The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth Pt IV

Arthur sat and contemplated his drink and began to get worried. Every time recently that he did this, the contemplation led to trepidation and that only led to worse 'ations'. The voice of Honey did nothing to allay his growing fears. "Zaphod - you'd better get to the bridge, and really quickly as we're landing". A few minutes later, Zaphod almost ran into the room. "OK" he said in an authoritative manner, and then, in a decidedly less authoritative tone "What the fuck's going on?".

"I don't know" said Honey truthfully, not wanting to admit she'd been too busy with her bikini line. "The ship just informed me that we're landing" she said. "Techno-fuckia" exclaimed Zaphod without having a clue what it meant. Meanwhile, Goth Perfect just sat on the side of the room, smoking a cigarette and thinking 'I've got a really bad feeling about this'.

A short while later, the Heart of Goth landed and with a resonating voice, the ships computer announced "Well, here we are then - as requested". The four travellers looked at each other to try and ascertain who's stupid idea this had been. No-one was owning up. Goth decided to take charge of the situation and so asked "Who asked?". "You all did" replied the computer dryly. "I don't recall asking for anything" said Goth. "Yes you did" said the computer "You pointedly said, and I quote, 'What the fuck is going on?' as did the other three. So, therefore, I brought you to the place where the answers are".

"THE answers?" they all asked, "Yes" said the computer, "The answers to life, the universe and everything". And with that, the main door opened and the computer switched into stand-by mode.

"Alright !" announced an excited Zaphod "Now we get to find out why, or what, or who or something". Arthur felt the panic start to rise in his throat. Honey felt the itch in her pants where she'd missed a bit. Goth felt in his pockets to check he had enough cigarettes and Zaphod felt around for his sunglasses (top of the range glasses that would turn completely opaque at the slightest hint of danger - if you couldn't see how bad things were, you were less likely to worry about it).

They all agreed that Zaphod should take the lead with his special glasses, Arthur would be the last as it was the shortest distance to run back and he was less likely to run over one of the others in his blind panic. Goth would follow Zaphod and Honey would follow Goth (mainly so that she could check out his bum - she had a thing for leather trousers).

As they emerged from the ship, they saw a large building in front of them and decided that must be the place they had to go. Just as they neared the doorway, an old looking man in white robed with a white beard appeared.

"Oh my god, it's God" exclaimed Arthur, "Fucking hell it's gone all black" announced Zaphod. "Hold this" said Goth to Honey, "Thought you'd never ask" panted Honey.

"I was wondering when you'd turn up" said the old man "I suppose you want to know what happened to Earth then?" he asked and without waiting for an answer, he turned and started walking back into the building turning briefly to say "Come on then - this way". When Arthur had processed this information he suddenly had a thought, not a very well structured thought and he babbled "You know Earth then?"

"Oh yes" replied the old man "designed quite a lot of it.... I was particularly proud of the Fjords you know". "Hold on a second" said Goth, "Designed?". "uh huh" mumbled the old man "It will all become clear soon enough".

Half an hour later there was a stunned silence, which was really rather impressive as it had been preceded by 29 minutes of stunned silence except for the Archive Narrator who had been explaining that the Earth was actually a really big computer simulation to find out the question. They already knew the answer to life, the universe and everything it appeared, as that had been determined millions of years ago but millions of years of evolution within the simulation should have garnered the question. "Would have been ok if the Vegans hadn't fucked it up" muttered the old man under his breath.

"So what is the answer?" enquired Goth curiously. "The answer" replied the old man, "Is 42 - but it's the question that we need to know". "The designers have ascertained that the question lies within Arthurs brain so we need to cut it out". Slowly but surely, Arthurs brain processed this information and sent an immediate message to his vocal chords "But I need my brain" whimpered Arthur. "There must be another solution, other than lobotomising the poor chap" said Goth.

"Farts brain, better out than in" said Zaphod. "Well, there is one way" said the old man slowly "but the only way would be to travel to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe - but then you wouldn't be able to get back". "Unless" said Goth "The probability of being able to get back was so high, that it was improbable". The old man stroked his beard as he thought - "Damn shame they never perfected that Improbability Drive before the ship was stolen" he said.

Zaphod looked at himself, looked at the others and then said "Looks like we need a table for 5 then?" and turning said "Come on Fart, you may be dull but you heard what Zed said". The 5 of them boarded the Heart of Goth and set a course for dinner at literally, the last place anyone would want to eat.........