viernes, agosto 24, 2007

Jonah and The Bloody Big Fish

So firstly, there was a prophet called Jonah and he was so good at telling stories that the men with big beards even gave him his own book in the bible. Granted it was only 2 pages long but it's not that interesting a story really. Through time, this has become known as the Tale of Jonah and The Whale which is silly because a whale is not a fish, it's a mammal and they eat things like plankton which are really small and so it couldn't have eaten Jonah unless he was a small prophet.

Anyway, Jonah was wandering around preaching and saying how bloody great god was and he was really popular and spent a lot of time giving autographs. God spoke to him and told him that he had to go to a great city called Nineveh and so Jonah, being curious asked why. When god explained what a bad lot of people they were and how sinful they were Jonah said

"Fuck that for a game of soldiers, they might kill me or anything" and so Jonah stole away on a ship to escape.

However, by now, god had finished his lunch and saw what Jonah was doing and so he farted and a big storm erupted in the sea, a bit like a god-like jacussi thing. All of the sailors were really frightened and started throwing things overboard in case they had an unlucky item on board. Unfortunately, after they had tossed everything over the side, the storm had not ceased and so they started accusing each other of being the evil one.

Eventually, Jonah got bored of this and feeling a little bit guilty anyway said "Alright lads, my fuck-up" and proceeded to explain how he'd pissed god off by not going to save the city. The sailors listened in awe and some smart arse at the back said "Chuck him overboard" but Jonah had already volunteered as he could swim really well anyway.

"But can I walk the plank?" asked Jonah "It will look really good in the pictures in the bible" but the sailors had already decided to throw him overboard and they'd thrown the plank away earlier. Thus Jonah got lobbed over the side and the sea became calm immediately.

At this point, a bloody big fish (that was NOT a whale) swallowed Jonah and he spent three days inside the fish trying to tickle it but he couldn't find the funny bone. God decided that Jonah had learned his lesson and forced the fish to spit Jonah onto the land. The people on the beach were drinking Hebrew cocktails and as Jonah flew overhead they said "Wow, you don't see that every day - another one please waiter" and so Jonah became known as Fishman.(a bit like Batman but without the cool gadgets)

Fishman, who obviously smelt a lot like fish now, went to the city and converted everyone from evil to good, just so that they could get rid of the smell really. Even the king said "Bloody hell, these robes smell of fish" and so exchanged them for a sack and god thought it was an act of pennace.

Jonah however had nowhere to live and so he went outside the city and built a small hobbit hut which he called Fish End and lived there whingeing about the fishy smell. So god created a palm tree so that Jonah could make coconut shampoo and coconut soap and get rid of the smell of fish.

*Vote for next weeks Gothic bible story - a) King Solomon, b) Daniel and the Lion or c) The Ten Plagues - 2*

ps would have done one of those vote things but I can't be arsed - exit only see !!

15 comentarios:

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

This story must've came from The Bible: Unrated - Too Hot! Edition. I got the bootleg.

I've always been a fan of the plagues. It was goth at its best.

john.g. dijo...

Goth, beware, not all whales eate plankton. Take the Orca(killer whale), Sperm Whale( A favourite no doubt), and the Dolphins and Porpoises. A service announcement bought to you free of charge.

Honey dijo...

I ate fish and chips on some pier yesterday.
wonderful
I don't want to come back.

zoe dijo...

but, john, whales are still not fish.

plagues please, really filthy, horribly sick ones.

SpanishGoth dijo...

For Fucks Sake - Read the bible you bastards

YSB -> It's wedged between Kings and Job (but I accept your vote for plagues)

JG -> Well, duh - still not a fucking fish though


Honey -> glad you didn't eat it on some peer, I know your hubby is one for the upper class

Zed -> will have to visit 'Locusts R Us' which is a bit like IKEA but different, but your vote counts

Sewmouse dijo...

Apparently God needs to cut back on the cabbage - he farted rather a good deal here yesterday as well.

Plagues sound good. Or Dan and the Lions. Nothing quite like a good Lion & Christian story...

Tippler dijo...

Which reminds me:

Teacher to little kid (doing a drawing of Jonah being swallowed by a whale).

Teach: I'm afraid a whale didn't swallow Jonah. Whales have small throats and there's no way Jonah would have fit.

Kid: But it says so in the Bible, miss.

Teach: Well, I'm telling you that a whale couldn't have swallowed Jonah. It's impossible/

Kid: OK then, when I get to Heaven I'll ask him.

Teach (not knowing when to shut the fuck up): But what if Jonah went to Hell?

Kid: Then YOU ask him.

john.g. dijo...

Goth, why the fuck should I read the bible, it's all made up bollocks anyway!
I know the whale isn't a fish, but not all whales eat plankton!

yorlor dijo...

john g-
chill.

goth-
well done, but you stopped a little short. jonah was also waiting for the city to fall. he wan't convinced they'd really repented. so he sat and he waited. the tree grew. jonah wasn't exactly grateful. the tree died. jonah cursed allah. allah said "are you really that f'ing stupid?" and the story more or less ends. jonah is an ungrateful git.

see veggie tales for a more animated version. also stars the pirates who don't do anything.

i say plagues first. i want to hear about bathsheeba, next.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Sewmouse -> but it was only red cabbage grade

Tippler -> and you should be a teacher.... in fact, you should be a monk

Bwahahahahaha

funky hair-do

JG -> I know, it was deliberate

Yorlor -> welcome but Jonah was grateful, in the end, and he had fuck all to do with pirates at all

SpanishGoth dijo...

*buggers off to figure out the seven seas of plague*

yorlor dijo...

okay, i'm going to sneeze a fit and a half from the dust that's going to fly off my bible. i'm going in.

grateful for what?

SpanishGoth dijo...

The tree only lasted one day and god said some bollocks about "but you didn't make it grow" and Jonah should have said "You're the omnipotent one you fuckwit - you make it work" but he didn't and so Jonah got sunburnt

LJ dijo...

Choice "C." Please. For personal reasons.

SpanishGoth dijo...

The Plagues get it then - Friday it will be....