Far be it from me to shrink from my role as a gifted educational icon, so if we are sitting comfortably I will commence today's lesson - the topic being The Subtle Art of Lying. It's a complex subject and one that can be partially influenced by gender. First of all we have to examine whether one should lie at all. It takes a very clever person to not lie at all. Results can be quite profound and sometimes dangerous.
Consider the male response to the female question "Does my bum look big in these jeans?". Telling the truth is not a wise option - a response of "Fuck me, where did the sun go!" or "Wow, two hippos trapped in a duvet" will generally be taken in a negative way. Lying and responding "Of course not, you look simply divine" is likely to be treated with scepticism at the very least. One can use the avoidance technique of pretending you didn't hear the question at all and thinking about 'Prison Break' or another alternative is not to put yourself in such a blatantly stupid position by simply refusing to go shopping and leg it to the pub when she's not looking.
There are lies that are female specific:-
= Wow, I've never seen one that big before
= Of course I came darling
= Gosh you are so good in bed
= Of course I'm not angry that you forgot my birthday
and ones that are Male specific:-
= That is quite a lovely pair of pert breasts you have dear
= Of course I wouldn't sleep with your best friend
= No blow job for me dear, I wouldn't want to put you out
= Darling, I'd far rather spend time with you than watch the football
A skilled practitioner in the art knows precisely what size lie to use (yes they do come in all sizes) from the slight step up from being economical with the truth, to the fucking whopper with cheese. The true skill is remembering which one you used, to whom and when. This can create all sorts of problems if you are using the 'spread the shit' method to cover a faux pas on a grand scale. Alcohol and lying are not good bedfellows as the more one drinks, the more ones tangible grasp on reality and common sense dissipates. Again this can lead to disastrous results from a simple "Not me occifer, I haven't had a drink all night" to a morning-after very rude awakening with the words "Oh my fucking god - what/who the fuck have I done this time" hurtling round your head like a washing machine on the spin cycle.
There is also the 'time and place' to factor into the 'what size fib do I need to get out of this one?'. Telling that attractive person you just clocked that you intend to give them the seeing to of their life, while your current partner is standing right behind you, can be fixed with a small white lie "It's ok darling, I was only joking" to a full on bullshit about anything to try and extricate oneself. One has to bear in mind how psychopathic your previously trusting partner may become.
Finally, remember that if you lie in writing, it will come back to twat you in your face. If a lie has to be told, tell it - don't write it. At least then you can use the disclaimer "I bloody did not say that!....ever....I just bloody wouldn't".
Ok class - you are dismissed but don't forget your homework. I want an essay on that wonderous book of fabricated nonsense (lies) - aka the public transport timetable.
And keep practising your lying techniques. Remember the old adage 'how do you know when a politician is lying? He opens his mouth'. Watch them and learn from the prostitutes...I mean professionals (that last part is a definite lie as you can see ;-)
ps and Gothess does not have a fat arse (true) - I just ramble at times (also true) and I still love her to bits 'cos she's not a gothess, she's MY Gothess :-)