domingo, diciembre 31, 2006

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

"The time has come, the Walrus said..." Well, now my time has come, 2006 is nearly at an end. I have to prepare myself for tomorrows trek back to Bruxelles, via Madrid. There are only a certain number of items I can take with me and, unfortunately, Eloise - my guitar - is not one of them. I don't want to chance losing her or getting her damaged by some lunatic baggage handler at any of the three airports I have to pass through.

To elucidate - since I found out that things were 'going south' between my parents, I immersed myself in music. Initially, just listening to it and then becoming more involved. Learning to play guitar, to write songs, to join a band and perform in front of thousands of people. I always had one favourite guitar. After my son was conceived I gave up music and got a "proper" job but bought Eloise as a compensation for losing one dream but gaining a better one (followed by two - my daughter).

Since then, wherever I have moved (more specifically a place I call home), Eloise comes with me. She is here with me now in Spain but I cannot take the chance that she may be damaged. Also, I'm not sure that the new place is yet home. She will have to stay here with the 'guitar-minder' until I figure out the future. I will shed a tear when I have to leave her but as life is constantly shifting, I could be back here sooner than anticipated.

I don't play as much as I would like anymore - time spent with puters seems to rule my life. I wish I could but then again I wish a lot of things. Most importantly, I wish I could see my children more. Alas, not to be.

I wish all of you a very Happy New Year and hope to greet as many of you personally as I can manage (assuming any of you want to greet me). Shit. Didn't think of that. If you don't, just pretend I'm invisible. It's ok, I was married so I'm used to it.

In the meantime, get pissed, stay sober or do whatever suits your fancy. I wish you all the best Gothic wishes for the New Year and may all your dreams come true (apart from the one about crucifying ex-partners, or squidging small furry animals, or that dodgy one involving cocunuts)....hmmm, maybe I should have a 'whip-around' and see a therapist?! Not sure how far 1 Euro would get me though.

a luego y Feliz Ano Nuevo,

besos -> Little Goth
besos -> Little Gothess
besos -> mi madre
grand besos -> Mi Mariposa

sábado, diciembre 30, 2006

Expected Behaviour

A wonderful phrase I was given years ago whilst validating some software for a global company. When I explained that it didn't work and therefore there was no way on Goth's earth that I would sign off on it, the politics started. Meetings were called, conference calls scheduled but I had my proof.

When I was asked to explain my findings, I asked whether they wanted the short explanation or the long one. The short one. "Ok. It's a crock of shit!" So then the muppets requested the long version. Not going to bore you with the details but if a software package causes a computer to crash, it is crap. It is not expected behaviour for me. To them, it was. Maybe they had tested it also - and thus, was indeed expected.

Expected behaviour for me is like when I got caught in bed, by the father of a 16 year old girl - at the time, a very active, naked 16 year old girl. Yes, that was expected that he would try and kill me. To be fair, she had told me she was 18 years old and her body could quite justify that testament. It was also expected that, as he was 20 years older than I, running away really fast was an option that would work.

Expected behaviour again, as I prepare to return to the airport that, once again I will get "pulled" by security on the outward, and customs on the inward. Joys of the Gothic appearance. I wonder if gay people keep getting pulled with the expected consequence "oh, go on - search me". Sorry, that was a bit stereotypical but in my little knowledge of gay people, they do seem to be more in touch with their feelings, even though in certain societies they have to keep things quiet for fear of retribution or whatever.

Finally, I would just like to mention that I will be severely drunk on New Years Eve - with any luck, across all time zones in the world. It's going to take some doing but, as anyone would know me could testify, something that could certainly get classified under "expected behaviour".

a luego,

jueves, diciembre 28, 2006


What goes around comes around. Or as the Reverend Earl J Hickey says "Do good things and good things happen to you, do bad things and....bad things happen to you".

Shit doesn't work for me. I tried being a nicer person but here I am - same place/same situation. Stupid time in the morning stuck with an erection you could swat squirrels with and no-one to play with. "Watch it fella, you could take somebodys eye out with that!". Highly unlikely I think. I don't think that my inch and a half of wriggling fury has to be registered as a lethal weapon just yet. have announced that I am to be entered into their hall of fame. Wow, the little fella calmed down at the mention of their name. Probably bored the shit out of him like it does me. I know I can write poetry - I don't need some pompous twit to confirm it for me. I was just utilising the free web space and funky free printouts.

