Warming Up - Religiously

I really need to read the bible again - to remind myself of why I so enjoyed criticising it in the past.

For those of you that haven't read it, you should just for the incredible bollocks that it spouts.

I think I may have to have a regular Gothic Post, every Friday - just so that the religious nutters have time to polish their foreheads before getting twatted with Gothic wisdom.

Here are a few examples that were "borrowed" from another author:-

Leviticus (25:44) - states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations - cool, that''s Holland fucked

Leviticus (15: 19-24) - There can be no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus (1:9) - If you burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord. The problem is, my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Leviticus (19:27) - Most men get their hair trimmed, even though this is expressly forbidden by . How should they die?

Leviticus (11:6-8) - claims that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but can I still play American football if I wear gloves?

Sorry religious type people - The Goth is back

The Power Of Language

Once upon, all people spoke the same language - they all said "Ug" and other grunty type words. But it couldn't last, and according to the bible (that handy reference book of nonsense):-

'The people decided to build a tower to the heavens'

(which they had to do properly as Lego wasn't invented then). And then comes the good bit:-

'The Lord came down to see the city and it's tower'

(now, excuse me, but if god is omnipresent, why does he feel the need to travel anywhere - he's already bloody there by definition)

Anyway, god got pissed off because it wasn't part of his plan at all. So he made them speak different languages and so they called the city Babel, because they couldn't agree on the spelling of 'babble'.

Thus all the people moved around the world, but not in a balloon as they hadn't been invented either. But the people were cunning and decided to name their languages after their countries and so the French spoke French, because their country was called France etc.

The next bit of the bible probably got relagated to The Apocrypha but I'm fairly sure that the bearded one said "Right, I need some religious wars to teach these bastards that I'm the clever one"

Finally, one person decided to invent a universal language, which he called Esperanto. God was mightily pissed off about this and thus shot him up the arse with a lightning bolt and he died.

In the end, god just moped on his thrown muttering to his angels "I gave them Hebrew, what more do they bloody want"

When an angel replied "well, they might like Latin for naming flowers and stuff"

At which point, god stormed off in a huff - before realising that he couldn't as he was ominpresent.....

More Religious Bullshit

Oh goody - more religious piffle to talk about. I was starting to get concerned that I was being slighty unfair to the bearded ones and their little book of nonsense. Although, to be fair it is a complete crock of shit (in my opinion).

Then, lo and behold, I have discovered more religious meanderings of the mind, in a different religious text.

Now this one, is from a completely different religion, but is also full of the most insane nonsense. In fact, if it is possible, is slightly even more insane. At least with the bible, my biggest criticism, apart from the inaccuracies, is the way that is interpreted. This new (to me) text, doesn't leave you in any doubt as to the fact that the authors are as mad as a bag of squirrels on acid.

So, the question is, to which text am I referring? Firstly, it is not a new text, as in not one of the New Scientology type religions (stick to novels Hubbard !). Should I tell you what it is, or just plough straight in?

Hee, hee - the evil side of me says let them guess.

1 point for the religion
5 points for the title of the text

Bonus 10 points if you get both

(and, it is freely available on the internet)

Guess away...

Three Not So Wise Men

A long time, in a galaxy far away, lived three wise men. Well, sort of. Firstly, they weren't so wise at all and spent most of their time completely stoned staring at the stars. "Dude, that totally looks like a giraffe" said one "No way dude, it's a camel" said another and the third one just spluttered out a cough as he had inhaled too deeply.

At some point, one of them claimed to have received a message from god, which is obviously completely ridiculous as mobile phones weren't even invented then. "The big man says we have to follow the shining light and we will see the son of god" said Bob the Not-so-Wise. "Oh fucking hell" said Arthur-the-Slightly-Idiotic "I bet that means we have to take presents and everything". "Guys" exclaimed Dylan-the-Retard "I think I can see the camel now" and took another long drag on the monster spliff they had been sharing.

So the three not so wise men arranged some taxis, which were actually camels as the car hadn't been invented then, loaded up their presents, and some clean underwear and some biscuits in case they got the munchies.

"Wait" said Bob, who was probably the wisest of the three "What are you guys taking as presents? I mean we totally don't want to piss god off - he might set fire to our beards or anything. I'm taking gold". "Aha" said Arthur "Well I've got this francincense stuff which is totally in fashion at the moment". "What's that?" asked Dylan to which Arthur could only reply "Er, I don't actually know but have a whiff" and thus the other two inhaled deeply.

