In A Band Again

After a hiatus of many years I have decided to perform again. Probably not the wisest of ideas but who gives a fuck.

To explain - many years ago, I was in a rock band. Not a particularly successful rock band but good enough to play theatres, universities, etc.

We would have supported Oasis if the cnuts had turned up.

Anyhoots, I got a 'proper' job and the band spilt up. For many years, I resolutely refused to join a band again as I didn't want to spoil the memories.

Now - that time has passed - I'm back.

Whether this shit works or not is wholly irrelevant - I am back.

It will change absolutely nothing in the world - will not save Africa or be a hit on You Tubeless but, it's only Rock n Roll.

The dubious offers of sexual liasons may or may not reappear, but I will not give a fuck - been there, done that.

I will start a separate Band Blog though - weird shit happens when you are in a band.

Warming Up - Religiously

I really need to read the bible again - to remind myself of why I so enjoyed criticising it in the past.

For those of you that haven't read it, you should just for the incredible bollocks that it spouts.

I think I may have to have a regular Gothic Post, every Friday - just so that the religious nutters have time to polish their foreheads before getting twatted with Gothic wisdom.

Here are a few examples that were "borrowed" from another author:-

Leviticus (25:44) - states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations - cool, that''s Holland fucked

Leviticus (15: 19-24) - There can be no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus (1:9) - If you burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Leviticus (19:27) - Most men get their hair trimmed, even though this is expressly forbidden by . How should they die?

Leviticus (11:6-8) - claims that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I still play American football if I wear gloves?

Sorry religious type people - The Goth is back

The Gothic Helpdesk

Some American Idiot, in their infinite lack of wisdom, decided that people would gain wisdom by encountering 'the system' from a back to basics standpoint.

A) - Look 'empathy' up in the dictionary dude
B) - There is a very good reason I was taken off the Helpdesk originally
C) - I'm a Goth and if I don't want to do something, I'm not going to.....

However, in a 'Team USA' fashion I acquiesced (or should that be, in a Gothic way I proved a point?).

Call Number 1
Goth - "Helpdesk"
Nice Person - "Hi, I'm sorry to bother you but my computer is not doing what I want it to"
Goth - "No problemo, tell me what you want to do and I'll make it so, in a Jean-Luc fashion"
Nice Person - *burble, burble, burble*
Goth - "Try it now"
Nice Person - "Oh wonderful, it's working now - thankyou so much"
Goth - "No problemo - have a nice day"

Call Number 2
Goth - "Helpdesk"
Twat - "Hello. I'm really important in the company and my computer is not working"
Goth - "That's a shame"
Twat - "What do you mean it's a shame? Fix it now !!!"
Goth - "Try putting a nice person in front of it"
Twat - "I DEMAND that you fix it now"
Goth - "You fucked it up, fix it yourself" #dial tone#

Call Number 3
(bearing in mind I can see on caller display it's the same number)
Goth - "Hello, Trumpton Fire Station, who do you want Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuth.."
Twat - "I am very un.." #dial tone#

Call Number 4
(seconds later)
Goth - "Wun Hung Lo Chinese takeaway - you want 69 with sore finger?"
Twat - "This is not funny, I will .." #dial tone#

Call Number 5
Goth - "Helpdesk - pour Francais presse deux, Nederlands twee, Espagnol quattro - and if you're in Finance, FUCK OFF"
Twat - "I know who you are and this is not funny.."
Goth - "La La La - Not listening, not listening........."#dial tone#

At which point 'Team USA' took me off the Helpdesk, again.

Scheiss passiert !!

The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth Pt III

Arthur sat back in the deckchair, and sipped his Malibu cocktail as the two suns began to set over the sea. 'Well, if this is what it's like to be dead' he thought 'I can't see what anyone was worried about'. "3 billion to 1 against and dropping" a female voice announced from nowhere. Meanwhile, Goth was patiently waiting for Arthur to wake up and was busy reading some Nietsche - he knew there was no point in trying to work out what had happened. ONE second left to live and they'd been picked up by a spaceship. The odds of that occuring were so small that he didn't even know a word for something that miniscule.

Very soon, the female voice that announced what appeared to be odds (Goth had reasoned) said "20 to 1 against and falling" followed quite quickly by "Normality is resumed".

Arthur awoke with a start to see Goth sat opposite him, a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. 'I do wonder how Goth always manages to be in possession of these items' mused Arthur but said instead "Normality is resumed, but we're dead aren't we Goth?". Goth slowly shook his head, took a slug of Jack Daniels and offered the bottle to Arthur. "Erm, no thanks" replied Arthur - he remembered, relatively, what had happened, the last time he had drunk Jack Daniels and didn't want a repeat of that.