Now I just need to figure out how to take over the world. "Bwah ha ha" *in comicly Dr Evil fashion*. Actually, I don't know that I want to take over any world. It seems screwed up enough already without my intervention. If there is a Goth, I'm fairly sure that he/she/it was sufficiently stoned whilst manufacturing this existing enigma.

So, I'm off to see the doctor to get myself some viagra. I don't actually need it but I'm curious to see what will happen if I do take some - watch out squirrels ;-) The last time I saw Dr Irrelevant, he suggested/prescribed Xanax.

I didn't quite understand his instructions about dosages but did get the bit where he said - "do not mix with alcohol". To me, that's kind of like saying "do not piss into the wind".

Suitably tabletted up I drank a couple of beers. Strangest thing happened - I saved loads of money on beer. I scooted right past the drink loads of beer thing and straight to the walk into furniture mode. I would have pissed myself laughing if I knew who/what/why I was. Next time I saw Dr Strangelove he seemed somewhat put out.

Apparently I had taken 8 times the correct dosage even before I mixed it with alcohol. "But that was enough to knock an elephant out" - didn't work dude - skinny Goth takes the trophy!! Was still funny as fook! Hidden the rest of the tablets somewhere.....don't know where (but then they wouldn't be hidden if I did know).

Oh well, I suppose I can go back to bed now. Final quote from Rev. Hickey - "I'm just trying to be a better person".

a luego,

miércoles, diciembre 27, 2006

What Difference Does It Make?

And so the dark side of Goth World. The depression, always brought on by one of two factors. Women or money. Combined - fooking lethal.

I could never, at the time, understand Morrisey and his whingeing 'so what difference does it ma-ee-uk'. Now I get it. Whatever I do is never enough. So, jump on the bandwagon. Blame me for everything shit in the world. Fookin hell - Vietnam, I'll take the rap even though I wasn't born. I should create an advertising campaign "Something shit happen? It's ok I'll take the blame!"

Just because some useless twat in Mayo-land didn't do what they said they would, my bank account looks like a starving child in Africa (without the flies of course). And you....fookin crap bus driver, you're going to hang alongside me. YOU MADE ME MISS THE PLANE and thus spend more money I don't have.

As for the agency message when I tried to call to find out where the fook my money was "sorry, our offices are closed until 2 January, Merry Christmas etc" - tough shit. Take an extended vacation because I am there on the 1st and trust me, there will be nothing of the office left but dust.

Firestarter Turbo.

The little book of calm burns quite well - especially with the added incentive of petrol !!

I feel this overwhelming desire to STAMP on something small, cute & furry.

Think positive.......ok. Alcohol is more effective if you have no food. Think about that agency boy. Might want to bear it in mind when I send the killer hamsters up your rectum.

I haven't felt this angry since I found out my ex-wife wasn't sleeping with someone else. For fooks sake woman....move on! Are you that chuffing ugly? Shite, perhaps I was drugged. Maybe I am as truly 'mad as a bicycle'.

I need to punch someone - ow, that hurt! Unfortunately in Goth World you can only damage yourself.

Where's that bottle of Jack Daniels? I need to dive to the bottom.

Ha........found it. Back to normality.

a luego,

The Day After Tomorrow

Blooming crikey. I still feel pissed two days later. As I missed the 'window of opportunity' to speak to mini-goth and mini-gothess I went on what is affectionally known as a 'bender'. Sleep is for wimps - drink until you pass out or get arrested. Simple rules - drink what ever is in front of you and then go 'mine-sweeping' (pouring drinks into your glass from peeps who have been forced to visit the toilets, look after a dying pet, been stabbed in the head with a pencil etc).

It wasn't my fault I wasn't allowed to speak to the mini-goths. The dragon had other ideas. She was obviously extremely pissed off that the mini-goths liked my gifts more than hers. She wants me back - I don't want to go and thus we have a problem. In the meantime, mi mariposa was on the phone to our mutual friends in Paris. I got chastised for being arsey (yeah, yeah..I know) but they had got the wrong end of the stick. I was moody because I wanted to tell my beautiful children that I love them and wasn't able to.

Fooking hell.

Got loads of groovy new toys to play with. Thanks to mama, busy stroking hobbits in New Zealand with my not-so-little bro - the entire first series of 'Me llamo Earl' on DVD. Thanks to mi media naranja (with a little help from my vegetarian buddy from the yUK) I now have a funky MP3 player. Also the shirts that I had coveted in autumn.