Finally, it was Dylan's turn to reveal his gift to the son of god. "It's myrrh" he proudly exclaimed "I haven't got a clue what it is but Ali Baba at the all-night cave convinced me it was the dogs bollocks".

Once they had loaded everything on the camels, they set off to follow the shining light. Within hours they were completely lost and had to ask a passing merchant for help. They explained about their mission and following the light to which the merchant replied "That's the moon you idiots. The son of god is that way, just follow the signs for Messiah".

A few days later the three not-so-wise men arrived at the cosy little shed where the baby jesus was busy making halos around the animals heads. They presented their gifts to the grateful parents and explained that the child would become famous and lead mankind to a glorious future of peace and love. But first they explained that the family must flee the land as the evil nutter Herod was going to kill all the children.

After they left they stopped off for another spliff and as they sat around the fire, they marvelled as little sparks danced around. "Dude" said Bob the Not-so-Wise to Dylan "We should be proud that we have saved the son of god with our wise words and warnings" "Indeed." said Arthur "And Dylan you remembered the bit about the romans and the crucifixtion" to which Dylan-the-Retard inhaled really deeply before replying "Shit, I totally forgot about that bit".

The Ten Plagues

So according to the Big Book Of Bullshit, there were TEN plagues visited upon Man but they all happened in Exodus, which is another word for leaving, so if you were going on holiday or something, it didn't actually matter. If we are to believe what the men in beards said, the plagues happened in this order... blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and then death - which is pretty much how the NHS in the UK operates today.

Goth will explain the plagues, as he doesn't have a beard and has no need of Man to worship him:-

Blood - This was when the vampires turned up but it was ok if you were female as it only occurred once every 28 days until you became old and senile, or had garlic.

Frogs - and god created the Muppet Show and appointed Kermit to rule the world but he couldn't as he was just a fucking puppet and Man said "But you've got your hand up his bum - that's not scary, well apart from the hand up the bum bit", and thus god had to go and invent another plague like..

Lice - which invaded Man's hair, until Man invented shampoo and then all the lice said "oh bollocks" and thus they went.

'I know', thought god in an omnipotent way, 'I'll send a plague of...'

Flies - who thought they were clever and buzzed around until spiders appeared and then they exclaimed "Buzzing hell - look out for the web Blue, aw too fucking late" but by then Man had invented hairspray which stopped the fly's wings from working and they fell out of the air and Man stomped on them with a satisfying squidge.

Pestilence - an interesting theory which was basically a 'get-out' clause for the men with beards - "Ha ha" they said "No one will notice that this is actually all plagues and we will send rats and they will - fucking hell Dave Beardo, the bastard's had away with the cheese".

'Useless twats' thought god and so he created...

Boils - "Ah" protested Man "But Woman may not like me and then we won't procreate?" and the god said "Shit, I don't know" and thus the boils were prevented and some spotty dermatologist invented Clearasil and all boils were banished to the bottoms of trainspotters.

Next god decided to piss around with the weather and so he sent a plague of..

Hail - "Watch me make Man run and duck for cover" said god to the men with beards, "I have invented bouncing snow and it's hard as fuck" but Man had discovered caves and he just laughed whilst sitting around the fire, roasting marshmallows and saying "Crikey, it's bouncing down out there"

'Right', thought god, 'Now you're going to get it' and he sent ..

Locusts - That will eat everything and leave nothing left, but Man had invented the fridge and as the locusts didn't have the correct combination, they couldn't get in and they all died and were made into marmalade.

Darkness - Thus god resorted to darkness and so he banned all the little lights in the fridge and torches and batteries and electricity and anything else that made light but Man just said "Wow, I'm sleepy now missus, let's get under the bearskin and friggy-diggy" and woman said "OK - as the Vampires are not back for a few weeks".

"That is bloody it !" shouted god and got on his big white telephone and called his other half..

Death - "Hiya god" said Death "What do you need now?" - "I need you to do some reaping, me old mucker" replied god, explaining the Plague Syndrome to Death. "Doesn't that defeat the object?" asked Death. "Just bloody do it" replied god and thus created his own slogan.

AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

Jonah and The Bloody Big Fish

So firstly, there was a prophet called Jonah and he was so good at telling stories that the men with big beards even gave him his own book in the bible. Granted it was only 2 pages long but it's not that interesting a story really. Through time, this has become known as the Tale of Jonah and The Whale which is silly because a whale is not a fish, it's a mammal and they eat things like plankton which are really small and so it couldn't have eaten Jonah unless he was a small prophet.

