lunes, agosto 13, 2007

Welcome to Apocrypha

For those of you that don't know, it is derived from a Greek word meaning 'hidden (things, usually texts)'. It sometimes referred to writings that should remain hidden from the general public for fear they may cause a general panic.

So guess which monkeys decided to use the same concept? Oh yes, it's also a book in the Bible. Effectively it contains some of the explanations of previous books before someone explained that you could issue a revised edition, deleting the bits that didn't make sense (along the line of man existing from day 1 and apparently dinosaurs existing million of years earlier).

According to Apocrypha, dinosaurs did exist but the men with big beards just described them as big lizards as in "Forsooth Daniel, that's a big fucking lizard" to which Daniel replied "Yes, but it is still one of gods creatures, and it appears to have a really big thorn in it's foot. Wait here while I go and help it".

Carbon dating is in there too - under the 'false claims that man might make in the pursuit of science' section, which is kind of impressive unless the writers were blessed with precognitive powers, or they just issued a revised edition in a hurry.

The Nephilim got moved too, as the bearded scribes sat there and thought 'a race of mythical giants who are indeed angels coming to have sex with puny humans - come on Esau, no fuckers going to believe that'.

Persians - all references to them had to get shifted to the book "Look, it's fucking obvious they were here before us, quick, stick them in the Apocrypha".

Ezra had a particularly miserable time of it as he actually started thinking about things and asking questions like, "Well, if god made Adam and he was the first man then why is there all these skeletons of other people all over the place?". 'Oh bollocks' thought the scribes but one of them had a really good idea and said "We'll move his contribution to Apocrypha and claim that they were visions and everyone will just assume he was as mad as a bag of squirrels".

Lots of bearded scribes nodded in agreement and the table filled with food. "Aha - it is a miracle" said one bearded twit, "Don't be so bloody stupid" replied another "That's just the stuff that was stuck in our beards".

And thus, the scribes did a spot check and also decided to move Tobit, Judith and Esthers ramblings into the Apocrypha - in fact, not even Solomon got away without being included but that was hs own fault for building a funky temple without getting planning permission.

Not to worry though as my version of the bible will not have an Apocrypha as I have nothing to hide - so there....

10 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Just "derived"?? You may have nothing to hide but your version of the bible would certainly cause a general panic and I'm sure looking forward to it.

SusannahS dijo...

I'm still ticked that Lillith was cut from the big book. The world's first feminist and they leave her on the cutting room floor.

john.g. dijo...

I go along with your bible (the other one's wank).
PS, put me on your side bar you tight arsed goth! That is all!

Sewmouse dijo...

Being as I am the somewhat pagan sister of St. Paul the Lutheran Minister, I must say that I do find your version of the "scriptures" far more believable and much more entertaining - and thus far, no long lists of "begats".

Two thumbs up

SpanishGoth dijo...

Minky -> Think more of a will, rather than a would - it's a work in progress

Sussanh -> but according to the muppet show, Eve was first and it was all her fault...

JG -> it's coming together and I will add a link later today

Sewmouse -> I'm all for 'begatting' but then again, I also think that condoms are jolly useful items so one can practice the first part, without getting the second part

Dip-Dop-Crabtree dijo...

The Apocrypha Jews

Pseudépigraphes! Can we study them as part of the Christian inheritance? The first Christians continued to copy out them and to pass on them up to the Middle Ages. What custom did they make it? Wills of twelve patriarches is a paper pseudépigraphique say, talk sent by each from the patriarches of twelve tribes of Israel to his sons ??

That say" Les manuscrits De La Mer Morte " ??

And why Israel was so afraid of it??
Did ' act of a list of occult committee?
Or of recipes?

Laura dijo...

I just like the idea of saying "Hell, that's a big fuckin' lizard"

Tom Joad dijo...

The Nephilim got moved? I saw them in Bromley years ago. Heard they still tour, too.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Dip-Dop -> that's the thing, no-one can decide on the proper version of events, so they keep making shit up

Laura -> I think they said the same in Jurassic Park too

Tom -> They do indeed but with a changed name, McCoy took the Nephilim and changed it to Nefilim and the remainder of the band became Rubicon

phoenix dijo...

You've always known I prefer your version of the chinese whispers book.look forward to more

ps My ex is also an expert on hidden texts,but maybe that's a different sort?