jueves, enero 31, 2008

Jirasek Lighthouses

Sounds rather interesting doesn't it but no, it's got fuck all to do weird islands of dinosaur buildings - although I dare say there's a story in there somewhere.

It actually comes from the Encyclopaedia Britannica, and takes a little explaining.

For as many years as I dare to remember, I have wanted a copy of the EB. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I was brought up in a family that made a 'church-mouse' look rich - it was never going to happen.

Fast forward to a few months ago and as I was dragged around an antique (second-hand shit) shop, by Mariposa, I spied a very old copy of the aforementioned EB.

Suddenly, years of yearning for learning returned. Seen it - want it - can't afford it still !!

Two days later, I'm in the pub and someone who is emigrating, mentions that he is giving away all his books - including a copy of ... EB


I moved faster than a ferret up a drainpipe and now, the back of my office contains a version of the EB.

On the face of it (well, the spine really), Volume 13 streches from Jirasek to Lighthouses. Now I know what a Lighthouse is - there's families of the bastard things, but WTF is a Jirasek? That's why you need the books see.

A 'Jirasek' is a person for a start. A Czech novelist to be exact, whose last major novel was The Darkness (Temno).

Proof if ever you needed it - a dark theme, for a Goth. These books and I belong together....

martes, enero 29, 2008

Silly Fact Day

  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee - (Hardly seems worth it.)
  • If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb - (Now that's more like it!)
  • The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet - (that's a dangerous erection)
  • A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes - (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
  • A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy but I'm still not over the pig.)
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its! head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off - (Honey, I'm home. What the fuck...?! )
  • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field - (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  • The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds - (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day - (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
  • Butterflies taste with their feet - (Something I always wanted to know.)
  • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue - (Hmmmmmm......)
  • Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump - (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
  • A cat's urine glows under a black light - (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain - (I know some people like that.)
  • Starfish have no brains - (I know some people like that too.)
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure - (What about that pig??)

Any other suggestions?....

domingo, enero 27, 2008

Orc Transport

Alright - I've had enough of pissing around with The Bible. It's a crock of fucking shit anyway.

Back to more earthly ranting.

Public Transport - bastards!

Granted I don't like the muppets who fail spectacularly in their aim to follow a timetable. I mean, Jesus Bloody Christ - you came up with the shit timetable in the first place so why not keep to it? Unless of course it's just a great big joke - well, ha, bloody ha - it's not fucking funny.

That's not what incenses me the most though. What really, really, really winds me up is being stuck in a carriage of one of their metal underground caterpillars, surrounded by Orcs.

The great, unwashed of the world, who unite to occupy MY space without the common courtesy to purchase and use deodorant first. What is it about hygiene that these bastards don't understand? Surely the little cloud of flies hovering around their heads is a bit of a giveaway.

Apparently not. The 'garlic-munching gobshites' want to come and stand in MY carriage shouting into their mobile phones like volume will make the signal carry further.

Guess what ORCS? It's not big and it's not fucking clever!!

Therefore I have a choice. Buy a car and trash the environment or buy one of those big clown flowers that squirts water and fill it with perfume instead. Hee hee - spray the bastards!! "'Cos Orcses don't smell very nice, do they my love?!" as Gollum would say.

Unfortunately, wearing a big flower on my jacket is not a very Gothic image. I suppose I could walk onto the Metro with an accordian - that's usually a good way to empty the carriage.

Or else I could just go and buy a car?


viernes, enero 25, 2008

The Wise And The Foolish Builders

So, according to The Burble, JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Wise And The Foolish Builders. This was The Burble version of The 3 Little Pigs.

The Parable

JC rambled on a bit about this and that and then said "Those who listen to me will be like a builder who builds his house on a rock and when the rain falls and the wind blows it will still be there. Those who don't listen to me, will be like the foolish builder, and when the storm comes all will be washed away"

Therefore, according to JC, there were 2 little piggies who built houses. The first one built his on the beach and the big bad wolf (played by god) huffs and puffs and blows his house down.

