Being a Vampire is a vocation, a calling, a thirst even - and I like it, so bloody what?! The hours suit me - none of that pissing around at the crack of dawn, although I'm sure Dawn is very tempting.
Anyway, the Vampire clothes are very fitting too, in a rather Gothic fashion. You should see a Vampire in the shops.....
"Mmmm black, suits you sir - will you be wanting the coffin to go with that?"
"I have lived amongst the undead for 300 years"
"Perhaps Sir will be interested in our Frequent Undead card then - 40% discount on all purchases before dawn".
"Fuck off, I'm a Vampire and....... oh, does the cape come for free?"
*Sorry, got distracted by a concubine trying on a new bosom-lifting dress.*
Anyway, Sunday is a special day for Vampires as the cattle go to church - it's like a drive-through takeaway. None of the bullshit about having to get up and buy the paper -
"Fuck off, I'm a Vampire !!"
"But you'll miss the best part of the day"
"No I fucking won't as I won't be there - ha, look I'm a bat, or a wolf or some mysterious mist".
There are some down sides to being a Vampire though....
Sex - As a Vampire you can't have sex, ever - which is a bit of a pisser, in a non-golden showers sort of way.
Mirrors - "Bollocks, my eyeliner isn't on straight is it? I can't see a fucking thing".
Dentists - real pain in the fucking neck - bastards from hell with little mirrors and stuff.
Garlic - not good for Vampires, but it should be as you can't prepare a decent pasta dish without it.
Crucifixes - "Oh look isn't that cute, it's the image of christ, sort of, nailed to a tree - gaaaarrrggh
Holy water - What the fuck is holy about water anyway? Wodka to go, please barman.
Stakes - they give Vampires such heartburn which is a shame as it's rare, bloody rare, to get one just done right.
Other than that, it's a fucking hoot being a Vampire, well, until that Van Helsing muppet turns up. Sanctimonious prick.
"I'm on a mission from god - I will send you to the abyss from whence thou came"
"It's behind you!!"
*changes into a bat and flutters off into the night sky, laughing*