domingo, octubre 05, 2008

Stolen But Funny As Fuck

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.


Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

11 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...

Hell,I hope they dont ask me if i'm a spastic!

kimmyk dijo...

Just don't send me your ironing Goth and we're good. *wink*

( . )( . ) dijo...

I suggest eating dinner with a fork. Handy things those forks, you might find you get more of a mouthful as well, knives just dont cut the mustard. Pun intended.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

"A Tommy Cooper for the new millennium". (UpFront Magazine)

Mr Farty dijo...

Thank fuck you've stopped banging on about the Catholic Church for once, 'cos that was getting a bit tired.

I liked the Um Bongo joke best.

Honey dijo...

"Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while." so why is that funny exactly?
loved the rest!

PI dijo...

Liked the nurse's one.

JolietJake dijo...

I want to know what Barack Obama thinks about it.

It's my democratic right.

zoe dijo...

"'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes."

In that case, she isn't British. She can't be. Mashed 'tatoes are the best. Unless your name begins with an 'A' ...

or a 'C' - or is it 'T'... bloody hell, my family is large.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> doubt it - you never know

Kimmy -> I don't need ironing - not old enough yet

(.)(.) -> do explain more about this 'more of a mouthful' thing

Daphne -> Tommy's working for Up Front?

Honey -> you should read (look at) Desperate Housewives

Pat -> I had a girlfriend who was a nurse - the matron scared me too much

JJ -> you democratic? yeah - and I'm fat

Zoe -> make them do the cooking then. When they've finished - mash it all up and proudly exclaim "See, told you it was best"

Crabtree dijo...

It is said that they prefer the blondes !? And well me I prefer them intelligent ,and spiritual ,rarer !
I knew a woman who was one truth tornado ! God not there prop for nothing ?
For the knives that is as in China , a pair of rods is enough ,except for mashed potatoes !

For the monkey it is again necessary to wait ! Its momifiée language can only give you that salaces explanations :}