaviour.

Going down? Oh yes...BIG TIME