The Perfect Ringtone

For me, is the silent one. Mmm, let it vibrate in your pocket like, a little hamster on a wheel going mental in a very small place. (It's not really a hamster, I just liked the analogy).

I like Nokia, as a company, they haven't pissed about with the "oooo sorry Sir, you will need a totally different charger for that phone", which is very helpful when you travel a lot - NOT. Your mental process goes from:- 'Oh for fucks sake I forgot my charger and now my phone doesn't work' to 'thankyou barman, or hotel receptionist for supplying just the one I need' ooooo feeling calm now

AND, with Nokia, you have always been able to change the ringtone from the complete dross that they provide to something bizarre - even when you had to program the tone in yourself. Boring, but effective.

I had one of those Shitberry things for a while, and what a bucket of toss that was. It was designed for people with very small fingers, or very accurate nails. The worst thing was, you couldn't change the ring tone to something other than 'ladybirds farting on a mushroom' or something.

That's the whole point of having a mobile phone. Pissing people off with the ring tone.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's not big and it's not clever, but it is funny as fuck at times.

Normally, I take my phone everywhere with me, but when I get a sufficiently annoying ringtone, I will leave it on my desk and phone myself from a landline just to watch people tear their hair out. This was particularly fun, por ejemplo, when I had programmed 'Europe - The Final Countdown' in as a ringtone.

At present, anyone who knows me, in real life, knows that I had 'Queens of The Stone Age - No One Knows' as my last ringtone, and before that 'HIM - Buried Alive By Love'. BUT, I have changed it - to the perfect ringtone.......

So, you can either guess what my new one is, or suggest your own ( and no, there are no fucking prizes)

Highway to Hell

So I've been thinking about this and, assuming that the heaven type place is in an upwardly direction, and involves climbing ladders and tricky stuff like that, and hell is in the opposite direction and more prone to the laws of gravity, then AC/DC were right after all, the road to hell is a highway.

It will be a highway full of gas guzzling cars travelling at breakneck speed with rock music blasting out of their stereos. Along the way will be Diners serving cholesterol laden burgers, as much beer as you can drink and with pretty young things offering all sorts of dubious 'goodies' for free. Bonus points will be added for squashing old pedestrians on the way, with double the points for splatting any speed cops trying to spoil the fun.

It's not really that much of a surprise why the highest selling video games are things like Grand Theft Auto instead of Converting the Sinners. What a fucking boring game that must be. You wander around Springfield town, bible in hand knocking on doors with your trusty crucifix as a weapon.

"Do you believe in..." *SLAM* - "Oh, that'll be a no then" - onto the next singing hymns on the way with bonus points for working out what the fuck they are talking about.

Meanwhile, back on the Highway to Hell, everyone's having a riot of a time. I bet it's like one of those bowling lanes where they put inflatable tubes along the side so you cannot fail to reach the end.

Back in heaven, the angels are busy trying to come up with a new version to compete - The Stanna Lift to Heaven. You get to sit in a chair and get hoisted to heaven whilst learning the entire bible on the way up, stopping at every floor for some well earned tea and scones. "Oh yes" says Gabriel, chief softshite engineer "this new version will really kick some bottom".

Down in hell, their software engineer, Bon Scott is saying "Fuck it, let them strap jet engines to the roof of the car and then see how fast the bastards will go".

Now I'm not much of a games fan but if I had a choice between climbing a ladder or driving a Ferrari Daytona at 300 mph I know which queue I'm going to be in..... the long mother fucker.

I wonder what else might be available on the Highway to Hell????