viernes, agosto 03, 2007

Jacob's Ladder

In Genesis, god was really busy inventing triangles where all the sides were equal and all the angles added up to 180 when..

"God?"

"Oh for fuck's sake - now it's gone all squidgy" said god looking at his now isoceles triangle "What do you want now Jacob?"

"Sorry - I didn't mean to spoil anything but when you said to paint the room, well the thing is, I can't do that bit in the top corner so could I have longer arms or something. I tried throwing the paintbrush at it but, watch.."

*throws paintbrush in the air*

SPLAT

"Ow, that was my good eye ... it doesn't bloody work"

God sighed in an ominpotent sort of way and with a loud whooshy sound, a set of stepladders appeared before Jacob

"Fucking cool" said Jacob, in an understated biblical fashion "Is it a stairway to heaven?"

"It might be but, first it will enable you to reach the very corners of the room" boomed god

"So it doesn't actually lead anywhere then?" asked Jacob taking his first tentative steps on the ladder and promptly falling off "They're a bit fucking wobbly, god"

"Well if you hadn't disturbed me while I was busy inventing triangles" but god realised his own importance and thus he sent a big piece of string to stop the ladders from collapsing.

Jacob marvelled at the glory and started marching up and down the stepladders singing to himself

#Now I'm tall, and now I'm small#

which started to piss god off as he was busy trying to finish the triangle connumdrum. God called the nearest free angel, who was named Kevin the Cocky Angel. God sent Kevin to show Jacob the decorator how the ladder was to be used.

Kevin the angel arrived and said to Jacob "Watch this, it's not really very difficult" and proceeded to march up the ladder in a very confident fashion, but when he got to step number 70 he was being a bit too cocky and as he turned to brag to Jacob he fell off and muttered "Fucking hell, they're a bit wobbly" as he tumbled to the floor.

But Jacob had figured it out by now and he said "I shall call you Bethel" which is hebrew for something and he picked up his paintbrush and went to finish the decorating before god decided to turn him into crackers or something equally brittle.

21 comentarios:

Tippler dijo...

And there was me thinking Jacob's ladder had something to do with a transvestite pole-dancer in fish nets.

Can't believe anything these days...

zoe dijo...

since when are ladders supposed to lead somewhere ? i think you've picked the dimmest characters out of the bible to write about.

Stacie dijo...

You're bible stories are a helluva lot more fun than reading the real deal...
Stace

Brom dijo...

I always thought that it was not possible to do triangles in Genesis up until the point the Steve Hackett left?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tippler -> Should have known you needed a dodgy character in a silly outfit

Zoe -> "Jacob's Ladder refers to a ladder to heaven described in the Book of Genesis (28:11-19)..." - research my girl..

Stacie -> Tx - wait until I bring out the full book ;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Sorry Brom - simultaneous posting - spooky - didn't know Hackett played with Dairylea...

john.g. dijo...

I thought Jacob's Ladder was a brilliant track by RUSH,to be found on 'EXIT, STAGE LEFT'?

Lever dijo...

Definitely Crackers.

The Aunt dijo...

Brittlenut toffee. Mmmmmmmm.

*Homer Simpson drool*

Brom dijo...

"Crackers"... oh I missed that one!!

JolietJake dijo...

if the triangle just had three degrees it would have been easier to make

Jacob's a selfish twat, he shouldn't interrupt God like that. The equally sided triangle is the starting point for pool and snooker, one of which is surely more important that painting the corners.

Lynx dijo...

If God had sent the angelette Sharon, Jacob could have said, "Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?"

John, the live version on Exit Stage Left is indeed most excellent. Whilst looking to see which studio album it's on (Permanent Waves), I discovered they're playing in the UK this October, so I'm going to see them at Wembley.

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> Was also a bloody excellent film with Tim Robbins

Lever -> with brown sauce or cheese?

Aunty M -> I can so see that Simpson moment of yours ;-)

Brom -> That'll teach you (was the second gag I thought of after the Zep one)

JJ -> 3 degrees - ugh, don't like your musical taste. As for the god thing, if he was that fucking clever he would have anticipated it

Lynx -> Maybe, but wouldn't she have needed the angel Tracy too?

Dip-Dop-Crabtree dijo...

Hello to sir GOTH

And all that because of a dream!!( two angels climbed ,two other angels in descended and four "h'ayot" )This dream is the reflection of the preoccupations Had to the uncertainty to find a companion for life ?

The number of bars, or exile years: seventy for THE ANGEL of Babylone,fifty-two for the angel of Persian one,hundred-four-twenty for the angel of Greece,and a number for the edom angel,damn and re damn!! then me that never counted the number of bars ,I crossed only birds or butterflies!! The Qabalah you climbs you descends to attain "the Life tree" put the ladder on a crabtree!!

john.g. dijo...

Lynx, so are my mates, sadly I cannot. 1983 at the NEC, Signals tour was the last. Sorry for the hi-jack Goth.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Dip-Dop -> Hola, been awhile - it is a bit of a crazy story though isn't it

JG -> No problemo - at least you weren't discussing dress sizes or periods or something ;-)

Melograna dijo...

I love that. Especially Kevin.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Melograna -> tx and welcome to Goth World

SpanishGoth dijo...

Melograna -> tx and welcome to Goth World

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