Goth blew a smoke ring which Arthur watched rise in the air and the repeated his question. Goth shook his head again - "Then where the bloody crikey are we?". "I think ... my little panicky friend" said Goth trying to phrase his statement in such a way as not to alarm Arthur (although he had a feeling, that probably wasn't really possible now). "I think ... " Goth paused for effect "that I have completely no bloody idea".

Just then the door opened and in walked a robot announcing in a deadpan voice "Well, I suppose you want to know where you are then?". 'What sort of a dumbass question is that?' thought Goth but said instead "Well, it would be rather helpful". The robot replied "Well, you know the thing about space is, it's really really big and...." Goth cut him off abrubtly "Look you sarcastic bastard, just tell us or take us to the captain of the ship". The robot looked down to where his toes would be, if he had any and said "Well, that is actually why I was sent here. Come on then, follow me" and turned to walk out of the room muttering "Here I am, brain the size of a planet and all I'm doing is fetching and carrying".

Goth had already decided he was going to ignore the robots sarcasm but he was eager to know who was in charge of this ship. If, he was correct, some rumour he had heard a while ago may well be true. Arthur just followed quietly, clutching his towel which he had found to be a surprisingly good comforter, especially after all that had happened recently.

The unlikely trio arrived at a doorway and the robot stopped. "We're here" announced the robot without any enthusiasm. The door opened and there stood a gorgeous platinum blonde who breezily came to greet them. "Hi" she said in a zingy, happy way "Welcome aboard. You were terribly lucky you know. I think we were running at about 45 billion to 1 against when we picked you up". Goth now knew which ship they were aboard and allowed himself a wry smile. Arthur hadn't got a clue where he was and quite frankly, was so past the point of caring, his brain didn't even know the way back.

"Goth Perfect" announced Goth and tipping his hat he bowed and kissed the womans hand in one sweeping move. "And the somewhat bemused fellow behind me is Arthur Bent". "Oh", said the woman blushing slightly "I'm Honey Allover". "I'm sure you are" said Goth in an appreciate voice making her blush even further "Your ship?" he inquired. "Oh no it's...." - before she could complete the sentence the door opened and a voice boomed "Honey, I'm home" followed by a slightly different voice "WE'RE home".

Arthur stood there with an open mouth before stammering "B b b but you've got two heads !!!". Unfortunately for Arthur, Arthur was the only one at all interested in this statement.

"Zed" declared Goth - "Goth is that you bro? - Zounders ! ! " and the two embraced like brothers, which by a quirk of fate they very nearly were. "How fucking improbable is that dude !" announced Zed rather than asking it. "Zed, sorry, Zaphod Beeblegoth, this is Arthur Bent". "So you came his with the King of Cool, the God of Fuck, the....well" both of Zaphods heads looked at each other for inspiration "My Bro?". Arthur just nodded meekly. This was all far too much for one day. He took the bottle of JD from Goths hand and took a deep swig.

"And this" said Zed, spreading all three arms in a 360 degree motion, "THIS is my ship - The Heart of Goth". "Powered by the Improbability Drive" interrupted Goth. "You bet your overactive chuds it is" said Zed "and this mother-fucker ROCKS. Come on I'll show you around. Honey, can you sort Fart out with a with a drink? He looks like he needs it".

Honey went to get the drinks but already her mind was racing 'God of Fuck - wow, am I going to find out why he got that name or what'. She'd felt a tingle when she first met Goth but now, the juices were really flowing. When they'd finished she handed a glass to Arthur and walked off to do more interesting things.

*to be continued*

The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth Pt II

When Arthur came around he was aware of Goth mopping his forehead with a towel, and vaguely aware of what he had seen appear in the doorway. "Please tell me that wasn't an Octopus" pleaded Arthur. "OK, it wan't an Octopus" said Goth Perfect in a calm and reassuring way, which didn't really work as Arthur was far from reassured and at least 3 tube stations from calm on the Mental Line.

"Would you like a nice cup of tea Sir?" asked the Octopus standing behind Arthur. Arthur spun around and promptly fainted again. Once Goth and the Octopus had revived Arthur, Goth tried to explain the situation. "Look beyond the tentacles, and hands, and myriad of eyes and..." Goth paused "Look, he's on our side but we have a bit of a problem".

"Bit of a problem?" screeched Arthur "There's a bloody talking Octopus here - I just want to go home". He sank back exhausted from the effort. "That might be a bit tricky" said Goth warily "And, we have a meeting first, with the Emperor". Arthur curled up in a ball and meekly asked "Which Emperor?"

