jueves, enero 11, 2007

My Name Is Goth

So, suitably inspired by my latest favourite television programme, and having in typical 'techie' fashion got the entire series on DVD, I decided to make my list. The theory is quite simple, you make a list of all the bad things in your life you have done and then, after doing something to rectify/offset each misdemeanor / indiscretion, you can cross it off your list. Of course, I would have tried this with my favourite TV programmes in the past but got foiled immediately by the qualification criteria (see below, not in chronological order):-

Series - Reason
  • The Dead Zone - I just look like a corpse - I still have a pulse OUT
  • The A Team - Don't have any friends who fly helicopters OUT
  • Dr Who - never had an assistant and can't time travel either OUT
  • HGTTG - Never met a Vogon or Ford Prefect - OUT

Back to my list of bad things I have ever done.

Number 1 - Lied about my age
I guess this started when I was nearly old enough to drink 'of course I'm old enough to drink' I explained to the landlord, 'I'm old enough to pay my own bills aren't I?' and thus I was served with alcohol. Then again, when I explained to the father of the 16 year old I was found in bed with, I told my correct age and was confronted by a shotgun and had to run for my life. Scratch that one off the list - OFF.

Number 1.1 - Did naughty things with computers
I was banned from computers at a very early age. It wasn't really my fault that I figured out how to access the headmasters computer and change all the reports of the
mini-muppets I didn't like. Also wasn't my fault that said reports got sent to the parents of the little brats without anyone checking them. So I got excluded from the technology portion of my curriculum. Pants - I still work in puters and have saved countless lives and money for companies in the process - off the list too - OFF.

Number 1.2 - Slept with a married woman
Going to shortcut this one - OFF (I was married so it doesn't count)

Number 1.3 - Changed my CV to suit a vacancy
Hmm, like everyone doesn't do this. Father Goth has degrees from universities that he couldn't attend if he tried - except to arrest people. Mine just contains a severe lack of all the boring shite that no-one actually wants to read anyway. Every few years I change my hobby section to appear 'windswept and interesting' but it's not really the case. If I was truthful, my hobbies would include wine, women and song with the occassional football game thrown in. Scratch this one off too - I have never misrepresented myself and can always do the job required and thus - OFF.

Number 1.4 - Cheated at Golf
Come on - it's so bloody boring. I can't help it that I can twat a ball in a straight line correctly whilst my playing partner aims at the pin but frightens any tree in the vicinity. So I switch the ball and 'discover' it in a perfect lie before they do. The point being, I let them win - but with such a bad score that they give up killing seagulls with errant golf balls - thus OFF.

Number 1.5 - Annoyed a Neighbour
Being a neighbour is so difficult - it's just like living really close to someone you can love or hate but don't choose. I can put up with most things but excessive noise from above or below is not on the list. Sooner, rather than later, if poked suitably, I will turn to the help of Irreverand Manson. Antichrist Superstar at full volume usually does the trick. Shite - I have done so many good things for neighbours in the past you can also strike this off the list - OFF.

Number 1.6 - Fantasized about someone naked
I've heard that the best way to speak in public is to imagine everyone naked as it will relax you. Tits. I do that anyway, well with women, and it doesn't relax me at all. It either scares the shit out of me or, and this is worse, actually turns me on. Maybe not the best suggestion in the world for someone with a very good imagination. It can turn out to be jolly disappointing when you are confronted by the naked reality of your imaginings. HA HA - can cross this one off too thanks to my funky little bowling buddy V. She imagined me naked first - I hadn't even thought about her naked but must confess that once I did, the image never really never left my mind - OFF.

Oh well, maybe try again tomorrow,

ps Mariposa - I apologise again for being me - an unfeeling, unsympathetic Goth who is arsey at times (especially when ill) - I would kiss your feet in apology but you know my stance on that one. I still love you to pieces and will never cross you off any list.

1 comentario:

MKWM dijo...

If not her feet, you can always kiss her hand, a woman usually appreciates that.

*hurries to carry on working, will be back later for another comment*