jueves, abril 24, 2008

Faith in God

Well, apparently that's what some idiotic priest from Brazil had. You may notice I phrased that in the past tense. Looking on the bright side, if he does believe in god, he should be talking to him right now.

Why? Because the 'poodle-brained-priest' in his infinite lack of wisdom decided to raise some money by attaching himself to hundreds of helium balloons. Now I don't know if he was pissed on communion wine or something but it's exactly the sort of half-baked idea I come up with I'm pissed.

In itself, it appears to be a plan concocted by Wile E Coyote and in reality, it ended in the same comical fashion.

Thus, Buzz Fuckwit duly got togged up in a silver jump suit, complete with parachute, crash helmet, GPS, a radio and the IQ of a retarded badger.

Once the people on the ground had let go of the ropes, he shot upwards at an alarming pace alledgedly screaming "Jesus Fucking Christ". Meanwhile, the people on the ground applauded merrily at the flying priest and his new prayer.

Several days later he disappeared from the radar and out of communication muttering something about wishing "they'd explained how the bloody GPS thing worked."

The latest news is that popped balloons are washing up along the coast of Brazil, but as yet no sightings of Buzz Fuckwit. Still, I'm sure that if there is a god he's far too busy to be popping balloons for the fun of it - I mean that would be plain silly.

viernes, abril 18, 2008

Gypsy Kings

Trust me - this is not going where you think it is ;-)

Having had my choice of concert to attend last time, and choosing Marilyn Manson (live in Paris), it was not my turn this time. Imagine the terror when I found out that it was to be a Symphony Orchestra.

Firstly, I have no issue with classical music but, attending a concert along with 500 or so very old people did not appeal to me in the slightest. I had visions of being stuck in a room full of old people telling me to 'Sssshhhh' at every given moment as they had their hearing aids turned up full blast.

Arriving at the venue did nothing to allay my fears. We got stuck in the equivalent of a sprint race for lavender-scented snails. Looking on the bright side I figured, the Grim Reaper should be working the door selecting people as they hobbled in - "and YOU can stay behind at the end" etc.

Once inside, we took our seats amongst what I could only describe as a PG Tips Tea Party. The Orchestra eventually wandered onto stage and started warming up.

Then they started playing - and bloody hell they were good. Firstly, yes they were playing classical music, but interspersed with Gypsy music given the aid of a 100 piece Orchestra.

The sense of enjoyment they were having at playing was contagious and then, when they started to encourage the audience to clap the beat in participation the room went wild.

Two and a half hours later, after several standing ovations, and three encores. The evening finally came to an end.

If you have to attend only one concert this year, you really should consider seeing The Budapest Gypsy Symphony Orchestra .

To put it quite simply - THEY ROCK

miércoles, abril 16, 2008

Pollution - What Is It Good For?

(Absolutely nothing - say it again)

Pollution - What Is It Good For?

China you should learn this before you entirely kill the planet, in a little 'kung-fu' type fashion and then complain that you couldn't see who won shit because of the bloody fog.

You have become the worst polluters on the planet, overtaking the United States Of A . . . (join the dots) for the first time in recorded history.

The 2008 Olympics are coming your way - but there might be a slight message for you in why no-one wants to be there - especially if they're from Tibet.

Congratulations - he said, in a supremely sarcastic Gothic way - because (and this is your fucking excuse, not me making the shit up for laughs) the official Chinese response to the Pollution Report is:

"There are more of us, and you in 'The West' started it"

Ooh, school playground tactics - well. my dad's bigger than yours (short-arsed twat) - AND, you invented gunpowder too and that wasn't such a brilliant fucking idea was it - apart from wanting to blow shit up for no reason?!

Do I get a BLACK MEDAL now?...

sábado, abril 12, 2008

The Gothic Helpdesk

Some American Idiot, in their infinite lack of wisdom, decided that people would gain wisdom by encountering 'the system' from a back to basics standpoint.

