viernes, marzo 02, 2007

My Name is Not Earl

I started this list after watching My Name is Earl which simplistically, involves creating a list of everything bad you have ever done in your life that you feel you ought to correct before Karma takes a big royal shit on your head. The first portion of my list, My Name is Goth contained only 7 entries so I still have about 6......thousand to go.

Number 8 - Caused someone to stamp in dog shit - hell, it seemed funny at the time. Dark winter evening, bored, as nothing was happening, collect a steaming dog turd in a piece of newspaper. Carefully position on an evil neighbours doorstep, set fire to the newspaper, ring the door bell and retreat, fast, to a suitable viewing point. Laugh hysterically as miserable neighbour appears at the door in slippers and attempts to stamp out the fire.

Number 9 - Took the piss out of foreign people - not big, not clever, but velly funny (at the time). Cue chinese chip-shop assistant asking if I want salt and vinegar on my chips... me -> "Portion of chips please" "No ploblem, you want sore finger?", "I want sore finger?No thanks, my finger hurts already", "So you no want finger", "I want vinegar, but not on my finger, I might need it later", you want finger to tek home? "No, I want vinegar on my chips, does your daughter want finger?", "No, you want finger on your flies?", "I don't want flies, I want chips""So you want sore finger or not?", "No, I don't want sore finger"...etc (meanwhile, in the kitchen the chef is pissing in the wan ton soup smiling and saying "we make special soup for you, velly funny, velly funny".....)

Number 10 - Encouraged a moron to cheat - and fail an exam - so IM kept looking at my paper for the answers during an exam and yes, I was pissed off and so in the multiple choice part I deliberately kept holding my pencil to my mouth before circling, very clearly, the wrong answer to every question knowing shit-for-brains would copy what he could see I was doing. 10 minutes before the end I stood up, as if to leave and moron followed suit "have you finished?" asked the teacher, "Yes", said moron and looked to me for confirmation "ok, you may leave" said the teacher and moron started walking away. "No" said I "just got pins and needles in my legs" and sat back down and then corrected all the answers on my paper.

Number 11 - Electrocuted my brother - frequently. Unfortunately for my little brother, who is and always will be, three years younger than I am, I discovered one of the basic principles of electricity before he did. Namely that a current travels as far as it can before inflicting pain. To test this theory I pretended to change a light bulb, knowing the power was on and asked him to hold my hand to steady me. Lo and behold, when I touched the live circuit, I felt a slight tingle whereas it was his hair that went vertical and with a yelp of pain he ran away. I repeated this trick about 6 times before he learned not to trust me. Probably explains why people being interrogated him now have such a bad time.

Number 12 - Stabbed someone - although in mitigation, said someone was attempting to mug me at the time but maybe a slight over reaction on my part. The muppet held a knife in my face and demanded my money not knowing that a) I studied martial arts for years and b) I was in a very bad mood. A split second later, he was on the ground with the knife stabbed very firmly into his thigh. In retrospect, I didn't need to stab him but then again he didn't need to try and mug me.

Number 13 - Ran my fathers car out of petrol - always. My father begrudgingly admits I have a sixth sense when it comes to how much fuel is left in the tank. So much so that he always has at least two containers of petrol, one in the boot of his car and one, hidden.....now. The reason being I used to borrow his car but never put petrol in it. Didn't seem any point as there was petrol in it already. Bearing in mind that he lived 5 miles from the nearest petrol station this could prove slightly annoying to him. For example, the time when I went on a 200 mile triip, returned the car to him and left. When he decided to go to the shops, he got in the car, started it up and got precisely 4 metres before the car spluttered to a halt, still on his driveway and blatantly out of fuel.

So now all I have to do is figure out how to "undo" these things on my list, well that's what Earl does. Then again, he won the lottery and I haven't so.....maybe I won't, yet.

buen fin de semana y besos a todos,
S

ps will be quiet (blog wise) this weekend as I am going to see my angel, Mini-Gothess for her birthday. Happy Birthday my beautiful princess. XXX

18 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Haven't read your post yet but first things first:

Many happy returns to M.

Drama Queen dijo...

Happy Birthday M.

Tut, tut re the list. Cept I don't think getting the cheater to cheat counts.

As for the stabbing. Eek.

