Jonah and The Bloody Big Fish

So firstly, there was a prophet called Jonah and he was so good at telling stories that the men with big beards even gave him his own book in the bible. Granted it was only 2 pages long but it's not that interesting a story really. Through time, this has become known as the Tale of Jonah and The Whale which is silly because a whale is not a fish, it's a mammal and they eat things like plankton which are really small and so it couldn't have eaten Jonah unless he was a small prophet.

Anyway, Jonah was wandering around preaching and saying how bloody great god was and he was really popular and spent a lot of time giving autographs. God spoke to him and told him that he had to go to a great city called Nineveh and so Jonah, being curious asked why. When god explained what a bad lot of people they were and how sinful they were Jonah said

"Fuck that for a game of soldiers, they might kill me or anything" and so Jonah stole away on a ship to escape.

However, by now, god had finished his lunch and saw what Jonah was doing and so he farted and a big storm erupted in the sea, a bit like a god-like jacussi thing. All of the sailors were really frightened and started throwing things overboard in case they had an unlucky item on board. Unfortunately, after they had tossed everything over the side, the storm had not ceased and so they started accusing each other of being the evil one.

Eventually, Jonah got bored of this and feeling a little bit guilty anyway said "Alright lads, my fuck-up" and proceeded to explain how he'd pissed god off by not going to save the city. The sailors listened in awe and some smart arse at the back said "Chuck him overboard" but Jonah had already volunteered as he could swim really well anyway.

"But can I walk the plank?" asked Jonah "It will look really good in the pictures in the bible" but the sailors had already decided to throw him overboard and they'd thrown the plank away earlier. Thus Jonah got lobbed over the side and the sea became calm immediately.

At this point, a bloody big fish (that was NOT a whale) swallowed Jonah and he spent three days inside the fish trying to tickle it but he couldn't find the funny bone. God decided that Jonah had learned his lesson and forced the fish to spit Jonah onto the land. The people on the beach were drinking Hebrew cocktails and as Jonah flew overhead they said "Wow, you don't see that every day - another one please waiter" and so Jonah became known as Fishman.(a bit like Batman but without the cool gadgets)

Fishman, who obviously smelt a lot like fish now, went to the city and converted everyone from evil to good, just so that they could get rid of the smell really. Even the king said "Bloody hell, these robes smell of fish" and so exchanged them for a sack and god thought it was an act of pennace.

Jonah however had nowhere to live and so he went outside the city and built a small hobbit hut which he called Fish End and lived there whingeing about the fishy smell. So god created a palm tree so that Jonah could make coconut shampoo and coconut soap and get rid of the smell of fish.

*Vote for next weeks Gothic bible story - a) King Solomon, b) Daniel and the Lion or c) The Ten Plagues - 2*

ps would have done one of those vote things but I can't be arsed - exit only see !!