jueves, agosto 23, 2007

Highway to Hell

So I've been thinking about this and, assuming that the heaven type place is in an upwardly direction, and involves climbing ladders and tricky stuff like that, and hell is in the opposite direction and more prone to the laws of gravity, then AC/DC were right after all, the road to hell is a highway.

It will be a highway full of gas guzzling cars travelling at breakneck speed with rock music blasting out of their stereos. Along the way will be Diners serving cholesterol laden burgers, as much beer as you can drink and with pretty young things offering all sorts of dubious 'goodies' for free. Bonus points will be added for squashing old pedestrians on the way, with double the points for splatting any speed cops trying to spoil the fun.

It's not really that much of a surprise why the highest selling video games are things like Grand Theft Auto instead of Converting the Sinners. What a fucking boring game that must be. You wander around Springfield town, bible in hand knocking on doors with your trusty crucifix as a weapon.

"Do you believe in..." *SLAM* - "Oh, that'll be a no then" - onto the next singing hymns on the way with bonus points for working out what the fuck they are talking about.

Meanwhile, back on the Highway to Hell, everyone's having a riot of a time. I bet it's like one of those bowling lanes where they put inflatable tubes along the side so you cannot fail to reach the end.

Back in heaven, the angels are busy trying to come up with a new version to compete - The Stanna Lift to Heaven. You get to sit in a chair and get hoisted to heaven whilst learning the entire bible on the way up, stopping at every floor for some well earned tea and scones. "Oh yes" says Gabriel, chief softshite engineer "this new version will really kick some bottom".

Down in hell, their software engineer, Bon Scott is saying "Fuck it, let them strap jet engines to the roof of the car and then see how fast the bastards will go".

Now I'm not much of a games fan but if I had a choice between climbing a ladder or driving a Ferrari Daytona at 300 mph I know which queue I'm going to be in..... the long mother fucker.

I wonder what else might be available on the Highway to Hell????

12 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...

If I was going to heaven(which I'm not, as I don't believe in that crap). I'd want rockets on the Stanna stairlift!

Sewmouse dijo...

I can never remember, but easily google all 7 deadly sins...


So, one stop for each?

Or a Brothel/Casino/ChineseCarryout where you can lay down and place a bet, a fondle a girl (or guy if that is your fancy) and a scarf down a large meal then take pride in the anger you show the waiter/waitress as you scheme to take over the premises?

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> I've heard of people being cremated and then having their ashes put into a rocket - wonder if that counts?

Sewmouse -> but sins are not what get you into hell, avoiding them is what gets you into heaven, well, that and pushing a camel through a needles eye or something - but I like your thinking :)

kimmyk dijo...

i'm hoping there's at least a lemonade stand on my drive down. i hear it's pretty hot down there....i might be a little parched by the time i get there. *cough*

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Some like it hot, but being arse-fucked by a guy who looks like Ernest Borgnine will take some getting used to. Goth, man, it's not too late to repent. I'll listen to your confession if you want.

Tippler dijo...

Reckon there'd be some hitch-hikers along the way to break up the journey in the aptly named 'lay'-bys.

Just so long as they're tottyfilarious hotties and not some pyscho German actor...

Ani dijo...

Hell sounds like heaven to me. (You forgot the depraved kinky goth sex... if your google searchers are any indication.)

SpanishGoth dijo...

KimmyK -> as much lemonade as you want I believe

GB -> repent and get arse-fucked by a priest now? no thanks

Tippler -> Between what's on offer at the Diners and all those 'lay'-bys, one might never get there.... shame

Ani -> never said it was MY hell, I seem to recall there being a number of them

Tom Joad dijo...

Hell is best left to Bill Hicks to describe: They say rock n' roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say that it is; I've got news for you. Let's say that rock n' roll is the devil's music and we know it for a fact to be the absolutely, unequivocally true. Boy, at least he fucking jams! Ha ha ha ha! Okay? Did you hear that correctly? If it's a choice between eternal hell and good tunes and eternal heaven and new kids on the fucking block … I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out … high five at Satan every time I pass the motherfucking shore.


the scottish tourist board dijo...

The only people going to heaven are the congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church.
See you in Hell...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tom -> Bill Hicks - fucking class RIP

STB -> Loch Ness monster run out of steam so publicising churches now? *joke*

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Sounds a lot like Southend.