Goth Bond Stars in ThunderBalls PT III

*(Review - Goth Bond and his favourite, Pussy - yes Pussy Galore are back. Bond has done away with the evil Prozac and is now after the Big Bangs stolen by Number 1 & Number 2, agents for the evil Fill Spector)*

Once Goth Bond has arrived on shore he goes straight to his super-spy equipped BMW. Immediately after he gets in, a voice announces that he has a video message. Bond keyed in the security code and watched the message from Y. Y informed Bond that the Big Bangs have been tracked to Nassau and that an airlift has been arranged to transport Bond and his super-spy car direct to Nassau. Bond sends a text message to Y telling him that he needs Pussy for this and to fly her to Nassau too - Bond is aware of how much easier the mission will be with Pussy alongside him.

A couple of hours later, the large Sikorsky helicopter deposits Bond and the car on the island of Nassau. Bond has discovered that the evil mastermind behind this plan is the cunning and relentless Libido. Initially, Goth decides to get to Libido via his soft spot, the amply proportioned Domino. Bond doesn't realise that Libido is trying to use Domino's charms to kill him and the effect of her charms are certainly working. Bond can feel the motion in his tight leather trousers as the sight of her heaving bosom promises untold riches. 'Get a grip of yourself Bond' he thinks, and then realises that the movement is actually his mobile phone that's vibrating.

"Excuse me" says Bond "I have to take this" and answers the call. "Alright" says Bond finishing the call. "Something to worry about?" asks Domino. "Indeed" says Bond in a grave tone of voice "It's your brother" he says. "My brother has your number?" asks a clearly surprised Domino. "No" says Bond "Your brother's dead, killed by your beloved Libido". It takes a few seconds to sink in and then Domino collapses. Bonds lightning fast reflexes mean that he is able to catch her before she hits the ground. "That'll be the domino effect then" he said quietly.

After Goth Bond has revived Domino, he takes her to bed. He hadn't wanted it to be this way but he is too much of a gentleman to turn her down - a damsel in a dress. All the time that they make love though, all he can see is Pussy - probably the reason why he is O-69. Later, Domino confides in Bond and explains where Libido is. Goth Bond is determined to find Libido, save Pussy and generally save the world - in a cool but laid back way.

Bond calls Y - "Chief, we have to pull together" and frowns as Domino takes his phrase literally. To Bonds great relief, Y understands why and orders shit loads of fish.

Indeed, they need the help of the Navy Seals for this one, and fishy smells are all that can tempt the Seals.

Meanwhile, Libido thinks he is getting everything right - he starts pushing the right buttons. Libido sends a lot of little divers into the cave where he will hatch his proof of dominance. However, Bond knows this is the time to repel such an action, so he dons his rubber suit and plunges deep. Down there, it's a dangerous place but Goth Bond knows what he is doing. Almost in slow motion, he thrusts...but, will it be enough?

The Seals are gobbling like there is no tomorrow but Goth Bond keeps his head - he knows there's more to come. Slowly, but surely, Goth raises his head from the deep but, Libido is still not finished. Libido has jumped ship and tries to escape but Bond is having none of it. "Fine" says Bond, "If you want to play dirty, kiss my arse". Bond reaches for his utility belt and pulls out the weapon that U didn't want to see. It's the circum-navigating-circumcising-never-want-to go-there device. Goth Bond launches it and there is a resounding wail of pain as Libido is well and truly rogered.

"That'll teach you to mess with Goth Bond Libido" says Bond as Pussy comes and says, "Another one tonight Goth - I have to share again?".

"It's ok" says Bond, "This is for your mouth only"

*Theme music - 'He's the man, the man with the Thunderballs so please don't touch'*

Goth Bond Stars in ThunderBalls PT II

*(Review - Goth Bond and his favourite, Pussy - yes Pussy Galore are back. Bond has done away with the evil Prozac and is now at a health farm to try and find out what evil plot Fill Spector has come up with now)*

Goth removed his leather trousers and folded them neatly. After removing the rest of his outfit, he carefully wrapped a black towel around his body and stepped into the massage room. There were two massage tables, one empty (the one for him he presumed) and the other had a corpulent middle aged chap lying on it. "Alright mate" said the man "Bit fooking hot in here i'nt it?". 'Great' thought Bond 'Not what I imagined at all'. "I'm Count Lippy" announced the little lard-arse, "I know so much I frighten myself sometimes". Bond paused and then calmly stated "The name's Bond, Goth Bond". Lippy visibly shuddered - he knew the name but had never seen Goth before.

