miércoles, agosto 29, 2007

Seven Wonders of The World (#1 - Gardens of Babylon)

The Seven Wonders originated in Greek Tourist Guides before EasyJet came along polluting the sky. Thus the wonders were limited to the Mediterranean area as the little Greeks couldn't get further afield.

Today, out resident gardener Alan Titwillow examines the first of the wonders:

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon

*Enter Alan in his tweed jacket and unkempt hair*

It's amazing really to think that it was 600 years before the supposed birth of christ that these gardens were built. This was even before the days of Thou Art B&Qus, so the fact that these walls over 75 high could be built with their own water circulation is, in itself quite amazing really.

The Gardens themself were all created by that well known gardener Nebuchadnezzar II just because his wife was moaning that the little window box was not big enough. You can almost imagine Neb sitting there thinking 'I just wanted to go to the Tavern but alright, I'll bloody show you'. And he did, with such an impressive structure that it became one of the Seven Wonders of the world.

Unfortunately, thanks to the original site being in Iraq, which has a history of blowing things up for no reason, I have had to reconstruct the gardens using the same technology they did back then. Due to budgetary constraints - i.e. the BBC are more interested in programs about bloody cooking instead of gardening, I only had £100 to spend.

First, I had to pick an historic site and so I thought back to my childhood and what inspired me to take up gardening in the first place to welcome to Titwillows Slightly Wilted Blue Peter Garden.

In order to demonstrate the size and scale of the gardens, I have had to borrow some of my sons action man toys. So at the top, the american army jeep actually represents the horse drawn chariots which could circumnavigate the B-25, the first true by-pass constructed by man. Below that, the Bonsai trees that I nicked from the canteen actually represent 100-foot high trees and those little yellow easter chickens I have superglued are actually the giant eagles that used to come and land in the trees and swoop off with cows and sheep.

As I had no idea how to construct an Archimedes Pump as in the original, the hosepipe at the top serves to water all the plants but just imagine that gravity was reversed and water was flowing up instead of down.

Fortunately for me, some little spider monkeys escaped from the Blue Peter studio, but imagine they are actually huge big monkeys like orangutans and those rosehips that they are throwing at each other are actually 2-foot wide water melons. Strong little rascals aren't they "Hey ! Get off my giant strawberries you little bastards" - Sorry, that's the beauty of nature - you can't control it.

The little pile of dog-poo near the base is actually the huge compost heap made from a thousand elephants passing by, all of which was used to fertilize the amazing variety of plants that grew in the gardens.

So as I demonstrate Action Man walking through the gardens, you can appreciate how impressive it looked to all the little greek tourists, represented by the various Subutteo players that I sellotaped to little plastic horses near the base. It really is a marvel and I am so proud of this scale model that "Get that fucking dog off my garden before it digs eveything up !!"

Anyway, that's all for this week. Join us next week when Bob The Builder demonstrates how the Pyramids of Egypt were constructed without any modern technology at all.

10 comentarios:

Tom Joad dijo...

All that work making the model - are you sure you didn't have a bit of a thing for 00 gauge railway when you were a kid?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Only for tying Barbie to it....

john.g. dijo...

You aren't related to Michael Bentine are you? I loved the Diddymen.

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

Bob the Builder kicks ass.

john.g. dijo...

Bollocks, I meant Potty Time!!

PI dijo...

Please tell John the Diddy men were Ken Dodd. TSK TSK!

john.g. dijo...

Mum2, thanks!

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> No I'm not related but I did enjoy Potty Time

YSB -> Used to be the name I used in conference calls with the US - "Oh, you've fucked the system up again - can I fix it? Yes I can"

Pat -> I know that, they were very Diddy under the mattress (with the tax bill)

kimmyk dijo...

I didn't know eagles swooped off with cows. Learn somethin' new everyday.

Oh yeah, I gotta agree with YSB, Bob the Builder rocks!

SpanishGoth dijo...

You have never read the LOTR then - "The eagles are coming"

But yes, Bob The Builder rocks - and stones and constructs in a small, but efficient way