The second little piggy, with a degree in structural engineering, built his house on rock. When the big bad god came and huffed and puffed, the little piggy just laughed as fuck all happened to his house.

Of course, this takes no account of igloos at all, which aren't built on rock or sand and they seem to hold up pretty well. Or treehouses either like they have in the Amazon (which were probably quite ok when god had his etch-a-sketch tantrum and flooded the world).

In fact it also doesn't account for the piggies who lived in caves either - cave-pigs.

Perhaps it was because JC and his ragged band of followers only pissed around on the edge of the Sea of Galilee and assumed everyone wanted a beach front property?

In retrospect, it might have been better if JC had said 'If you listen me, I'll tell me dad to stop pissing about with the weather and everyone will be happy'.

jueves, enero 24, 2008

The Lost Sheep

So, according to The Burble, JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Lost Sheep.

Normally, I would have a look at the parable, paraphrase it partially and take the piss out of it. On this occassion though, it's so bloody idiotic to start with that I'm a bit lost myself.

The parable concerns a shepherd who has exactly 100 sheep. What the fuck he's doing with that exact number is a mystery but, suffice to say, the shit-for-brains shepherd loses 1 of them. Not 3 or 4, just 1 of them.

In itself so far, not a problem but that's when it starts to get a bit weird. He leaves the remaining 99 and goes off in search of the 1. Why? Is he fucking stupid? Even if he finds the missing ONE, by the time he gets back surely another 10 or 20 will have done a runner!

The Law Of Averages states that this should happen and thus the moron deserves to lose more than he will gain but, oh no, he has to go and find the missing ONE sheep.

Does he expect that the others will sit there quietly discussing how best they'd like to be cooked?

And then, just when you think that the tale can't get any more fucked up, according to the Gospel of Thomas (107), the shepherd says to this lost sheep, when he finds it.... 'I love you more than the other ninety-nine.'

Oh well that fucking explains it then. So the moral to the story is?.... see if you can guess?!

miércoles, enero 23, 2008

The Prodigal Son

So, according to 'The Burble', JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Prodigal Son....

The Parable

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away - well, ok it was in the Middle East - some bloke has 2 sprogs. He explains that he will divide his inheritance equally between the two. However, the younger one is a bit of a Paris Hilton and demands the money right there and then - as they hadn't invented credit cards yet.

As soon as he has got the money, the biblical Paris fucks off and spends the lot on Wine, Women and Song (which seems fair enough to me). Eventually though, he has spent all the money and has to get a job looking after pigs - kind of a forerunner to working in McDonalds.

Pretty soon, he's sick of it and goes back home to daddy pleading for mercy and apologising for being a complete arse.

His father instructs the older brother to go out and kill a cow. The older brother is well pissed off about this and starts to complain but the father says "Just do as I ask and you'll understand".

Later, the three sit down and the father explains that all he possesses belong to the older son now "But" he says "Look what we have got to celebrate the fact that you have returned to us".

The father uncovers the plate and the older son starts to laugh.

"Not another fucking kebab!!!" says the younger brother "That's is so NOT fucking funny"

What did JC mean by this?

Who gives a shit really?! Don't spend all your money else all you will get is kebabs? Maybe?! - it seems hazily familiar when I didn't have enough for a taxi home too.

But they didn't have taxis back then, they rode asses - and my ass is exit-only.

Confusing? Welcome to 'The Burble'

lunes, enero 21, 2008

The Good Samaritan

So, according to 'The Burble', JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Good Samaritan.

Apparently, it was so popular that people believed that the shit actually happened. Fortunately, some good Samaritans, created a website and they even have their own telephone number.

Now, as the four gospels didn't even agree with each other, welcome to the Fifth Element - The Gospel According To Goth....

The Parable

A lawyer went to see JC and being a smartarse (as all legal twats are) he tried to catch JC out.