Anyway, Jonah was wandering around preaching and saying how bloody great god was and he was really popular and spent a lot of time giving autographs. God spoke to him and told him that he had to go to a great city called Nineveh and so Jonah, being curious asked why. When god explained what a bad lot of people they were and how sinful they were Jonah said

"Fuck that for a game of soldiers, they might kill me or anything" and so Jonah stole away on a ship to escape.

However, by now, god had finished his lunch and saw what Jonah was doing and so he farted and a big storm erupted in the sea, a bit like a god-like jacussi thing. All of the sailors were really frightened and started throwing things overboard in case they had an unlucky item on board. Unfortunately, after they had tossed everything over the side, the storm had not ceased and so they started accusing each other of being the evil one.

Eventually, Jonah got bored of this and feeling a little bit guilty anyway said "Alright lads, my fuck-up" and proceeded to explain how he'd pissed god off by not going to save the city. The sailors listened in awe and some smart arse at the back said "Chuck him overboard" but Jonah had already volunteered as he could swim really well anyway.

"But can I walk the plank?" asked Jonah "It will look really good in the pictures in the bible" but the sailors had already decided to throw him overboard and they'd thrown the plank away earlier. Thus Jonah got lobbed over the side and the sea became calm immediately.

At this point, a bloody big fish (that was NOT a whale) swallowed Jonah and he spent three days inside the fish trying to tickle it but he couldn't find the funny bone. God decided that Jonah had learned his lesson and forced the fish to spit Jonah onto the land. The people on the beach were drinking Hebrew cocktails and as Jonah flew overhead they said "Wow, you don't see that every day - another one please waiter" and so Jonah became known as Fishman.(a bit like Batman but without the cool gadgets)

Fishman, who obviously smelt a lot like fish now, went to the city and converted everyone from evil to good, just so that they could get rid of the smell really. Even the king said "Bloody hell, these robes smell of fish" and so exchanged them for a sack and god thought it was an act of pennace.

Jonah however had nowhere to live and so he went outside the city and built a small hobbit hut which he called Fish End and lived there whingeing about the fishy smell. So god created a palm tree so that Jonah could make coconut shampoo and coconut soap and get rid of the smell of fish.

*Vote for next weeks Gothic bible story - a) King Solomon, b) Daniel and the Lion or c) The Ten Plagues - 2*

ps would have done one of those vote things but I can't be arsed - exit only see !!

Welcome to Apocrypha

For those of you that don't know, it is derived from a Greek word meaning 'hidden (things, usually texts)'. It sometimes referred to writings that should remain hidden from the general public for fear they may cause a general panic.

So guess which monkeys decided to use the same concept? Oh yes, it's also a book in the Bible. Effectively it contains some of the explanations of previous books before someone explained that you could issue a revised edition, deleting the bits that didn't make sense (along the line of man existing from day 1 and apparently dinosaurs existing million of years earlier).

According to Apocrypha, dinosaurs did exist but the men with big beards just described them as big lizards as in "Forsooth Daniel, that's a big fucking lizard" to which Daniel replied "Yes, but it is still one of gods creatures, and it appears to have a really big thorn in it's foot. Wait here while I go and help it".

Carbon dating is in there too - under the 'false claims that man might make in the pursuit of science' section, which is kind of impressive unless the writers were blessed with precognitive powers, or they just issued a revised edition in a hurry.

The Nephilim got moved too, as the bearded scribes sat there and thought 'a race of mythical giants who are indeed angels coming to have sex with puny humans - come on Esau, no fuckers going to believe that'.

Persians - all references to them had to get shifted to the book "Look, it's fucking obvious they were here before us, quick, stick them in the Apocrypha".

Ezra had a particularly miserable time of it as he actually started thinking about things and asking questions like, "Well, if god made Adam and he was the first man then why is there all these skeletons of other people all over the place?". 'Oh bollocks' thought the scribes but one of them had a really good idea and said "We'll move his contribution to Apocrypha and claim that they were visions and everyone will just assume he was as mad as a bag of squirrels".

Lots of bearded scribes nodded in agreement and the table filled with food. "Aha - it is a miracle" said one bearded twit, "Don't be so bloody stupid" replied another "That's just the stuff that was stuck in our beards".

And thus, the scribes did a spot check and also decided to move Tobit, Judith and Esthers ramblings into the Apocrypha - in fact, not even Solomon got away without being included but that was hs own fault for building a funky temple without getting planning permission.

Not to worry though as my version of the bible will not have an Apocrypha as I have nothing to hide - so there....