A) - Look 'empathy' up in the dictionary dude
B) - There is a very good reason I was taken off the Helpdesk originally
C) - I'm a Goth and if I don't want to do something, I'm not going to.....

However, in a 'Team USA' fashion I acquiesced (or should that be, in a Gothic way I proved a point?).

Call Number 1
Goth - "Helpdesk"
Nice Person - "Hi, I'm sorry to bother you but my computer is not doing what I want it to"
Goth - "No problemo, tell me what you want to do and I'll make it so, in a Jean-Luc fashion"
Nice Person - *burble, burble, burble*
Goth - "Try it now"
Nice Person - "Oh wonderful, it's working now - thankyou so much"
Goth - "No problemo - have a nice day"

Call Number 2
Goth - "Helpdesk"
Twat - "Hello. I'm really important in the company and my computer is not working"
Goth - "That's a shame"
Twat - "What do you mean it's a shame? Fix it now !!!"
Goth - "Try putting a nice person in front of it"
Twat - "I DEMAND that you fix it now"
Goth - "You fucked it up, fix it yourself" #dial tone#

Call Number 3
(bearing in mind I can see on caller display it's the same number)
Goth - "Hello, Trumpton Fire Station, who do you want Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuth.."
Twat - "I am very un.." #dial tone#

Call Number 4
(seconds later)
Goth - "Wun Hung Lo Chinese takeaway - you want 69 with sore finger?"
Twat - "This is not funny, I will .." #dial tone#

Call Number 5
Goth - "Helpdesk - pour Francais presse deux, Nederlands twee, Espagnol quattro - and if you're in Finance, FUCK OFF"
Twat - "I know who you are and this is not funny.."
Goth - "La La La - Not listening, not listening........."#dial tone#

At which point 'Team USA' took me off the Helpdesk, again.

Scheiss passiert !!

miércoles, abril 09, 2008

Team Building - My Arse

It would appear that having signed myself over to the 'corporate devil' eventually, I have to undergo an enforced 'team-building event'. The mere fact that they have to enforce the bloody thing rather indicates what a stupid idea it is.

Therefore, instead of doing the job I get paid for, I will have to listen to some muppet from the United States of Idiots explain some bullshit that they neither understand nor adhere to. Just because someone has read a book does not imply that they have understood it.

I will try desperately not to bring up Vietnam and how effective their strategy was there (in case you weren't aware, they fucked up big time).

Instead I will focus on - birds outside the window, or how I can tie 'Plastic' to 'Reaction' in a relatively coherrent post or maybe even, what the rest of the frogs do when the French have just eaten their legs.

How do you get out of something that is compulsory?
  • I thought about calling in sick (easy enough really) but that was too simplistic
  • I considered creating havoc, but that's not in my job description
  • I wondered if maybe I was being too negative, and that maybe living in peace and harmony would be good - and then I recalled that jesus got nailed to a tree for trying that one

So, I will turn up with a crate of beer, some nachos and a DVD of Team USA and see what happens.


However, if the esteemed professional advisor, at any time tries to get me to hug anyone, or join hands and sing 'Kumbaya' - they will get stapled to the first thing I find.

Unless you have a better suggestion

lunes, abril 07, 2008

The Drugs Don't Work

So spoketh some miserable twat called Richard whilst whingeing about some cat in a bloody bag or something. Well, sorry pal, but they most certainly do work and with somewhat unpredictable consequences - but hilarious to anyone watching.

Before you get on your high horses, I am not talking about heroin or cocaine or that sort of shite. What I refer to is some prescibed bollocks that Dr Do-little gave me. I recall very little about why he gave me these little Xanax tablets in the first place. I do however recall two pertinent observations:-

1) the recommended dosage is 2 tablets (by which, apparently he meant 2 bits of the 4 piece tablet, not 2 whole tablets)

2) Do not drink any alcohol at all - which is like asking a child not to open it's christmas presents early

Needless to say, I took 4 times the dosage and was then curious to know what happened if you mixed them with alcohol.