More importantly, I got the chance to make a difference. Not homeless stories this time, una chica I used to work with - a beautiful woman and mini Voda (sic) that any normal guy would die for - her ex is a moron, this muppet can't see past his nose, it's so far up his arse. I swear I will stamp on his christmas chestnuts and derive great pleasure from the process.

And so, raise a glass to V and join me in mashing his bits into porridge.

Other than that, quite a normal Christmas in Goth World ;-)

a luego,

martes, diciembre 26, 2006

Boxing Day

Oh Goth how I used to hate this day. A family gathering, tempered only by the lure of chocolates for us wee children. The men would booger off to watch the football (joys of having a grandmother in West Gorton, Madchester (UK)) and thus rather close to Maine Road and Old Trafford. The men chuffed off to watch football, the women were left to gossip, the kids with, "selection boxes" - a composite of chocolate sweets which we weren't allowed to eat until after lunch, complimented with a glass of Vimto. We weren't allowed beer before you were 6 in the UK.

Alternatively, staying in Wales, we could watch rabid dogs and idiots on horses chasing badgers, foxes or other furry creatures. So much for the Hunt. Hunt - Rhymes with? (Think Sesame Street! begins with a C). Bunch of toffee-nosed geeks with no friends and even less personalities. Like they could even justify it ........ the bankers!!! Wouldn't mind if they caught the wretched creatures for a reason - tally fook off!

Today, I intend to get steadily but slowly pissed as a fart (sorry ladies, have tried really hard not to swear). I have earned this privelege - ok, maybe I haven't but the Wodka I've been drinking says I have!!!!!!

Bloody Mary!!!!!! ha ha - not swearing, just......rather tasty.

I suppose I could ask for a re-run of the Queen's speech. Naw, bollocks, the queen obsessing about her anus horriblus in a YMCA way. She should have joined the Village People before unleashing her freaks on us.

EEK - re-reading this, I sound rather angry.

Consequence of not being allowed to speak to the fruit of my loin yesterday - and yes, I am damn fucking angry. But....

My Name Is Goth (I'm just trying to be a better person)

a luego,

ps before you think I have completely lost the plot, mi Mariposa is soundly asleep after having been fed, wined and cuddled. I'm content and loved. Hooray.

besos a todos XXXXX

lunes, diciembre 25, 2006

Christmas Greetings

*bursts into song* -> "Oh the weather outside is frightful...." no it's not!! But, that's why I chose to come back to Spain for Christmas. I think I may have seen a cloud yesterday but today, perfectly azure blue sky.

By now, mini-gothess should be 'Happy Feeting' the chuffers on her GBA, mini goth pretending to be Ronaldinho on Fifa 2007 on PS2 and ex-Gothess content with the promise that I will cover all tuition fees for 2007. In the meantime Mariposa and I will cuddle up with a glass of wine each and watch some suitable tear-jerker like Aeon Flux.

I think this year, I am the most organised I have ever been. Presents were wrapped and sent in time. Nothing has been overlooked. In fact, I think I will have a very un-Goth day and be resolutely happy.

At this point I wish you all a beautiful Christmas and thankyou for reading my inane drivel. If I have made you smile even just once then it has been worthwhile. If not, well why are you reading this - you muppet!!

Jesus!! - happy birthday dude ;-)

A special thanks to Mother Goth - busy cuddling hobbits in New Zealand. Extra big love in your direction for always being there (not in NZ obviously) and continuing to worry about the weird behaviour of your offspring. May love and prosperity adorn you - and a plague of locusts descend on your ex-partner who unceremoniously left you behind. May he die a horrible death in a gutter somewhere (after being butt-fooked by an armadillo).

Feliz Navidad a todos y, para mi ninos -> TE QUIERO XXXXXXXXX

ps Hermano -> go with the NWA theory.......Fook the Police!

pps Mi Mariposa -> siempre te llevare en mi corazon :-*

domingo, diciembre 24, 2006

Homeless Christmas Party

These things only happen in Goth Land. As I was talking to my little homeless friend Leo this morning it occurred to me that they never have a Christmas party. Everyone goes to some Christmas party - unless you're homeless. Where would you have it? "Oh, the bus shelter looks good this year folks". Who would you invite?

