*(Review - Goth Bond and his favourite, Pussy - yes Pussy Galore are back. Bond has done away with the evil Prozac and is now at a health farm to try and find out what evil plot Fill Spector has come up with now)*
Goth removed his leather trousers and folded them neatly. After removing the rest of his outfit, he carefully wrapped a black towel around his body and stepped into the massage room. There were two massage tables, one empty (the one for him he presumed) and the other had a corpulent middle aged chap lying on it. "Alright mate" said the man "Bit fooking hot in here i'nt it?". 'Great' thought Bond 'Not what I imagined at all'. "I'm Count Lippy" announced the little lard-arse, "I know so much I frighten myself sometimes". Bond paused and then calmly stated "The name's Bond, Goth Bond". Lippy visibly shuddered - he knew the name but had never seen Goth before.
Two women walked into the room, one portly and rather sour-faced woman, and another tall blonde with the biggest pair of bazookas Bond had ever seen. The blonde went straight to Bond and started rubbing her hands together in preparation. Bond had already seen the tattoo on Lippys shoulder - a Ronnette that he knew was only awarded to one of Fill Spectors evil gang. Whilst the masseuse worked her magical fingers over Bonds body, Bond was busy calculating just what it would take to shut Lippy up. All the time, Lippy was jabbering nonsense "yabba, yabba, yabba......". Soon enough the masseuse had finished and after carefully placing a card next to Bond which read "Call me, fuck me" she announced it was time to go.
Bond was walking back to his room trying to ignore Lippys inane babble when a door opened. A man, covered in bandages sat in a chair gurgling. 'That's a bit odd' thought Bond. When he arrived at his room Bond prepared to get into bed when he noticed movement under the sheets. He pulled back the sheets and saw 3 tarantulas, 2 black widows and a horses head. "Fucking spiders" said Bond and carefully wrapping the sheets he threw the lot out of the window. He quickly dressed and went to find Lippy.
Meanwhile, Lippy was busy drinking cocktails singing "I killed the Bond, he's not so bloody hard, la la la la la". Bond quietly walked up behind Lippy and put him out of his misery.
Now to find out what the guy dressed as a mummy was doing. He returned to the room where he had seen elastoplast man but it was too late. The man was well and truly plastered. Goth Bond managed to get the mans details from his wallet and found that he had been a pilot on transport planes carrying big bangers. 'So that's Spectors plan' thought Bond 'Bombing around the Christmas trees'. He returned to his room, quickly dressed and left. A quick call to U to arrange the gadgets he needed, a quick call to Y to explain why he was going to the Caribbean and a long time on to Pussy.
Hours later and the plane touched down in Jamaica. Bond strode down the steps and went into the nearby hanger. "Nice one U" he said as he looked appreciatively at the gleaming BMW. He opened the boot of the car and surveyed the equipment - "Jeez, this boy really needs to get out more" he said quietly. He took the 'Axis of Evil' locator from a briefcase and switched it on. The signal came through clear - 2 miles off the coast. Bond jumped into the BMW and sped down to the harbour.
Retrieving the special jetski which U had camouflaged as a dinghy, he stripped down to his leather thong, utility belt and Gucci sunglasses and set off in the direction of the signal. A quarter of a mile short he saw three boats - a triumvarate of evil. The bad guys were already underwater trying to retrieve the Big Bangs so that Number Two could do his nasty business. Bond knew the evil Fill Spector plan was to unleash a wall of sound on the world. Not since he had defeated Stock, Aitken and Waterman had Bond faced such a dreadful enemy.
Goth Bond took out the minute scuba apparatus from the utility belt and sent the jetski into a dive to the floor of the ocean. At the bottom, he pressed a button and the jetski disguised itself as a giant clam and Bond tried to get closer to the sunken plane to see more closely what was transpiring.
A harpoon streaked through the water and missed Goth Bonds head by inches. Goth turned to see five evil divers heading towards him. He raised his middle finger in a salute and took the blood pack from the utility belt. Releasing the blood he retreated behind the clam. Already, the nearby sharks had scented blood and sighted the evil divers who were paddling furiously toward Bond. In less time than it takes to make a Pot Noodle, the evil divers were shark dinner. Unfortunately for Bond, all this pissing about had meant that Number One and Number Two had retrieved the Big Bangs and the boat was already heading back to shore.
Goth Bond let out a bubble curse, which slowly floated to the surface before popping and releasing the words "Bastards". He would have to get back to shore and try and locate the Number brothers again. He turned the clam back into a jetski and shot to the surface. Time was running out and Bond still hadn't had time for Pussy.
to be continued....