The History of a Weekend in Vienna

Divided into three parts, a bit like a cake really...well a cake for three people, or one really big person who needed 2 pieces but was too shy to say, like Mozart, who wasn't big, or ate cake but did become really big...later

Part 1 - Will Comes in an Ostrich

Well he didn't really - I mean ostriches are really fast and running after one is a really silly idea, because you couldn't be fast enough or have enough corn and anyway it is not on my list of to-dos (or dodos for that matter).

So anyway my new buddy TM (The Mav) said 'Willkommen in Oesterreich' -"Will Comes in an Ostrich" before he buggered off for food - well, sort of food - bread with three nipples (or so it appears). Yes, barmen have to eat in Austria too. But he didn't eat any ostriches as that would be politically incorrect I think, and he's Turkish which means everything is a delight apart from the economy because it's corrupted like a bad disk - naughty disk *slaps hand across naughty disks arse* (his words not mine....I think).

Thus, M and I were there debating politics at 5am - ok - that's bollocks.... but we were still talking at 5am (which is more than married people can say).

I digress, Vienna is a beautiful city full of, well beautiful things like hotels, with beds and stuff. And I am so totally going to get in the shit for staying up all night with Mav, drinking Wodka etc. Scheiss - I'm turning into a Drama Goth........

*wobbles and falls off his bar stooll*

Part 2 - The Ostrich Strikes Back

So, suitably sobered up I got 'dragged' on a tour of Vienna. It is so full of interesting things that you want to - well, get a beer or two. Thankfully, Vienna has lots of beer - as you can see from the homeless people who gather around the local Billa (supermarket) with no homes but, funnily enough, lots of beer.

After watching lots of fat people jogging - ok, not really jogging, just walking fast - ok just walking, we got onto the city bus. The one that's like sightseeing for deaf people - i.e. headphones and stuff. Mariposa was most confused as to why the tour was in Chinese until she realised that I had been 'eine anschloss' with the settings for her audio - childish I know, but still funny - "why are they speaking in Chinese?" - *holds hands up* "I don't know"......liar!

Anyway, the family from hell were on the same bus and thus our tour was cut short - although the mental images of me sawing the parents in half still remain. We did some walking, took some silly pictures and then went to the art gallery. Gallery dosen't really convey the magnitude of this place. It's big - really big. And, to be honest, deeply impressive. Gustav Klimt rocks and I got to see Judith - THE Judith. After what seemed like forever, we set off back to the hotel to refresh and plan for our evenings entertainment/meal.

Guess what? A Mexican restaurant in Ostrich - hooray (on Praterstasse). An evening in the Hapsburg Empire speaking.....Spanish - muy bueno. We ordered our food, fajitas, drank our wine and were generally having a good time when THWACK the vegetarian from hell sits down at the next table. Why on earth this pasty-faced mother-fucker bothers coming out is beyond me. I feel like throwing a piece of celery and shouting "Fetch".

As if being a vegetarian isn't bad enough, she insists on going through the entire menu asking if there are onions in the dish - no onions. WTF. Since when can't vegetarians eat onions? Did they develop legs and breed whilst I was away? (Bar-stewards!!!). So eventually, the waitress came over to finalise our bill and delivered some peanuts to the veggy-one. "Sin cebolla?"..

Part 3 - A Phantom Menaces

Mariposa and I were walking down the main street and viewing Wien, which is superb, when we noticed a 'silly shop' - one that sells sex, sex magazines etc. Over 60 -

nope, not bra size, but age - what next? Dig this chick? (Please - dig her up). We laughed HA HA HA etc and then continued on our way, without purchasing any of said dodgy magazines I might add.

We had to take a horse-drawn carriage ride around the city but first, we had to partake of beverages. I suggested we take a place on a terrace overlooking the Cathedral mainly so that she could people-watch and so I could figure out which of the drivers looked most entertaining. I picked one, who I will call Heimlich (because it sounds Austrian and he did a great manouvere later) and we climbed aboard the carriage.

What a dude - he took his time showing us everything and describing in detail the city - he also waved the women horse-cab drivers past and turned round to say "typical women drivers eh?" which, I hasten to add was banter that te ladies laughed along with. The best part was, having the right of way, he went even more slowly at junctions where Ferraris and Porsches were itching to show off but had to sit there and wait - the Heimlich Manouvere.

Heimlich had an encyclopeodic knowledge of Wien and gave us the most interesting view of Wien and loads of laughs. Later, we saw him pass as we were on a terrace and he must have had politically correct people on board as he did not seem the same at all - more fool them - we had the true Wiener tour with humour and more knowledge than you can get from any guidebook. Apparently, the opera house was one of the last places to be bombed in WWII - 10 minutes before the truce was signed ... wankers. 345 people dead, hundreds of years of heritage trashed - hmmm wonder why war is shit then?!

However, all in all, a totally brilliant weekend (sorry I didn't post but I was having far too much fun). AND - being with the queen of languages it was nice to have the upper hand for once - she doesn't speak German but I do - hooray. Not going to show off and say something in German but what I will say is - Vienna (Wien) is a very interesting place to visit.

hasta luego,
S