domingo, octubre 26, 2008

Rocky Horror Picture Show

I finally got around to buying the DVD of The RHPS and I must say - the water was deep but I swam it, Janet.

It remains the only film I have seen over 100 times. I have also seen the stage show countless times and is the only event that would cause me to wear suspenders and a bra (just like my dear papa).

If you have never experienced it (the show, not the womens underwear thing), the following will make no sense at all.

Why I fell in love with The Rocky Horror Picture Show

In one evening:-

I was asked to go for a date with the most gorgeous Gothic girl but I had to bring a newspaper and some rice (no explanation was given)
I received the most amazing blow job in a public place without warning
I had to run onto the stage and "Do a jump to the left" (which I did as I was still in shock from the oral sex adventure)
I observed lots of strange people being very 'nice' to each other
I crashed the car I had 'borrowed' (not my fault) on the way back home
My life flashed before me (in slow motion) and I wondered why there was rice all over the crash site
I was arrested by the police and charged with various boring legal nonsense
I had to listen to my police-person father lecture me on how I was destroying his career
I told the full story to my mother and she laughed
I had some most excellent dreams

Granted, the next time that I watched the movie, it did not have quite the same effect but, I still grin at "It's just the pelvic thrusts....".

So, the DVD is prepared, the underwear is available, the rice and newspaper ready and the Sword of Damacles is hanging over my head.

*Gothic bliss*

viernes, octubre 24, 2008

Schools Out Forever (Or Not)

School is a scary time - although, it gets an awful lot worse when puberty kicks in.

As I have never set out to be popular, it wasn't a huge deal for me - avoiding getting the shit kicked out of me seemed more important than how I looked to other people.

Someone might have a trend-setting haircut but admiring it in a hospital bathroom nursing broken limbs seems a somewhat vacuous choice to me. I was far happier if everyone assumed I was weird and just avoided me.

However, when puberty kicked in and I wanted to test my theoretical education on sex, being the weird outsider was somewhat of a hinderance.

So, I did what I had to - got barred from every computer in the complex and then forged a career in the very same thing (after a brief attempt at being a rock star).

I was however, gutted, when a number of years later, I met the one girl who I would have died for. In casual conversation, reminiscing about the 'school days' I mentioned how much love I thought I had for her at the time.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" she asked with a wistful look in her eye

"Sorry to be so obvious" I replied "But you were the one that all the boys wanted, and some of the girls too. There was no way I was going to ask you anything and have my dreams shattered"

"But I would have said 'Yes' immediately - you were the only one I was interested in"

*Oh for fucks sake - now you mention it...*

Why bring this up now? Because that School Reunion thing is looming and people I haven't seen or heard from for many years are connecting.

I had a brief 'conversation' with someone who asked me if I remembered even meeting her 20+ years ago. She was somewhat shocked when I could recall every detail of the meeting, and exactly what transpired.

I have an excellent memory but, I am male so, by definition, I have a selective memory.

Your turn now - share the pain of education with Dr Goth ;-).......

miércoles, octubre 22, 2008

Too Tired To Fight

I know I should fight but, I'm weary.
If I give up, then I am perceived as weak.
If I continue I am seen as aggressive.

To paraphrase The Clash :-

Should I stay (quiet and let shit happen when I know it is wrong)
Or should I go (and create havoc)

It's a quandary - if I stay it involves basic multiplication but if I go it invoves Venn diagrams

Tough decision - but before you answer the pseudo question, it's too late.

I have decided to

domingo, octubre 19, 2008

Faster Food

As a Goth (and no, I am not the only Goth in the village) - I do not like fast food.

I do not appreciate scary clowns like 'Robert Smith in his pyjamas' trying to force burgers in my face. If I feel the need to eat pulverised - pseudo-meat' with spices between bread, it will not be served by a moron in a costume.

Likewise, I do not appreciate weirdos spitting (on) kebabs or crucifying animals for no reason other than "Their Fat Greeds Welding".

I read a story this week and my initial reaction was 'Fuck off - you cannot be serious'.- but, the story is true and feel free to google it yourself...

A group of 'xxx' decided to create the largest sandwich in the world. To achieve this, they butchered lots of ostriches and tried to create a sandwich 4,900 ft long (approx 1.3 km).

The 'esteemed coucil of idiots' created a new level of pomposity in Tehran, capital of Iran.

The X fuckers were rather surprised when spectators rushed in to devour the food without waiting for the world record to be broken.

Uhhmmm - might be a reason fot that

jueves, octubre 16, 2008

Mr Gorsky

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks (the usual comms traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control)

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr.Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

sábado, octubre 11, 2008

Voodoo Child

Before any sanctimonious twats start parading their shaven knowledge, it is not called 'Voodoo Chile' - never was. However, the only God to have walked this earth, in a 'guitar-playing' fashion, once created this masterpiece of blues confusion.

