lunes, agosto 27, 2007

Vampire Time

Being a Vampire is a vocation, a calling, a thirst even - and I like it, so bloody what?! The hours suit me - none of that pissing around at the crack of dawn, although I'm sure Dawn is very tempting.

Anyway, the Vampire clothes are very fitting too, in a rather Gothic fashion. You should see a Vampire in the shops.....

"Mmmm black, suits you sir - will you be wanting the coffin to go with that?"

"I have lived amongst the undead for 300 years"

"Perhaps Sir will be interested in our Frequent Undead card then - 40% discount on all purchases before dawn".

"Fuck off, I'm a Vampire and....... oh, does the cape come for free?"

*Sorry, got distracted by a concubine trying on a new bosom-lifting dress.*

Anyway, Sunday is a special day for Vampires as the cattle go to church - it's like a drive-through takeaway. None of the bullshit about having to get up and buy the paper -

"Fuck off, I'm a Vampire !!"

"But you'll miss the best part of the day"

"No I fucking won't as I won't be there - ha, look I'm a bat, or a wolf or some mysterious mist".

There are some down sides to being a Vampire though....

Sex - As a Vampire you can't have sex, ever - which is a bit of a pisser, in a non-golden showers sort of way.

Mirrors - "Bollocks, my eyeliner isn't on straight is it? I can't see a fucking thing".

Dentists - real pain in the fucking neck - bastards from hell with little mirrors and stuff.

Garlic - not good for Vampires, but it should be as you can't prepare a decent pasta dish without it.

Crucifixes - "Oh look isn't that cute, it's the image of christ, sort of, nailed to a tree - gaaaarrrggh

Holy water - What the fuck is holy about water anyway? Wodka to go, please barman.

Stakes - they give Vampires such heartburn which is a shame as it's rare, bloody rare, to get one just done right.

Other than that, it's a fucking hoot being a Vampire, well, until that Van Helsing muppet turns up. Sanctimonious prick.

"I'm on a mission from god - I will send you to the abyss from whence thou came"

"It's behind you!!"

*changes into a bat and flutters off into the night sky, laughing*

12 comentarios:

yorlor dijo...

why can't vampires partake in the old in-and-out, lovey? that one is news to me...

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Vampires can't have sex? Or is it that they just prefer biting? I'm pretty sure Christopher Lee bit a girl's breasts once.

Tom Joad dijo...

Doesn't seem much point - yeah, you get to stay up all night but no giggity? I think I'll pass.

Tippler dijo...

Looks like the crack o' Dawn is definitely out, then.

john.g. dijo...

Can't have sex? Wanker then?!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Yorlor -> always been the case unfortunately

GB -> something to do with unrequited love I think but generally they avoid the love cushions and go for the neck

Tom -> I know, it would be far from ideal

Tippler -> glad you spotted that one

JG -> don't think so, just think frustrated

Drama Queen dijo...

Oh before you went all NO SEX on us it sounded like fun. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

I can always make an exception for you DQ ;-)

Tippler dijo...

Is she a slapper or is it just me?

Do NOT answer that. Either of you. :-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tippler -> you're just jealous you auld bastard

Ladyred dijo...

I was under the impression they can do the motions of sex, but just don't get the enjoyment out of it and don't have the old climax like us regular folk do. Guess it depends on who you read.

Black's always good. Just about anyone looks good in black. I can go without the mirrors. But not the garlic. I love garlic.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Ladyread -> I'm hanging my black clothes on the end of the bed - so keen am I to learn 'the motions of sex'