"So, how can I live forever then?" the lawyer asked.

JC thought about it and gave the usual answer about saying that his dad was really great and if you love everyone, especially your neighbour, then you would be cool and all the little flowers would be happy.

The lawyer knew the law about adultery and divorce settlements but wanted to make sure he had as big a market share as possible.

"AHA" he said, "But what if my neighbour is a right fat scrubber who smells like a badgers arse?"

JC sat back, took a huge hit from his spliff and then said....

"Dude, a man from Jean City is walking down a street when he gets attacked by poisonous dwarves. Shortly afterwards, a priest walks past and crosses to the other side leaving him bleeding. Five minutes later, a guy from Levi Street does the same thing. Finally, a fat scrubber walks past, tends to his wounds and takes him to the hospital. Who was truly the man's neighbour?"

"Well, as you haven't mentioned the residential status of the priest or the scrubber" replied the anally-retentive, and thus qualified, lawyer, "By reason of elimination, it should be the one who lives in Levi Street. It would be far too obvious for a jury to figure out the obvious and then the defendant wouldn't need me"

"Oh for fucks sake you muppet!!" said an exasperated JC " - it's the scrubber because she looked after him. Therefore, if you go and do likewise you will live forever".

"So I can eat as many pies as I want and be dead big and fat" said the lawyer, "As long as I help idiots who have been mugged by dwarves?"

At which point the Sunshine Gang gave the lawyer a bloody good hiding.

They also left instructions for the Gospel writers to change the names of the characters to make them more believable, apart from JC and the lawyer, who everyone agreed was a cunt anyway.

domingo, enero 20, 2008

GOD Wanted

So apparently the big wizzardy one has fucked off leaving a right mess behind him. Therefore, applications for the vacant position of GOD are now requested.

As an equal opportunity employer, Heaven Inc. will accept applications from any retard that makes a better job of the USA, makes 'tolerance' and 'religion' fit into the same sentence and explains what the fuck a 'duck-billed platypus' is, without alcohol or drugs.

This role is only temporary, but could possibly lead to a permanent position in the future/past or present tense.

Required Skills
  • Omnipotence - the ability to be everywhere, all at the same time, without needing a timetable, map or compass
  • Inventiveness - to create stuff that creatures didn't know they needed, like Marmite, pineapples and things that go "woooo"
  • An absence of logic - for example, giving kangaroos pouches for shopping, no credit cards, big tails and a propensity to jump, like rabbits on acid
  • Facial Hair - beards are very good for marketing purposes - unless you are female and like marrying your own relatives
  • Bullshitability - covering your arse with phrases that mean nothing, except to the 'believers' who can't check owt

References - must be from other Gods but only those who have an entry in Wisdens Almighty Almanac.
Remuneration - will be provided in the form of large groups of idiots building temples and singing your praises.
Closing Date for applications - the day before all the shit really kicks off - otherwise known as Armadillo Day.

Please forward all applications to PO Box 666, Godsville, Heaven.

jueves, enero 17, 2008

Collect This

I'm not sure what possesses people to collect things - it's not an obsession I've really fallen into. My uncles had diverse collecting habits - one a philatelist, one a lepidopterist.

For those who don't know a 'Philatelist' is a person who collects stamps. What's the bloody point? You can buy them at the Post Office and they're a damn sight cheaper. But, these stamp collectors wander around the world searching for stamps - that, by definition, are supposed to arrive at your house attached to letters or postcards. How's that for a bloody pointless hobby.

A 'Lepidopterist' is a person who collects Moths and Butterflies. Why would you want to do that? Again, I see no point. There you have some middle aged man prancing around fields and woods, waving his net like a deranged windmill. For what purpose? Apparently to catch some small insect and force a nail through it's abdomen to pin it to a board. My uncle even had a special display cabinet for the purpose.

