viernes, agosto 31, 2007

The Ten Plagues

So according to the Big Book Of Bullshit, there were TEN plagues visited upon Man but they all happened in Exodus, which is another word for leaving, so if you were going on holiday or something, it didn't actually matter. If we are to believe what the men in beards said, the plagues happened in this order... blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and then death - which is pretty much how the NHS in the UK operates today.

Goth will explain the plagues, as he doesn't have a beard and has no need of Man to worship him:-

Blood - This was when the vampires turned up but it was ok if you were female as it only occurred once every 28 days until you became old and senile, or had garlic.

Frogs - and god created the Muppet Show and appointed Kermit to rule the world but he couldn't as he was just a fucking puppet and Man said "But you've got your hand up his bum - that's not scary, well apart from the hand up the bum bit", and thus god had to go and invent another plague like..

Lice - which invaded Man's hair, until Man invented shampoo and then all the lice said "oh bollocks" and thus they went.

'I know', thought god in an omnipotent way, 'I'll send a plague of...'

Flies - who thought they were clever and buzzed around until spiders appeared and then they exclaimed "Buzzing hell - look out for the web Blue, aw too fucking late" but by then Man had invented hairspray which stopped the fly's wings from working and they fell out of the air and Man stomped on them with a satisfying squidge.

Pestilence - an interesting theory which was basically a 'get-out' clause for the men with beards - "Ha ha" they said "No one will notice that this is actually all plagues and we will send rats and they will - fucking hell Dave Beardo, the bastard's had away with the cheese".

'Useless twats' thought god and so he created...

Boils - "Ah" protested Man "But Woman may not like me and then we won't procreate?" and the god said "Shit, I don't know" and thus the boils were prevented and some spotty dermatologist invented Clearasil and all boils were banished to the bottoms of trainspotters.

Next god decided to piss around with the weather and so he sent a plague of..

Hail - "Watch me make Man run and duck for cover" said god to the men with beards, "I have invented bouncing snow and it's hard as fuck" but Man had discovered caves and he just laughed whilst sitting around the fire, roasting marshmallows and saying "Crikey, it's bouncing down out there"

'Right', thought god, 'Now you're going to get it' and he sent ..

Locusts - That will eat everything and leave nothing left, but Man had invented the fridge and as the locusts didn't have the correct combination, they couldn't get in and they all died and were made into marmalade.

Darkness - Thus god resorted to darkness and so he banned all the little lights in the fridge and torches and batteries and electricity and anything else that made light but Man just said "Wow, I'm sleepy now missus, let's get under the bearskin and friggy-diggy" and woman said "OK - as the Vampires are not back for a few weeks".

"That is bloody it !" shouted god and got on his big white telephone and called his other half..

Death - "Hiya god" said Death "What do you need now?" - "I need you to do some reaping, me old mucker" replied god, explaining the Plague Syndrome to Death. "Doesn't that defeat the object?" asked Death. "Just bloody do it" replied god and thus created his own slogan.


8 comentarios:

john.g. dijo...


Sewmouse dijo...

And LO! all the vampires were relegated to jobs in Hospitals, where they lost their blood-letting skills and required their victims to be punctured numerous times to obtain even the slightest bit of blood, leaving great welts and bruising.

And God saw this, and it was very very not good.

john.g. dijo...

And then Man descended over millions of years from the apes, and millions of years later learnt to write. Then a load of drug addled wankers collaberated on a fictional tome, which was full of shit, and called it the Bible. This was then turned into the best film ever, called 'THE LIFE OF BRIAN'! Some good came of it!

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

Or he could've just blown up the earth and started back over when he got tired of the dinosaurs. It'll give a break until man finds a way. So I think it's about time for another earthly explosion.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> well, you did vote for it

Sewmouse -> sounded like you were turning into Gollum at the end "and it wasn't very good, was it my precious"

JG2 -> Monkeys can write - just look at Gorilla Bananas - he can type too

YSB -> what is it with you Merkans - why do you want to blow everything up?

*wanders off to get some more Wodka*

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Locusts are an appetizer, not a plague. A plague of farts would be harder to bear.

Cream dijo...

In the Sahara, they have locust kebabs. Taste like chicken!

SpanishGoth dijo...

GB -> being a Goth, I can't fart - bit like pigeons really, except they explode if you feed them popcorn

Cream -> Kebabs? Yuck. Sounds like the devils work to me