So, having shared a coffee I went away to contemplate this. Needless to say, my freaky Gothic mind came up with a solution. Merrily to the supermarket I did go thinking ahead of how I was going to a) give Leo and his lovely dog Bo a day to remember and b) freak out most of the population of the city.

Suitably kitted out in my best Gothic gear, and with considerable supplies, I returned.
  • Bag full of clothes I would never use
  • Bottle of cheap champagne
  • Plastic glasses
  • Assorted snacks and chocolates
  • Chewy smelly dog type things for Bo
At first I thought he was weeping from happiness but then I realised how demeaning I must have appeared. Complete twat. I hadn't given a thought to what HE actually wanted. Bo, however was over the moon. After a discussion he (Leo, not Bo who by this time was licking his balls) understood that what I had done was with the best of intentions. We shared a drink, a laugh and I promised to take him for a coffee at a suitable terrace of his choice before my return to the Sprout in the New Year.

Not quite in the Bob Geldof arena yet but 'poco a poco' -> Spanish for 'baby steps'.

In Goth World this is what Christmas is about. Make someone happy instead of rewarding yourself with all the worldly goods you can attain. Not that I plan on giving away my puters and stuff, but, one by one we can all make a difference if we choose to.

As John Lennon would have said, on predictive text messaging "ndkj vnfdx k nbdxz". (Give peace a chance)

a luego,

sábado, diciembre 23, 2006

Bus Driver

It can't be that difficult to drive a bus without hitting something - not if it's your job. Apparently, in Mayo-land it is that complicated. Having allowed ample time to get to the airport the bus driver promplty twatted a car. As if this wasn't enough, he proceeded to shout in French that it wasn't his fault, he had right of way...blah de blah. 40 minutes later and the intervention of some less than inventive police gestapo and we were mobile again.

Now I've been monitoring flights over the last few days and the majority have been delayed. Not the git that I wanted to catch. Sorry, the gate is closed now. BASTARDS.

My only alternative to staying in Mayo-land was to get an alternative flight. Can't do one from Zav though - have to go to Liege. Fooking hell - I don't even know where Liege is let alone how to get there but, in desperation I took and paid for the flight.

Now the race was on. Get to a place I don't know, have never been to without missing another plane. Life was so much cosier in bed :-(

Having booked a train ticket from Zav to Liege I asked politely which platform I should wait for my latest adventure on. Number 3 in 10 minutes. Hooray, something going right. IDA (Impending doom alert) - bloody thing was late. And just to rub it in I had to change at a place called Leuven. Not that complicated except that they don't speak English, French or Spanish there. Eventually, I figured it out and got the right train to Liege.

In typically Belgian fashion, there is no way to get from the city to the airport except by taxi. Muppets! Or perhaps a conspiracy of taxi drivers?! The one I got was really nice - quoted me 30 euros direct, took me to the bank/cash machine on the way to the airport and still came up with a figure of 27 euros at the end of the journey. Nice one dude. Having 'mentally budgetted' for 30, he gets the 30 and a beer or two.

My only consolation to this disaster is that not once has anyone assumed I'm british and thus spoken to me in English. Nice not being considered Johnny Foreigner but I'm kind of used to being the outsider. Just hoped it hasn't frogged my Spanish up for later today.

As I write this I am sat at a bar in the airport at Liege. No smoking - BOO HISS. But the waitress is rather cute in a diminutive, oriental way. Cool place though, more bars than shops - if only all places were like this!

Doing this makes me feel a bit 'Goth in the City' - tapping away on my puter, watching people and fantasizing about shoes. At least I'm not at work.....hee hee. I wonder if you could actually get paid for rambling - of course you can....I know some journalists ;-)

a bientot,

Update #1 -> what a chuffing disaster. If it wasn't for the lovely Sandra Bullock lookalike working for the airline I swear I would have punched someone very hard, on the bottom. In amongst the chaos, she was a shining light - thankyou my dear and big Christmas Gothic kisses to you (did tell you I'd put you on here but forgot to ask for your telephone number - DOH)

Update #2 -> someone up there is taking the piss. Got home, eventually, to a bottle of my best friend Senor Daniels and there on the label is the list of awards JD has won.... 1905 Gold Medal, Liege, Belgium. Little bit ironic - don't you think?!

viernes, diciembre 22, 2006

Back Home

And so, the final posting from Mayo-land before I jump on a plane and scurry back to the sun. For those of you remaining here I wish you scarves, gloves and central heating. Looking on the bright side, you should get visited by the chubster in the red suit first as you are closer to the North Pole (assuming you've been good boys and girls that is).