But, they're not the only ones. Some have even had words created to group together these weirdos. Here are a few random selections:-

  • Copoclephile - A collector of key-rings.(why? You need one keyring for all your keys)
  • Oologist - Expert in or collector of bird's eggs.(go to the supermarket - they sell them in boxes)
  • Phillumenist - Collector of matches, matchboxes, and books of matches.(which I presume leads to arson?)
  • Tegestologist - Collector of beermats.(you sad bastards - just drink the beer!)

Then again, I had a friend who spent years collecting all the 'fluff' that appeared in his navel (belly-button) - whilst impressive by it's size and general fluffiness, I was never sure who it was supposed to impress (shit didn't work with prospective girlfriends for sure).

I assume that people have these obsessions for a reason? Maybe you can enlighten me with reasons for collecting??....

lunes, enero 14, 2008

Say NO To Animal Testing

Animal testing is completely abhorrent and should be banned immediately.

How people abide with such a disgusting practice is a complete and utter bloody disgrace.

For a start, it is utterley stupid to expect a dog to be able to hold a pencil - the poor bastards don't even have opposable thumbs, enabling correct usage of a writing implement - how the fuck are they going to tick the right boxes?!

And then, there's those poor, cute furry rabbits. Even assuming that said cuddly rabbits could even understand the questions posed by these animal testers, I would imagine it's a frigging nightmare trying to focus on the relevant questions with some crap test mascara running down your little furry face.

At least the monkeys made a stance - well, sort of, in so far as they refused to answer any more questions until they had received their full quota of Marlboro. (and not the crap imports from Morrocco either).

Therefore, I ask all the people in the world to say NO to animal testing.

Incidentally (he said, climbing off his black soap box briefly)... the reason for this opinionated ranting is that I observed an article in the paper recently which claimed that the 'fad' for healthy eating, has created a 300% increase in animal testing. Ergo, people want to eat healthy, but not animals, so they test the animals 300 times more to prove that..... it's just such a load of bollocks isn't it?!

So, for all you scientific boffins creating these tests - STOP testing my lunch with crap cosmetic products !!! OR ELSE..... you'll get a ruddy good punch on the bottom.

sábado, enero 12, 2008

A Bloody Foot

Actually, it was more than that - I know as I have kept the evidence. There is no way I would let the rascal escape without punitive measures. I've watched CSI New Something and I can investigate. I know what DNA means, stands for and, can proove some stuff, maybe, with a microscope and the Black Eyed Peas in the background.

It might seem petty to some people but, it was attached - to MY body. I knew it would have to happen at some time but I guess I wasn't prepared fully for the loss.

Boo-hisss - It's gone, never to come back.

Is it important in the overall scheme of things? - is it fuck!!!

But it is still somewhat of a culture shock to my system.

Am I talking about a serious loss? - like bollocks I am. All I did was to go a hairdresser - for the first time in over 3 years. I am now shorn like a sheep.

I was aiming for hair down as far as my belt but it never quite got there.

Thus, with a twist on my pony-tail, a snip of the scissors, about 18 inches of my hair became detached from my head.

I kept the hair - I'm hoping to sell it to bald people who can then superglue it to their heads and pretend it's their own.

To be fair to the hairdresser, he asked about 5 times "Are you sure?" before he made the cut. He even tried to bribe me with alcohol beforehand.

I'm not sure if he thought I was going to beat the crap out of him or, if he got me pissed first, I might say "Yeah s perfick" regardless of the outcome.

Well, too late now. My long hair has gone :((

Looking on the bright side, I no longer look like a drugged-up wizard. On the down side, I keep trying to reach for my pony-tail to tighten the hair band and it's not there.

I'm sure there are more interesting hair stories out there - over to you....

viernes, enero 11, 2008

Five Reasons To Have A Bible

Following on from the previous posting I started thinking about what possible use one could have for carrying a copy of the bible with you. Obviously, you could, in theory, read it, but it's so bloody boring.

Anyway, most of the people who preach about it haven't actually read it in the first place so that can't be a reason to carry it around - except for revision (which there seems to be plenty of).