"Ooo, ooo me, me" said the Octopus holding up six arms/tentacles - "You're going to see the Vegan Emperor, Pea McCartney.... but he's not very happy with your planet"

"Indeed" said Goth Perfect "We may have a few problems here". "Anyway - we have to go before we get our friend here into trouble". Just as they were preparing to leave, the Carrot Police arrived, got out their carrot sticks and arrested Goth and Arthur for cruelty to vegetables. Then they were taken to be interrogated by the Emperor, sitting on his holy bag of compost. On the end of a chain, which the Emperor was holding, was a small creature waving a daffodil at Goth and Arthur saying "Meat is murder, meat is murder!".

The Emperor yanked on the chain - "Shut up Morris Pea" warbled the Emperor (who'd been known to sing the odd ditty or two). It was the most hideous sound Arthur had heard. "But I wrote this one myself - I'm sure you'd like to hear it" proclaimed the Emperor "Scrambled eggs.... do dee do dee doo dee do dee do". There was a vacant pause whilst Goth and Arthur struggled for something to say before the Emperor continued "But, I haven't quite finished the lyrics yet".

Before Goth had a chance to stop him, Arthur stepped forward and asked "Can I go back now? I promise to speak to no-one about this". Goth held his breath - he knew Vegans were most displeased at anyone leaving or coming early of one of their recitals.

"Speak to Yono?" shouted the Emperor in a very angry voice "Right, that's the end of the world as you know it, and I feel fine" and pressed the button on the Liquidizer. Goth just bowed his head as Arthur watched everything he knew get turned into mush.

Once things had smoothied out, the Emperor turned to his Carrot Police and said "Eject them". 'Tremend-arse' thought Goth, 'Now we're really in deep shit nine'. Goth Perfect and Arthur Dent were marched to a small room and locked inside."This isn't so bad" said Arthur "I mean, the pastel shades are quite fetching in a way really". "Well, we're up the shitter this time my ex-gay friend" said Goth, "When they open the door, we will shoot off into space and die within 30 seconds unless the God of Fuck intervenes".

'Die' thought Arthur, 'isn't that a bad thing?' but before he could think any further, the door opened and Goth and Arthur were jettisoned into space. The last thing Arthur could remember was counting down, or was it up, to what he knew was the end of life as he knew it.

'27....28...29...'

*to be continued*

The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth

(*Note* - this is a rip-off of ideas from the genius of Douglas Adams whose brilliance shaped my past, present & future - Goth Bless Sir - and if you have never read THGTTG - a pox on you all)

"Grab a packet of peanuts, quick" Goth Perfect instructed his friend and now decidedly less camp, Arthur Bent. Arthur was confused and a little drunk. He had imbibed, well, rather gulped, the 5 Jack Daniels purchased by Goth and was feeling warm and fuzzy - he didn't want to leave yet. However, Arthur knew better than to argue with Goth. Since Goth had come into his life, he was a changed man. No more listening to Erasure and shaking his booty, no more dancing in a tutu whilst listening to Dancing Queen.

Now, thanks to Goth's influence, Arthur wore skin-tight leather trousers, a satin shirt of blood red and the pointiest black leather boots he had ever seen. No longer was he at the bottom in his gay relationships. Arthur had developed style, grown his hair and was obsessed with the work of the Pre-Raphaelites. The sea-change in his life was there for all to see. Arthur was still marvelling at these changes when he was disturbed by Goth.

"We have to go, now" said Goth "The Vegans are coming and when they arrive, they will fuck everything up." "What's a Vegan?" enquired Arthur rather nervously - "Look" explained Goth patiently "They're green, they're pasty looking and even Vegetarians quiver with fear when they see the Vegan 'can't do list'."

Arthur tightened his grip on the towel he was carrying as he'd thought they were going to the beach. "What are we going to do?" pleaded Arthur "I like my meat, like I like my men". Goth Perfect paused but resisted the obvious line next, instead he said in a calm voice "Simplistically, we're going to get the fuck out of here, and fast". With that, Goth pulled out his little black book of dates. Emblazonned on the back, in gold, were the words 'When I'm God, Everyone Dies' - Arthur gulped down another JD and tried not to panic.

Goth Perfect then did the strangest thing Arthur Bent had ever seen (so far, that day) - he tied his hair back in a ponytail and said "Let's get ready to rock". "B b but - you never tie your hair back" stammerred Arthur. "You would be well advised to do the same my little Gothic apprentice" said Goth "Arriving on a strange spaceship looking fuzzy is never a good move". This was too much information for Arthur, he ordered a double JD and sank it in one gulp "We're going on a.. a ... shacespit?" burbled Arthur, more to himself than anyone else "How shucking fool is that?".

