The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth

(*Note* - this is a rip-off of ideas from the genius of Douglas Adams whose brilliance shaped my past, present & future - Goth Bless Sir - and if you have never read THGTTG - a pox on you all)

"Grab a packet of peanuts, quick" Goth Perfect instructed his friend and now decidedly less camp, Arthur Bent. Arthur was confused and a little drunk. He had imbibed, well, rather gulped, the 5 Jack Daniels purchased by Goth and was feeling warm and fuzzy - he didn't want to leave yet. However, Arthur knew better than to argue with Goth. Since Goth had come into his life, he was a changed man. No more listening to Erasure and shaking his booty, no more dancing in a tutu whilst listening to Dancing Queen.

Now, thanks to Goth's influence, Arthur wore skin-tight leather trousers, a satin shirt of blood red and the pointiest black leather boots he had ever seen. No longer was he at the bottom in his gay relationships. Arthur had developed style, grown his hair and was obsessed with the work of the Pre-Raphaelites. The sea-change in his life was there for all to see. Arthur was still marvelling at these changes when he was disturbed by Goth.

"We have to go, now" said Goth "The Vegans are coming and when they arrive, they will fuck everything up." "What's a Vegan?" enquired Arthur rather nervously - "Look" explained Goth patiently "They're green, they're pasty looking and even Vegetarians quiver with fear when they see the Vegan 'can't do list'."

Arthur tightened his grip on the towel he was carrying as he'd thought they were going to the beach. "What are we going to do?" pleaded Arthur "I like my meat, like I like my men". Goth Perfect paused but resisted the obvious line next, instead he said in a calm voice "Simplistically, we're going to get the fuck out of here, and fast". With that, Goth pulled out his little black book of dates. Emblazonned on the back, in gold, were the words 'When I'm God, Everyone Dies' - Arthur gulped down another JD and tried not to panic.

Goth Perfect then did the strangest thing Arthur Bent had ever seen (so far, that day) - he tied his hair back in a ponytail and said "Let's get ready to rock". "B b but - you never tie your hair back" stammerred Arthur. "You would be well advised to do the same my little Gothic apprentice" said Goth "Arriving on a strange spaceship looking fuzzy is never a good move". This was too much information for Arthur, he ordered a double JD and sank it in one gulp "We're going on a.. a ... shacespit?" burbled Arthur, more to himself than anyone else "How shucking fool is that?".

Arthur had just managed to tie his hair back when everything became blurred 'Oh fuck' thought Arthur 'I'm definitely going to blow chunks this time, and I bet there's some of those bloody carrots in it'. Fortunately for Arthur, events were about to occur that would make him completely forget about hurling. The pub morphed into a beach and as elephants in tutus performed Dumbo Lake, Arthur sat back and enjoyed the trip.

As the elephants changed shape and became armadillos on roller skates a loud voice announced "Cool - that's a bit trippy isn't it". Arthur tried to nod but when he looked down he saw that he was wearing a white suit. 'Fucking great' he thought 'All that effort to look cool and now I look like a sailor in the navy - I could sail the seven seas'. Meanwhile, Goth Perfect was nonchalantly leaning against a bar that, well, Arthur was sure wasn't there a minute ago, humming a tune that Arthur sort of recognised but couldn't quite place, but Goth Perfect was still looking the epitome of cool.

There was a feeling of braking, like a train coming to an emergency stop and then all the visions disappeared. Goth Perfect was still there, looking, well, damn perfect. Arthur's clothes had returned to normal but he felt the most almighty hangover was just lurking in the background waiting to pounce and play a drum solo in his head.

With a swooshing sound, an opening in the plain white wall appeared, and in this doorway stood something that Arthur could not put a name to, mainly because he didn't know what it was.... 'Oh fucking hell' he thought and fainted ....

*to be continued*