Personally, I have been very good this year and as my letter to the chubster was sent off in plenty of time I may even get what I asked for. I completed my portion of the Christmas shopping with plenty of time to spare and without having to do one of those last minute rush around the shops at the worst time of year things. It's a shame I won't get to see the little Goths faces on Christmas morning but I will be thinking of them and will endeavour to not weep too much.

Fortunately, as I found out last night, Godzilla (ma-in-law) has changed her plans and will not be bringing her little cloud of doom to stay with us thus making an even more festive season than was anticipated. In some ways it's a shame as I had already made my battle plans, downloaded multi-megs worth of work related documentation so that I could justifyably lock myself in my office whilst she was in attendance. Now, I suppose I will still have to read it but will also be able to spend a large portion of time filling myself with festive goodies whilst watching the google box.

The only problem with our cable provider in Spain is that there is no BBC (bloody good channel over Christmas) or Sky Sports so I will be missing out on the football too. On the flip side, everything is cheaper there - in particular my best friend Mr Daniels. Saturday will be a short trip to El Corte Ingles (the supermarket) to stock up, particulary the lovingly presented roasts that they offer each year - complete with luscious stuffing.

In the meantime I wish you all the love and cuddles you could wish for, copious amounts of food and drink and for the ladies....Gothis kisses to you all XXXXX

Yo los deseo una Navidad Feliz y un Año Nuevo próspero

a luego,

domingo, diciembre 17, 2006

Arsey Mood

Too angry to post this yesterday so you'll have to pretend your in a time warp and Sunday in Spain lasts twice as long as any other day *wavy arms oooooo*

Unfortunately, I woke up in a nasty mood - the sort that you don't want to be in the vicinity of. Fortunately, mi mariposa is used to my mood swings - chooses to ignore me until I have calmed down.

We went for lunch, which turned out to be an all-day session. Across the table were 2 children but I couldn't figure out why they attracted my attention. After a while, baby bear said, or rather, asked me "Are you a bad person?" - without waiting for an answer, he continued "Do you steal things from people?". Ok - little freak meets Goth Freak. "I the past" I responded truthfully. "Oh, that's ok then" he replied and continued pulling his ham sandwich into little pieces.

All the time that this conversation was occurring, his big sister was shooting daggers at me (metaphorically, not in real life). Eventually I entered into a conversation with the two 'wee-ones' and their father. "So, it must be tricky dealing with Autism?" I ventured avoiding the obvious 'isn't it a nice day' thing.

"How did you know?" asked Daddy Bear. Suitably non-plused, baby bear came around the table to ask why I was talking to Daddy bear without permission. I lifted up my jumper to show him the Man Utd shirt I was wearing for the game later, he stroked it carefully and then asked "where's your name?". Deciding not to swear in earshot of baby bears I thought, rather than vocalised "Fooked if I Know". Return to ham sandwich demolition.

I know children - I behave like one enough of the time!

I signalled to baby bear that he should come and talk to me again. "What have you asked Father Christmas for?" - "ssshh" he replied, "not allowed to tell". After which he told me exactly what Mommy Bear had on her shopping list. So, I decided to raise the bar - make things a little more difficult for Santa's little helpers. I have no idea where you would buy this particular toy in Belgium (or anywhere else for that matter). Not my problem, I just created it ;-)

So, having turned my attention to Babe-ess Bear I uncovered some startling information. Schools here are just as crap as the yUK. At least she speaks French....not so sure that's a positive point.

Anyway, they left - not before baby bear shouting out (and making peeps jump and drop coffee cups etc) "BYE S....SEE YOU NEXT TIME"

Now, I am totally drained but have to go and watch football. I don't have to....I choose to.



addendum - football shite but my new best little mate was there. He turned to daddy bear and said "Told you S would be there". He was correct - I was but, I did make a promise to the little rascal.

Boll fooking Uks

So now I am really angry. The cheeky twit has cottoned on to the fact that I've been surfing his Wifi for free and now I have no free internet connection. I know I was 'extracting the urine' using it, downloading the latest version of Linux complete with free penguins but that's not the point.