Arthur had just managed to tie his hair back when everything became blurred 'Oh fuck' thought Arthur 'I'm definitely going to blow chunks this time, and I bet there's some of those bloody carrots in it'. Fortunately for Arthur, events were about to occur that would make him completely forget about hurling. The pub morphed into a beach and as elephants in tutus performed Dumbo Lake, Arthur sat back and enjoyed the trip.

As the elephants changed shape and became armadillos on roller skates a loud voice announced "Cool - that's a bit trippy isn't it". Arthur tried to nod but when he looked down he saw that he was wearing a white suit. 'Fucking great' he thought 'All that effort to look cool and now I look like a sailor in the navy - I could sail the seven seas'. Meanwhile, Goth Perfect was nonchalantly leaning against a bar that, well, Arthur was sure wasn't there a minute ago, humming a tune that Arthur sort of recognised but couldn't quite place, but Goth Perfect was still looking the epitome of cool.

There was a feeling of braking, like a train coming to an emergency stop and then all the visions disappeared. Goth Perfect was still there, looking, well, damn perfect. Arthur's clothes had returned to normal but he felt the most almighty hangover was just lurking in the background waiting to pounce and play a drum solo in his head.

With a swooshing sound, an opening in the plain white wall appeared, and in this doorway stood something that Arthur could not put a name to, mainly because he didn't know what it was.... 'Oh fucking hell' he thought and fainted ....

*to be continued*

History of Rome - the Best Bits and The Last Bits

By now, Rome was the biggest city in the world and strange things started happening. The Bishop of Rome changed his name to the pope - pontificating twat - and the people of the city thought they were the best in the world. Obviously, this really pissed off the rest of the world - a bit like Bushy Twats america do now. People were not going to stand for this behaviour, some were lying down smoking joints saying "oh man, this like totally sucks dude".

First the Visigoths turned up. The Senate thought they had the situation in hand and so produced some pagan sacrifices. Even his dodgy popeness had agreed with this idea which was strange as it was against everything someone in his position should be advocating. The Goths just looked at the Romans, tutted, lit up a few spliffs and sacked the city (as in stole the best stuff, not fired the city, well they did set fire to some of it, but only the shit bits).

The people in the city panicked - they were used to shiny outfits and nice haircuts made by putting a bowl on your head and cutting round the rim - known as the 'bell-end' look. To see this hoard of long haired people all dressed in black terriffied them, so they did the Teletubbie thing and ran away.

The 'Temple of Romulus and Remus' was renamed the 'Basilica of Cosmas and Damian' because it sounded far more Gothic, and they didn't want to call it 'Grrrr' either. The 'Temple of All Gods' became the 'Church of All Martyrs' because that also had a far darker ring to it. But peace couldn't reign - the Visigoths were into the more melodic Goth sound whereas the Ostrogoths were convinced the roots of death metal should pervade. Once again fighting broke out and this became known as the Gothic Wars.

Yes, you read it right, THE GOTHIC WARS - how fucking cool is that. Simplistically, the Goths were pissed off, the 'bell-ends' had all run away crying to their mums and there were no Robert Smith sounds to placate the disparate Goths.

Eventually though, the wars ended as various Goths got married and had children and lots moved away from Italy because it had looked good in the brochures but the reality was too much pasta, not enough decent wine and a general lack of any decent music at all.

Meanwhile, in the Fatty-Can (oh yeah, they renamed it Vatican) the black look had caught on. Nuns were invented to walk around in black reciting poetry for no reason, fat priests were employed to talk bollocks, well mainly about their own bollocks and what they wanted to do with them, and the pope got a balcony - because he liked pigeons...and shit, well, maybe pigeon shit. Anyway, all traces of Goth were wiped away from the Infernal city and so they renamed it the Eternal city.

By the mid-thirteenth century, the people had got bored of pasta and so appointed Bolognese as the Senator and said "For fucks sake, do something with this pasta will you?" and he did, and it was good. As per usual, someone was not happy and said "But my bottys smelly" and someone else said "I know him, he paints ceilings and stuff" and so Bottysmelly came and painted the ceiling of the chapel, which took him a long time because he had a really small brush.

They invited new and exciting bands like Michael and the Angelos to come and perform, which everyone thought was a really stupid idea but all the Goths had left and they could have seen the potential of one. But Michael knew what he was doing and did lots of really funky shit which spaced people out. Then word got through to Spain and Phillip the second took over because Phillip the first was busy, or dead or something.

*note - told you it was the best bits - Spanish & Goth - Hoozah!!!!*

After that it all went down seven hills really.

Here endeth the History of Rome