Have fun this weekend. XX

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tx - will pass kisses to princess

DQ -> so you've never done anything bad....ever????

Drama Queen dijo...

Well I certainly haven't stabbed someone. Ever.

I like bad boys.

SpanishGoth dijo...

So apparently, according to this place Great Firewall of China my ramblings can be viewed there, unlike DQ or Teeny.

Thanks for pointing that out DQ and in celebration - sing-along-a-goth
#
So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please.
#

Teeny dijo...

So you weren't kidding when you said you'd stabbed someone. Okaay.

#backs away slowly#

Just kidding, sounds like he asked for it.

Enjoy your weekend, hope Mini-Gothess has a lovely birthday!

Mr Farty dijo...

Happy Birthday 2MG.

8 - An oldie but a goody. We do one called the shitty stick here.

9 - So long but so velly funny.

10 - Self-inflicted.

11 - My big brother would get on well with you.

12 - See 10.

13 - Meh.

I should steal this...

kimmyk dijo...

I can't believe you stabbed someone and electrocuted your brother. What the hell.

We did the dog crap thing when we were kids...man that was funny, but smelly!

Shaz dijo...

Happy Birthday M.

I love My Name is Earl & what a list!

Aunty Marianne dijo...

I did once grab the hands of someone who'd just slapped a very pregnant friend of mine. He later complained I'd squeezed his fingers.

He was lucky that was all I squeezed.

Aunty Marianne dijo...

Also, Happy birthday Gothling!

MKWM dijo...

Une faute avouée est à moitié pardonnée, so you have partly "undone" these things on your list. I ought to start drawing up my own but then again, my name is not Earl. I've done much more good things than bad things but some of the latter keep haunting me and I guess I will recall them while passing away.

Calamity Jane dijo...

I might be missing something here, certainly I haven't seen the film - but what happened to 1 through 7?

And re sixth sense on the fuel running out - could it be something to do with the fuel gauge .. maybe? Anyway that's what sons are for - running the fuel down I mean.

Happy birthday to your good lady.

bananas62 dijo...

I've only heard about #8 on TV I didn't know people actually did it! hee hee.... I have a couple of neighbors I'd like to "share" that with.....

Shaz dijo...

Pssst! Drop us a line (email on side-bar) as I have something you might wanna use! Let the mystery begin!!

going through a tough time dijo...

Happy birthday to M.Hope you have a great weekend.
I'm going to tell my big brother to do this list (I'm very very good)i distinctly remember, like your brother will, being told to hold his hand whilst he set off the ignitor switch or my mums cooker and getting electric shocks, being chased round the house by him brandishin a stick with huge spiders squished on the end,being forced to lie on the ground with a large sheet of wood on me while he proceeded to leap over it in an evil kinevil stylie with his BMX and last but not least placing his walkie talkie under my bed after telling me scary stories (i was 8)and making ghost noises in the middle of the night! oh the memories

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

I haven't stabbed anybody either. Knives weren't as easily available for me during those times.

Good list, I'll need to make one for myself. I need to undo all the damage I've done to the millions of people I've fucked over growing up.

My Name is Earl is a great show. Loved the episode where he tries to help his dad win the election and screws everything up.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Firstly, to everyone, I'm sorry but the fucker was trying to mug me thus I reacted. Deserved everything he got but I'm trying to be nice and feel guilty about it (sort of).

Teeny -> calmed down a lot now so relax

Mr F -> not if your big bro tries to electrocute me ;-)

KK -> the police advocate giving up your money, purse, wallet or whatever in that situation. However, I didn't start it, merely finished it. If he had tried to mug me using a wet haddock, I would have slapped him with that instead.

Aunty M -> good restraint my dear - personally I would have his head off and shit down his neck

Minky -> I've done substantially more good things than bad, my moral compass is not as askew as one might think

CJ -> Not a film, it's a TV series and bloody brilliant. Look here

Bananas -> share away, Goth World is not Pay-Per-View ;-)

Shaz -> Mail done

Phoenix (formerly having a tough time) -> bastard. I shall avenge you my love.....sugar in the petrol tank time ;-)

YSB -> He brought the knife so, tough shit really. Think my fave episode is the golfing one - just love the line after his girlfriend has confessed to tossing off some guy at a heavy metal concert.