Now I have to move my arse outside gaaaaaarrrgh. Probably have to go to one of those T'internet Cafes. Hateful. Full of African people shouting down the phone like it is going to travel further "HELLO - I'M IN BELGIUM - CAN YOU HEAR ME?" - yes I can fooking hear you and if you don't shut up I'm going to kill you and your pet monkey!!!!!

I suppose I could invest in Twittycom but I don't want to. What if I had to call their helpdesk for some bizzarre reason, like actually needing help?

Pour continuer en francais apppuyer sur un
Por Nederlands twee
For English - hold the line, listen to some well dodgy music and when we do answer your call we'll still speak to you in French (ha, teach you to live abroad you son of a raspberry!)

I suppose I could go the Grand Place in The Sprout - use the free T'internet connection available there. Twittycom have been kind enough to furnish a list of places that they call 'hot-spots'. Really cool if you log in via the 19216811 (with dots in appropriate places) as you come on line as the Administrator of the network. Ha ha - change stuff and run away in a slow motion, wavy fashion.

Listening to Led Zeppelin at the moment - jeez, you must have really got your moneys worth if you went to one of their gigs. Each song seems to last for an hour. Complete opposite of The Ramones - 120 seconds of fury/angst delivered at high speed. Hooray, music has changed to Rage Against The Machine. "that's how you got a bullet blasting through your head! Just victims of the in-house drive by - they say jump, you say how high.........."

So, today I get to watch Man Utd v West Am. Normally the result is not a tough decision, but tomorrow my Santa's Little Helper who is an Ammer is bringing me toys (techie stuff) back from the yUK - if his team get 'hammered' I may not get my cool toys :-(( Where's Cantona when you need him? He could karate kick all the fans, without breaking my new toys, and everyone would be 'appy. I'm forever blowing bubbles - just like Michael Jackson.

Interesting news - I'm pregnant.........not really, just checking you were reading fully. Bit stuffed on that score being womb-less. I suppose if I lost my virginity I could create - being a Goth and all, but then I don't have those lovely wobbly bits to feed created Goth-lit. Have to sit down and ponder creating a Miss Goth. Eek, gives me an idea for a TV gameshow.....the perfect Miss Goth. Will spend the rest of the day pondering and unload this insane drivel tomorrow.

a luego,

sábado, diciembre 16, 2006

Day of Discovery

Hooray - it's not just me that's weird. Not that I give a flying chuff but it does make you wonder. I mean, what would happen if you weren't as screwed up as you thought you were? Yikes. Anything might happen. Anyway, having attended one of those Christmas Dinner things (suits and all) I have concluded that the only sane people in the world are myself and my invisible friend Slide Boy.

It is frightening to see powerful people dress up in 'jim-jams' in front of a room full of people. I understand the underlying psycholgical philosophy behind it but... it's still a grown person in pyjamas.

Looking on the Goth side - free alcohol, free food etc. People in pyjamas and silly santa suits - forgiven!!

I was late - always come last - it's a Goth thing. However, I was sat next to a particularly beautiful young lady and spent all the time worrying about the fact that I had forgotten to put any fragrance on. What might she think of me? I found it hard to concentrate on anything apart from the dress, the body and what might lie beneath it. Lovely if she took the time to talk to me but if you don't smell nice why would any decent woman want to talk with you in the first instance?! Perhaps I smelled of sex?! But how can that be as I am a virgin - must be an immaculate contradiction thing.

And now, mi Mariposa reclines on the sofa as I type away on my baby 'puter.

Oh the joys of residing in "Nerdsville" - like a 'blessing in disgust'. As Staind said "It's been awhile since I fooked things up, just like I always do".

Getting bored of my desk looking like the Starship Enterprise flight deck - puters everywhere. I want the old days when I was in a band - loving, rocking and drinking - guitars, empty bottles of Jack Daniels and amps everywhere. But I'm too old for that shit now. I have resposibilities. By-product of the loving-thing -> children. Not that I regret their existence for one second - they are my 'life-blood'. Life changes and you have to change with it.

On top of that I must undo all the screwed up shit I caused my butterfly because of my kids. Not because the kids can't let go but because their mother can't recognise when it's over. As Moist said "Push just a little too late - is this want you want, what you need, what you wanted me to be?"