Apparently, it's the most 'stolen' book in the world. Personally, I think that has a helluva lot to do with the fact that they leave free ones in hotel rooms. I can't quite figure out why anyone would want to steal one from a hotel - it doesn't actually prove that you've been to The Savoy or anything - just have away with the towels and robes if they have them.

Anyway, on with the list:-

5) - Discovering a Level. There are few things more annoying than a table or chair with one leg that's not quite long enough. Why waste perfectly good beer mats trying to solve the problem if you can rip something out of your trusty bible and level the surface?!

4) - Stairway To Heaven. A handy little boost for reaching things that are just out of reach. Of course, the shorter you are, the more copies you need to lug around.

3) - Self Preservation. Annoying little bastards that the God Squad are, they sometimes take to the streets to convert shoppers into believers. A nice solid THWACK around the head from the book usually clears a path.

2) - Finding The Light. If, as a smoker, you find yourself at home with no means of lighting your cigarette/spliff and only an electric hob - fear not. Tear out a page, carefully fold lengthwise and press against one ring switched on full. Within seconds - fire. Fucking genius eh?!

1) - Cleansing R Soul. You could suddenly feel an 'intruder in your valley', rush to a public convenience and then discover there is no toilet paper left. Just tear out a few pages from the book, and cleanse. Revelations my arse - so to speak.

As per usual, I'm sure there are some that I missed out so, over to you.

martes, enero 08, 2008

Justice For All

There are few things worse in this world than Born Again Religious fanatics. Regulars to Goth World know that dis-organised religion, of any denomination, is one of my hates. But, these born again nutters not only take the biscuit, they take the whole fucking picnic.

As an example of the two-faced bullshit that these cancers on the arse of society produce, let me introduce you to the case of the West Memphis Three.

To summarise the case, 3 Arkansas Cub Scouts were found brutally murdered. Immediately dubbed a Satanic killing, the townsfolk started carrying bibles everywhere (not sure what the fuck that was supposed to prove but... each to their own). A Born Again Dichead (sorry, christian) at the crime scene, was asked if he had any clues as to who might have done it. He immediately pointed the finger at one local 18-year old youth who, Dickhead claimed, was a Satanist.

What led him to this conclusion?

"Well he wears a black leather coat and listens to 'devils music' like Pink Floyd and Metallica"

Well, there's a slam dunk for you. Also means I'm somewhat fucked and therefore must be a Satanist too - which is complete bullshit as it is just another form of organised religion.

So what did the police do? Stopped investigating, arrested the kid and his two pals and promptly tried them using a combination of made-up statements that were paid for, and illegal questioning techniques. Hoo-fucking-ray for Justice then.

End result - convictions and the kid ends up on Death Row. No evidence.... don't need that. No witnesses... humbug - not required.

All of this because of some jumped-up religious Nazi who doesn't like Metallica. Guess what mother fucker? I don't like Kumbaya - doesn't mean I'm going to come around to your house and nail you to a bloody tree.

With any luck, the Appeal Court will actually take the time to listen to Metallica.

I suggest starting with Justice For All

domingo, enero 06, 2008

Sports Or Sex?

So, whilst peacefully minding my own business the other day, I overheard a conversation at the bar.

Firstly, it must be pointed out that I was there watching football. However, that was with the pre-agreement from Mariposa who doesn't actually appreciate me swearing at TV for (in her opinion) no apparent reason.

Anyway, the conversation went something like this:-

"So, come on Mr Barman. Which would you choose? Watching football or sex?"
"It depends on the game, but if it was the Champions League Final with my team playing, and Cameron Diaz turned up wanting a shag - I'd say 'Get out of the way of the fucking TV woman' "
"See, I told you" said one of the desperate housewives "Men prefer football to sex!"

I was tempted to intervene and point out that you could, in theory, watch football whilst having sex but decided discretion was the better part of valour.

In reality, if I was married to any of those harpies, I think I would opt for football any time - bloody hell, even crown green bowling would be preferable.

