miércoles, abril 18, 2007

The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth

(*Note* - this is a rip-off of ideas from the genius of Douglas Adams whose brilliance shaped my past, present & future - Goth Bless Sir - and if you have never read THGTTG - a pox on you all)

"Grab a packet of peanuts, quick" Goth Perfect instructed his friend and now decidedly less camp, Arthur Bent. Arthur was confused and a little drunk. He had imbibed, well, rather gulped, the 5 Jack Daniels purchased by Goth and was feeling warm and fuzzy - he didn't want to leave yet. However, Arthur knew better than to argue with Goth. Since Goth had come into his life, he was a changed man. No more listening to Erasure and shaking his booty, no more dancing in a tutu whilst listening to Dancing Queen.

Now, thanks to Goth's influence, Arthur wore skin-tight leather trousers, a satin shirt of blood red and the pointiest black leather boots he had ever seen. No longer was he at the bottom in his gay relationships. Arthur had developed style, grown his hair and was obsessed with the work of the Pre-Raphaelites. The sea-change in his life was there for all to see. Arthur was still marvelling at these changes when he was disturbed by Goth.

"We have to go, now" said Goth "The Vegans are coming and when they arrive, they will fuck everything up." "What's a Vegan?" enquired Arthur rather nervously - "Look" explained Goth patiently "They're green, they're pasty looking and even Vegetarians quiver with fear when they see the Vegan 'can't do list'."

Arthur tightened his grip on the towel he was carrying as he'd thought they were going to the beach. "What are we going to do?" pleaded Arthur "I like my meat, like I like my men". Goth Perfect paused but resisted the obvious line next, instead he said in a calm voice "Simplistically, we're going to get the fuck out of here, and fast". With that, Goth pulled out his little black book of dates. Emblazonned on the back, in gold, were the words 'When I'm God, Everyone Dies' - Arthur gulped down another JD and tried not to panic.

Goth Perfect then did the strangest thing Arthur Bent had ever seen (so far, that day) - he tied his hair back in a ponytail and said "Let's get ready to rock". "B b but - you never tie your hair back" stammerred Arthur. "You would be well advised to do the same my little Gothic apprentice" said Goth "Arriving on a strange spaceship looking fuzzy is never a good move". This was too much information for Arthur, he ordered a double JD and sank it in one gulp "We're going on a.. a ... shacespit?" burbled Arthur, more to himself than anyone else "How shucking fool is that?".

Arthur had just managed to tie his hair back when everything became blurred 'Oh fuck' thought Arthur 'I'm definitely going to blow chunks this time, and I bet there's some of those bloody carrots in it'. Fortunately for Arthur, events were about to occur that would make him completely forget about hurling. The pub morphed into a beach and as elephants in tutus performed Dumbo Lake, Arthur sat back and enjoyed the trip.

As the elephants changed shape and became armadillos on roller skates a loud voice announced "Cool - that's a bit trippy isn't it". Arthur tried to nod but when he looked down he saw that he was wearing a white suit. 'Fucking great' he thought 'All that effort to look cool and now I look like a sailor in the navy - I could sail the seven seas'. Meanwhile, Goth Perfect was nonchalantly leaning against a bar that, well, Arthur was sure wasn't there a minute ago, humming a tune that Arthur sort of recognised but couldn't quite place, but Goth Perfect was still looking the epitome of cool.

There was a feeling of braking, like a train coming to an emergency stop and then all the visions disappeared. Goth Perfect was still there, looking, well, damn perfect. Arthur's clothes had returned to normal but he felt the most almighty hangover was just lurking in the background waiting to pounce and play a drum solo in his head.

With a swooshing sound, an opening in the plain white wall appeared, and in this doorway stood something that Arthur could not put a name to, mainly because he didn't know what it was.... 'Oh fucking hell' he thought and fainted ....

*to be continued*

23 comentarios:

JolietJake dijo...

why isn't Goth Perfect downing JD's?

Is Richard O'Brien going to be in this? I feel that you could write him in somewhere, he deserved better than that stoopit maze game.

Tell about the Heart of Gold (I don't mean the Boney M ditty, obviously)

Rebecca dijo...

Oh bloody hell...to be continued??? Write, damn you, write...
*winks*

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Arthur Dent was such a bloody non-entity and the Prefect guy wasn't much better. You should have been Zaphod BeebleGoth.

Mr. X dijo...

Do we get black mice and the 'Heart of Goth' as well next time? :)

Nice work, that Goth...

SpanishGoth dijo...

JJ -> Goth Perfect has intravenous JD - well he is bloody perfect ;-)
And they are onboard the HoG

Rebecca -> Just whetting your appetite my dear

GB -> Indeed but Arthur Bent has a twist. Goth Perfect was meant to be an improvement on the original. However, I will use "Zaphod BeebleGoth" - top work there methinks

*bows in gratitude to the King of the Congo*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Mr X -> hadn't really thought that far ahead yet but I'm open to suggestions on Slartibartfast

Tippler dijo...

Zaphod Beeblebollox is soooo cool he can give head to two girls at one time.

I find that fucking impressive, personally.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Gadzooks man !! - do you think of nothing but sex? Second thoughts - don't answer that, I already know...

phoenix dijo...

does it matter that i have only seen the series and the movie but not read the book, or have i just set myself up for a rant on being a hitchhiker heathen? looking forward to next installment anyway;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Doesn't matter at all to me. I won't be following the plot (some people think I have already lost the plot)

As long as it raises a smile, I'm happy

phoenix dijo...

well didn't like to say! prefer to think of you as self aware and ever so slightly eccentric x

Tippler dijo...

Testing new Gravatar.

Tippler dijo...

That didn't work, then...

SpanishGoth dijo...

Phoenix -> doesn't mean I think I've lost the plot - it's right where I left it

Tippler -> You riding a horse too? Beats riding a goat I suppose *snorts*

Lynx dijo...

Loving the revised literature. Much better than the Harvard Lampoon stuff, they don't have enough smut.

I can't really see Tippler riding a horse; I'd have thought he was more of a white swan guy.

PI dijo...

Do JDs have that effect?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Lynx -> Nice to see you back in Gothworld. As regards the White Swan thing, I presume you mean a pub, not as per AK from the Chilli Peppers (so called cos of the shape of his willy)

Pat -> I believe JD can have that effect if moving from sober to drunk - apparently, staying drunk all the time is a deterrent (and avoids hangovers)

phoenix dijo...

ps i am no longer blogless.will take me a while to get back into it but it's a start.

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

Can't wait for the movie deal to this. For sure it's gotta be rated R.

kimmyk dijo...

Arthur is such a light weight. I mean seriously. What's that 5 Jacks and he's passing out at what's behind door number 2? Psshhaaa. Kick him aside and carry on my wayward son.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Phoenix -> will be visiting soon :)

YSB -> Not sure what rating it would be, can't I have a G for Goth rating?

Kimmy -> Arthur always was a pussy - I'm sure you'll find Zaphod more to your taste (coming soon)

bananas62 dijo...

JACK DANIELS AND LEATHER TROUSERS! GOD I LOVE YOU ***PANTING PANTING PANTING AT THE THOUGHT OF MORE LEATHER****

SpanishGoth dijo...

Coo - you women and leather..... I went to a blogmeet in Bruxelles on Thursday and every post I have seen about it says "and Spanish Goth was wearing leather trousers....." SO....