And, whilst I'm on the topic of mini-me's I am going to readdress the fortunes of the wonderful foodstuff known as sweetcorn. Sorry T-Meister but you're on your own for this one. Mini-Gothess loves corn on the cob and I order it for her every opportunity that I get to see her. If she finds out you are insulting her favourite food stuff she will kick the crap out of you and I will be laughing too hard to help you. She's only 8 years old but I expect her to reach her 1st Dan in Karate by 11 and when she does, I will devote all my energy to ensuring that she can go to Japan to attain the next few levels. Even now she is scary, way beyond what I achieved in martial arts - and I thought I was good fighting for my country in competition (small country - Wales).

Soon be Christmas and we get to celebrate a guy getting nailed to a tree by getting gifts for peeps.

a luego,

ps shopping done already - gifts already handed to Satan Claus
pps if you're buggering off home for xmas now, best Gothic wishes and enjoy :-)

jueves, diciembre 14, 2006

And God said No

So, my alter-ego - the big chuffer with a beard has been farting again - only reason I can explain all this wind. It's great if you want to fly a kite - crap if you want to keep your hair in place. Yikes! Just occurred to me. What happens if you wear a rug? (toupee) - hold on for Jimminy Cricket's sake!

Sunday was fun. Went to the pub to watch football, drink beer and attempt to be a normal member of society. Didn't really work but got the beer thing sorted. Also, cheated and did something I haven't done for years - played pool for money. Cool. More money than I started with (into 3 figures to be exact'ish). Not my fault that 'clever-pants' talked better than he played. In the end, 70 smackeroonies better off, after all beer/whisky paid for, I came 'home'. Felt like Tom Cruise without the cheesy smile - oh, and without a naked Nicole Kidman sat on my face.

I was agitated about my neighbour so I decided to interact. First reaction was to do the rain hell and furious vengeance thing (smite all in your path thing) but I relented and went the other way. That is, I 'niced' her arse!! Now, not only is it very peaceful, I have a willing volunteer to do laundry, look after any pets I may choose to get and generally slip notes under the door with strange messages on.

Oh, the joys of being Goth.........

In a few weeks I have to deal wiith the 'Evil One' - not looking forward to that at all. Perhaps she might explode beforehand - perfect xmas present. 'Hi' - *boom* - how cool is that? And, in a perfect world, I wouldn't have to clear up the bits either!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, I think I am going to be tested again. Eek!!!! Sounds like a Britney song. The antithesis of evil - the Spears one! Fook off back to the Disney Channel!! (and take your chipmunks with you).

And Goth said No...........

Only been back here a week and my calendar is already full. Christmas parties and all that malarkey. Not my cup of whisky at all - but if peeps want to give me free food and alcohol - Goth says yes....

Then it will be new year and indiscriminate snogging - that's a definite no on the Goth Top Ten of favourite activities. It's not the swapping bodily fluids that concerns me, it's the invasion of my personal space without an invite. Piss off and take your lucsious twin sister with you. I don't mind 3 in a bed as long as we all agree - no alarm clocks, no getting out of bed until sunset except for me to venture to the kitchen and bring back some food/drinks for us all. Otherwise......

Goth says NO

domingo, diciembre 10, 2006

Weak End

Thus Goth rested. Not entirely true - there was the Madchester derby football match to attend but other than that - no agenda. Have successfully avoided churchy type things on a Sunday for zillions of years so no change there then.

Trying to get used to this new keyboard layout is a pain in the rectum - why can't all keyboards be the same? Why do I have to hold down the <.shift> key to get a number? This could be so confusing. What if I lose my virginity, meet a girl and take her to bed? Will she understand that <.shift> 69 is a position or will she just hear the <.shift> and assume I meant go away? Boo hiss!! No pie for Goth boy.

Stopped raining in Mayo-land which is nice. Robert Smith and his tears for chuffing rain. Stop it!! It's not big and it's not clever. I'm used to Spain and I don't live on a plain. Sun, very un-goth like I know but strangely comforting even when I am avoiding it.

Met some interesting peeps this week.

The train conductor who thought I didn't have a ticket (quite correct actually) but fortunately for me, I was able to explain that as one of the <.shift> 4400 (kidnapped by aliens etc) they probably kept my ticket as a souvenir. Suitably freaked out he left me alone.

The taxi driver (in Mayo-land) who speaks no English or French but for some bizarre reason, does speak Spanish (hooray). Got exactly where I wanted to for only <.shift> 6 Euros.