Five minutes later I had gone from sober to completely twatted without passing 'get merry' or anything. Furniture suddenly started becoming an obstacle I couldn't master, walls went wobbly and everything was as funny as fuck - even blood.

As I stood there teetering, a friend suggested I should sit down.

"I'm about to" I burbled "I'm just waiting for the next time the sofa passes me"

So there you have it - the drugs most certainly do bloody work.....

sábado, abril 05, 2008

Fuckwit Filter

Attracting freaks is a knack that I have possessed forever and too many years. It's not that I set out to attract the bastards - it just kind of happens.

I used to think it was because of my appearance but, it would appear the weirdos can find me over the phone, T'internet or even by snail-mail (when it regards bills).

To explain what I mean by freaks/weirdos, let me expand a little further (like a fat twat in a pie shop).

I can walk into a pub/bar full of people, purchase my pint of Jack Daniels or whatever, and stand at the bar cogitating about something and nothing.

Within minutes I will be approached by:-
  1. a freak on a leash offering to sell me drugs, or
  2. a wired weirdo wanting to buy drugs, or
  3. a suspicious character offering me the chance to make some money by nefarious means
Fortunately, my 'Fuckwit-Filter' kicks in and I explain that:-
  1. I don't need any thanks, I'm perfectly capable of talking bolllocks without the need of chemical stimulation
  2. Do I look like a pharmacist? No - they usually wear white coats not fuck-off long black coats
  3. Whilst I understand the fiscal benefits of importing Romanian women to give blow jobs for 50 cents whilst you charge 50 euros as their 'slime-manager' it is still a bullshit idea, and no, I am not afraid of you 'shit-for-brains' but thanks for asking.
The above all happened within the last 48 hours - and no, it was not the same person, it was three equally freakish fops apparently made from the same fragile mould.

Whilst the temptation to become Jean Claude Van Sprout (JG) and pluck their eyeballs from their head whilst decapitating their grandmother with a jumping side kick is appealing, I live in the real world. Therefore, I allow the Fuckwit-Filter to do the 'kicking in'.

"I'm sorry" I say whilst taking a non-too healthy drag on my cigarette "You must have me confused with someone that actually gives a fuck about whatever you're talking about"

*Weirdos and freaks wander off*

"See - I told you" - says Fuckwit Filter
"Indeed" - I reply
"And btw, I got rid of that shite by Coldplay on your Muppet3 that was a birthday present - I mean, it is fucking bollocks anyway so I replaced it with the new HIM album"

Hooray for Fuckwit-Filters.......

martes, abril 01, 2008

Napoleon Ozonolysis

Hmm, book 16 in my Encyclopeadia Brittanica collection is apparently a 'super-spy' or for want of a better phrase, an international man of mystery. Well, that's what it says on the cover anyway.

"Napoleon Ozonolysis - licensed to thrill - how are you Miss Funnyfanny?"

Obviously, I knew Napoleon (being the pig in Animal Farm) but the Ozzie thing was rather hampered by constant Black Sabbath tunes scooting around in my head - #"Finished with my woman coz she couldn't help me with my life....."#. chugga chugga

However, I finally got around to reading about Ozonolysis and quite frankly, it is as boring as shit. Simplistically, it involves mixing some crap with some other crap and then determining how saturated the compound becomes.

Great. So we have a small pig who completely fucked up invading Russia because it was winter (and they don't have proper winters in France) allied with pot-noodle chemistry.

What sort of super-spy is that?

It's like employing Stevie Wonder as a sniper and then wondering why everybody is dead.

It could be worse though - in a haphazard way. Napoleon could be a French dwarf wanting to conquer Russia because he heard there were steppes there (which are always handy if you want to change a light bulb or appear taller). Ozonolysis could be the study of erogenous zones of the planet in a 'green, stroking pandas' fashion.

#"People think I'm insane but you haven't even met my wife....."#. chugga chugga

Vote for the next book to get 'explained'

Sarsaparilla Sorcery
Lighting Maximilian
Plastic Reaction