At half time (in the football match) I began to think back to various articles I have read about what crosses peoples minds whilst they are in the act of fornicating (shagging, to those of you without a dictionary). I recall some bloody strange things that people have thought about.

I would name a few but I thought that before polluting your minds I would let you answer.

Thus, get thinking - the strangest thing to cross one's mind whilst having sex?!!!

jueves, enero 03, 2008

Flowcharts and Decision Making

So, in my degree in Computer Programming, I was incredibly popular with the lecturers - NOT. The only time they were glad to know of my whereabouts was when I was in the pub, preferably during their lectures.

As an example, with flowcharts you have one box (a diamond shaped one) called a 'decision box' which rather became a derision box once I got started. So, the lecturer is trying to explain how it works.

"It's quite simple, if it's a 'YES' you go down one path, if it's a 'NO' you go down another one" he started to explain...

(The lecturers text is in italics)

"So you mean like, do you want to cross the road?"
"Exactly, Mr Goth. The answer would be either a Yes or a No"
"But wouldn't you need a depends option too"
"No - but why would you ask for a 'depends' option?"
"Because it would depend on whether you were blind or not"
"So then you would add a decision box to ask if they were blind"
"But then they wouldn't be able to see it - that's kind of the definition of blind"
"Look, this really isn't the point, the principle about decision boxes is..."
"What if they had no legs either?"
"Well, if they had no legs and were blind, they wouldn't be able to cross the road even if they knew where it was"
"Class, just ignore this and concentrate on the principles that I am..."
"Would you need extra decision boxes for hedgehogs too?"
"Bloody hedgehogs - what about bloody hedgehogs?"
"Well, they have four legs and they're not really blind but they have terrible trouble crossing the road"
"Yes, you could add a decision box for hedgehogs.. so anyway class"
"That's a bit fucking stupid"
"Well, hedgehogs can't read - perhaps that's why they get squashed on roads all the time"
"MR Goth - I have a quick decision for you, and it's a yes or no"
"I'm listening"
"Is the pub open yet?"
"That'll be a definite yes"
"Then please go, but try to ensure your assignment is handed in"

*a quick wink to my Gothic girlfriend who would help me catch up later whilst I debugged her programs - and off I was*

Well, nobody said decision making was easy, but flowcharts only help plumbers.

martes, enero 01, 2008

What Would Gandalf Do?

I remember reading this is one of those articles for indecisive people in one of those crap magazines that purvey this nonsense - "In such and such a situation, try to think what would Gandalf do?". Now I'm no expert on Lord of the Rings, but I'm pretty sure the answer is 'twat you on the head with his staff'. I'm not really sure how this is supposed to help people to make decisions effectively, or even remotely help those who couldn't decide what to do if their arse was on fire.

In the first place, Gandalf wouldn't do anything because he's a fictional character. Every aspect of his decision making was scripted by a little professor sitting in his crystal cage at Oxford University.

I know what Gandalf would do if he was a Goth - and the reason I know this is because I played one of those boring text-role-play games on a very early BBC Micro (computer). The conversation went something like this:-

Gandalf - Bilbo has approached and suggested we take the left fork on this road, what do you want to do?
Reply - Kill Bilbo
Gandalf - Are you sure? Y/N
Reply - Absofuckinglutely YYYYY
Gandalf - Bilbo has disappeared in a ball of flames and is no use to you now

*out loud* "Good, the little fucker was annoying the shit out of me anyway, burbling on about his travels and crap"

Obviously, the Gothic film version of the substantial trilogy would be a lot shorter - in fact, probably shorter than the trailer. But at least you would know all the annoying little gits were dead and you would have made informed, if somewhat cruel, decisions.

So, for all you indecisive people out there, I suggest you either think - What Would the Gothic Gandalf do?

or alternatively

don't buy magazines that have inane drivel as their articles - and there's a fucking lot out there, my little Gothic Space Cadets.