Discussing golf is usually a very short conversation with a Goth but, curiosity is an overpowering thing.

*Meanwhile, back at the bar*

Goth and Joliet Jake are arranging where they should meet for the forthcoming concert of ROCK.

JJ says that he is playing golf with his new toy during the day, but mentions 'Voodoo Golf'
Goth asks, what the fuck is that ???
JJ explains that 'Voodoo Golf' is a gift that he received whereby one can stick pins in your opponents effigy, destroying their 'swing' or something
Goth suggests a swift kick in the bollocks is quicker
JJ says that is not sporting but does join in with the improvised lyrics....

"Well, I stand right next to a bunker,
Fucked up as I went in the sand,
I picked up my little sand wedge,
And wrapped it round the bastards head,
cause I'm a voodoo child
Goth knows I'm an evil child baby"

Several alcohol laden drinks later, Goth asks who JJ is playing golf with.

After diet coke has stopped shooting out of his nose, Goth implores that JJ employs the "Voodoo Golf".

Well, it was a fucking Friday......

***Breaking news - Joliet Jake is changing his name to Punjabi Hendrix - if life is Purple, and Bacardi makes you hazy ***

domingo, octubre 05, 2008

Stolen But Funny As Fuck

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

sábado, octubre 04, 2008

Fucking Politics

Being Gothic, one tends to analyse everything to the n'th degree in a somewhat morbid fashion whilst adhering to the concept that the 'new' black is in fact, still black.

'Fucking' in, and of itself, is generally good but if followed by another word can meta morph into something not very good at all.

'Politics' is always bad - like an evil little representation of everything that is corrupt in humanity.

Here follows a train of thought - but - be warned

**you may need drugs to understand this**

Fucking is a word which can describe intense emotions but is usually not associated with grandparents as they didn't have the word fucking and so had to improvise and use the word 'jolly' instead, which doesn't really carry the same gravitas as 'fucking' unless of course you are a jolly weirdo, in which case fucking animals is ok because they can't say no, which only underlines your stupidity as animals can't talk as they don't have the vocal capacity for it, which is why Americans like animals so much, in a somewhat salacious way, and this is good, because the idiots can't read either, as they are too busy trying to figure out how to eat everything they don't understand but that's ok because at least they are not Arab as they would then try to blow the shit up first and then eat it afterwards, which is stupid because if you blew shit up it would make tiny small pieces and then a fork wouldn't work so you would have to use chopsticks, which is Asian and has nothing to do with fucking at all, apart from the Chinese people, who use chopsticks and fuck a lot as there's a squillion of them, but they can't eat soup, ever, as you can't eat soup with chopsticks but you can poke people with the fuck-sticks, and if you're really small, it will hurt bigger people as you will probably poke them in the bollocks which would hurt, unless you 'CHI' kneed them, in which case they would hop around like mental rabbits (Bamboo shoots, but Jackie Chan saves... the day).

Fuck it, I got lost.

So, politics is stuff that isn't really interesting at all, apart from when you are completely mental, in a 'lost the fucking plot' way, where you decide that everyone is evil, apart from the good ones, except that you can't decide who the good ones are, so you just decide that you will fuck everyone up, and then hope that the general populus will vote for you, but if you're in Africa it doesn't really matter because if you have guns and the peasants have nothing but a bag of underpants, which is their house, you can shoot them and pretend that they voted, or America where they also have underpants but they can't count and it doesn't really matter as they have the CIA and they have seen all the James Bondage films and invented everything, ever, apart from noodles, and marmalade, which has bits in it, like a politicians brain, but they're not very nice bits and the bits look nice on TV, which was also invented by Americans after they had seen what a Scottish person had done, but he didn't have a video camera to document how clever he was, but neither do foxes and they had a campaign to ban hunting but, due to a lack of opposable thumbs couldn't make badges, which is really important in politics, or perhaos, they didn't have the mental capacity to reverse a sign, like the Nazis, who reversed a Jewish symbol and then decided that they should burn all the evidennce, in a Hitler-gate sort of way, but they could have discussed stuff in pointless meetings in the Capital Of Europe, like that would have made a difference, and countless people could have struggled to translate bullshit into another language whilst the politicians thought "Coo - I wonder what's for lunch" instead of actually doing something, like Sir Bob Geldof, who saved some people in Africa by saying "Give us your fucking money" but then gave his children stupid names so they could be bullied in school, which is a shit place, school, full of failures of society who strike when stuff is shit, but created the shit world through their ignorance and funnily enough, have a union called NUT which is self-explanatiry I think, but perhaps, I'm not allowed to think, about politics