The trainer whose grasp of English is hazy at best. Delivered her speech in French with an African accent then I had to laugh (out loud) at the description of getting help through "First Aids" - mettez un preservatif! (and stop bonking the monkeys)

The waitress who was transfixed by my hair being plaited - don't care, I just buffet on the winds of fashion. Still got served first so who cares?!

The neighbour who thinks that making noise is clever. Been polite, been discreet - now cometh Brother Manson at maximum volume for the dark hours. "Oh, did I wake you up? Try reading the Little Book of Calm and relax - or else DIE". Wouldn't mind if she was cute but she looks like a pig on stilts. Not that I'm being bitchy but she does look like she was breast-fed through a straw.

The barman - serving me drinks and a little bit freaked when I spoke to him in Spanish. He speaks Spanish but figured I couldn't - DOH. In Rome, do as the Romans do. Not really sure what that means except you should build really straight roads, invent central heating and feed lions with religious zealots. "I'm Brian", "I'm Brian.... and my wife is too!!"

a luego,

sábado, diciembre 09, 2006

Any Weirder?

Ok. Things, life, situations cannot get any stranger. Well, they could but I would have to inhale a large amount of drugs to get to that point. My children love me (it's their job - even when I'm a complete twat), women like me on an ethereal plane, men love to tell me their inner secrets. Things are coming together - like a little animal orgy (just think of those little hamsters in stockings and suspenders).....Oh, the joys of being Goth.

No wonder that I'm as fu*ked up as I am. I always worry about everyone but me.

Anyway, I have strayed from the path of good once more (well, the path was a little bit fragile to start with) - friggy diggy!!

I have returned to the country I spurned and it welcomed me with mayonnaise covered, outstretched arms.

For Goth's sake, can I do nothing right?

Once, it would be nice to just....... be.

Looking on the bright side - oh shite, there isn't one. After Eight mints are my only distraction - sad but true.

4am, wide awake when I should be asleep. Gaaaaarrgh. (when I wrote this, not when I posted it - I can get pissed with the 'best of them' but haven't figured out the time travel thing yet)

As for you that thought that I couldn't post when I was busy....ha ha, just a time of the month thing!! Grew hair and had to howl at the moon so it was a little difficult typing but I'm back to sub-normality now.

a luego,

ps if it's your connection I'm using - tough - get the encryption sorted you muppet

viernes, diciembre 01, 2006

Happy Birthday Goth Junior

So, it's official today. Twelve years to the day since miracle number 1 in my life appeared on the planet. True to form, he waited until just after closing time at the pub to make his mother's waters break and start his arduous journey out. Can't say I was impressed with the 9 hour labour ordeal but he was worth the wait.

So I undertake my ordeal of travelling back to that horrid country where he lives with his mother in order to hug him and tell him how proud I am of him and how much I love him.

He has it tough really. Fast-tracking in the school system, officially labelled as gifted - the girls love him for his elfin qualities and demeanour. Boys hate him for being so popular with the girls. Long black hair, a gift for languages and computers as well as a gifted musician. (Don't know where he picked all this up from - sounds nothing like his mother!).

I don't care though - Goth Junior is a star in my universe of love.

Not so happy about all the messing around with flights I will undertake over the next four days but I will be happy at the gleam in his eye when he smiles (against Goth protocol I know) seeing Goth Senior walk through the door. Should also be happy with the CD's I Amazonned in advance to be on the safe side (including, funnily enough the latest Evanescence CD - his request). Spooky but true.

It's a shame I can't see him every day but then I would also have to see Mrs Ex-Goth every day and that just wouldn't work. I should also give a mention to Gothette Junior (miracle number 2) - not her birthday but I love her equally as much. She does have qualities I can equate with her mother - stubborn, bloody-minded, very beautiful and can be a royal pain-in-the-arse. But, she is fiercely protective of her brother and would literally kick the shit out of anyone picking on him. I know, I've been on the receiving end of said ferocity. Luckily, as my arms are long enough I could just put my hand on her head, far enough away that she couldn't kick, punch or bite me, until the storm had blown itself out.


LBoC ->"Take junior lessons. Take a lesson in calmness from children: watch how they live every moment for the pleasure of the moment. Pretend and you could be like that too" - No arguments today and no madness quotes on a special day.