jueves, enero 25, 2007

The Subtle Art of Lying

Far be it from me to shrink from my role as a gifted educational icon, so if we are sitting comfortably I will commence today's lesson - the topic being The Subtle Art of Lying. It's a complex subject and one that can be partially influenced by gender. First of all we have to examine whether one should lie at all. It takes a very clever person to not lie at all. Results can be quite profound and sometimes dangerous.

Consider the male response to the female question "Does my bum look big in these jeans?". Telling the truth is not a wise option - a response of "Fuck me, where did the sun go!" or "Wow, two hippos trapped in a duvet" will generally be taken in a negative way. Lying and responding "Of course not, you look simply divine" is likely to be treated with scepticism at the very least. One can use the avoidance technique of pretending you didn't hear the question at all and thinking about 'Prison Break' or another alternative is not to put yourself in such a blatantly stupid position by simply refusing to go shopping and leg it to the pub when she's not looking.

There are lies that are female specific:-

= Wow, I've never seen one that big before
= Of course I came darling
= Gosh you are so good in bed
= Of course I'm not angry that you forgot my birthday

and ones that are Male specific:-

= That is quite a lovely pair of pert breasts you have dear
= Of course I wouldn't sleep with your best friend
= No blow job for me dear, I wouldn't want to put you out
= Darling, I'd far rather spend time with you than watch the football

A skilled practitioner in the art knows precisely what size lie to use (yes they do come in all sizes) from the slight step up from being economical with the truth, to the fucking whopper with cheese. The true skill is remembering which one you used, to whom and when. This can create all sorts of problems if you are using the 'spread the shit' method to cover a faux pas on a grand scale. Alcohol and lying are not good bedfellows as the more one drinks, the more ones tangible grasp on reality and common sense dissipates. Again this can lead to disastrous results from a simple "Not me occifer, I haven't had a drink all night" to a morning-after very rude awakening with the words "Oh my fucking god - what/who the fuck have I done this time" hurtling round your head like a washing machine on the spin cycle.

There is also the 'time and place' to factor into the 'what size fib do I need to get out of this one?'. Telling that attractive person you just clocked that you intend to give them the seeing to of their life, while your current partner is standing right behind you, can be fixed with a small white lie "It's ok darling, I was only joking" to a full on bullshit about anything to try and extricate oneself. One has to bear in mind how psychopathic your previously trusting partner may become.

Finally, remember that if you lie in writing, it will come back to twat you in your face. If a lie has to be told, tell it - don't write it. At least then you can use the disclaimer "I bloody did not say that!....ever....I just bloody wouldn't".

Ok class - you are dismissed but don't forget your homework. I want an essay on that wonderous book of fabricated nonsense (lies) - aka the public transport timetable.

And keep practising your lying techniques. Remember the old adage 'how do you know when a politician is lying? He opens his mouth'. Watch them and learn from the prostitutes...I mean professionals (that last part is a definite lie as you can see ;-)

a luego,

ps and Gothess does not have a fat arse (true) - I just ramble at times (also true) and I still love her to bits 'cos she's not a gothess, she's MY Gothess :-)

19 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

There are different types of lies. If you are in the shop (pre purchasing) and the women is trying it on then it is ok to insult the clothing:

“It doesn’t really suit you”

“Not the best colour for your gorgeous complexion”.

Etc etc

If she has already bought something (say black boots) and she is all excited, comes home and asks for your opinion DO NOT tell her “I think those boots make you look like a cheap tart, lets just keep them for the bedroom shall we?”

SpanishGoth dijo...

I had a feeling that this post would provoke some interesting reactions. Curious about cheap tart = bedroom though ;-) Presume that's all you'd be wearing then (well, that's the mucky little path my imagination just skulked down).

I tend toward the avoidance technique if I can sometimes just by changing the subject ever so subtley

MKWM dijo...

No post related comment for the time being, I need to read this bunch of lies more carefully tonight, as soon as I get home.

I have a lot of work to do right away (true). Thank you both for your comment on my last post (true). Bye for now (might prove true).

Drama Queen dijo...

Your mind went the same way as BF and the boots have never been worn since (well not out-doors anyway).

Tippler dijo...

A journalist writes:

"One man's truth is another man's News of the World headline."

I thank you...

*Exits, stage left*

SpanishGoth dijo...

You mean the boots were worn once in that fashion - damn *hits clenched fist into other palm in a dramatic batman fashion* - I missed the catwoman event, kinky boots and pussy :-((

Only News of the Goth World T

Drama Queen dijo...

'You mean the boots were worn once in that fashion'

- once?

Are you kidding me?

Because, yeah, the first time was soooo bad ;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Well I would have appreciated you in them and showered you with petals of love (and if you felt uncomfortable, you know my cape is always available to you :-) *touches the brim of his hat and smiles*

Drama Queen dijo...

So Goth help me, Tippler wants a picture. I was going to crop that pathetic little girly from my site but I am a total blonde (true) and dunno how. The image is already hi res and you can lift it straight off but it wil lift the whole title. Now if only I knew a man who can. . .? mmm?

Drama Queen dijo...

ps I can help with the site counter and did you not know you can go in and increase it to whatever number you want yourself?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Hi Honey - already sorted the picture - will try and send it today. I know what the issue is with the counter but it's their server (and I know you can set it to whatever you want but that's cheating ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

Yeah, it is and actually I only did it in the beginning by putting the counter to 100 - which hardly counts. . .just seemed pathetic at zero!

I will be sure to encourage all my friends to log on to your site with insightful comments over the coming weeks :-)

Thank very much for the picture help, big kisses.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Looks like Goth World might be getting a bit busy next week - hold onto your underwear. Tipps world famous mag, DQ's loyal subjects and also getting plugged in the US as one of the sites to go to?!

*gets his duster out and starts to clean up*

Drama Queen dijo...

Ohhh. In the US you big fancy pants!!!

Old Broad dijo...

This is fast becoming my fave stop of the day.
I think you broke gender-specific lies down to perfection. HIFRIGGINGLARIOUS.
And yes, you're making your debut in 'Merica. They're gonna love you. Especially when they realize you people across the Big Pond really do say "ARSE."
All these years, we thought that was made-up TV stuff. ;-)

MKWM dijo...

Goth Master, I'm upset and can't think of a better comment than quoting Nietzsche, one of the few philosophers that you actually do carry a modicum of respect for:
“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Quote from that other Philosopher - i.e. me - Minky, what the fuck are you talking about?

MKWM dijo...

I agree with what Nietzsche says in that quote. The saddest thing about lies is that people don't believe you anymore, even when you do tell the truth. ('You' stands for 'any liar' and I'm not at all pointing at you here, Goth Master)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Thank Goth for that - thought I was in the shit again