Two women walked into the room, one portly and rather sour-faced woman, and another tall blonde with the biggest pair of bazookas Bond had ever seen. The blonde went straight to Bond and started rubbing her hands together in preparation. Bond had already seen the tattoo on Lippys shoulder - a Ronnette that he knew was only awarded to one of Fill Spectors evil gang. Whilst the masseuse worked her magical fingers over Bonds body, Bond was busy calculating just what it would take to shut Lippy up. All the time, Lippy was jabbering nonsense "yabba, yabba, yabba......". Soon enough the masseuse had finished and after carefully placing a card next to Bond which read "Call me, fuck me" she announced it was time to go.

Bond was walking back to his room trying to ignore Lippys inane babble when a door opened. A man, covered in bandages sat in a chair gurgling. 'That's a bit odd' thought Bond. When he arrived at his room Bond prepared to get into bed when he noticed movement under the sheets. He pulled back the sheets and saw 3 tarantulas, 2 black widows and a horses head. "Fucking spiders" said Bond and carefully wrapping the sheets he threw the lot out of the window. He quickly dressed and went to find Lippy.

Meanwhile, Lippy was busy drinking cocktails singing "I killed the Bond, he's not so bloody hard, la la la la la". Bond quietly walked up behind Lippy and put him out of his misery.

Now to find out what the guy dressed as a mummy was doing. He returned to the room where he had seen elastoplast man but it was too late. The man was well and truly plastered. Goth Bond managed to get the mans details from his wallet and found that he had been a pilot on transport planes carrying big bangers. 'So that's Spectors plan' thought Bond 'Bombing around the Christmas trees'. He returned to his room, quickly dressed and left. A quick call to U to arrange the gadgets he needed, a quick call to Y to explain why he was going to the Caribbean and a long time on to Pussy.

Hours later and the plane touched down in Jamaica. Bond strode down the steps and went into the nearby hanger. "Nice one U" he said as he looked appreciatively at the gleaming BMW. He opened the boot of the car and surveyed the equipment - "Jeez, this boy really needs to get out more" he said quietly. He took the 'Axis of Evil' locator from a briefcase and switched it on. The signal came through clear - 2 miles off the coast. Bond jumped into the BMW and sped down to the harbour.

Retrieving the special jetski which U had camouflaged as a dinghy, he stripped down to his leather thong, utility belt and Gucci sunglasses and set off in the direction of the signal. A quarter of a mile short he saw three boats - a triumvarate of evil. The bad guys were already underwater trying to retrieve the Big Bangs so that Number Two could do his nasty business. Bond knew the evil Fill Spector plan was to unleash a wall of sound on the world. Not since he had defeated Stock, Aitken and Waterman had Bond faced such a dreadful enemy.

Goth Bond took out the minute scuba apparatus from the utility belt and sent the jetski into a dive to the floor of the ocean. At the bottom, he pressed a button and the jetski disguised itself as a giant clam and Bond tried to get closer to the sunken plane to see more closely what was transpiring.

A harpoon streaked through the water and missed Goth Bonds head by inches. Goth turned to see five evil divers heading towards him. He raised his middle finger in a salute and took the blood pack from the utility belt. Releasing the blood he retreated behind the clam. Already, the nearby sharks had scented blood and sighted the evil divers who were paddling furiously toward Bond. In less time than it takes to make a Pot Noodle, the evil divers were shark dinner. Unfortunately for Bond, all this pissing about had meant that Number One and Number Two had retrieved the Big Bangs and the boat was already heading back to shore.

Goth Bond let out a bubble curse, which slowly floated to the surface before popping and releasing the words "Bastards". He would have to get back to shore and try and locate the Number brothers again. He turned the clam back into a jetski and shot to the surface. Time was running out and Bond still hadn't had time for Pussy.

to be continued....

Goth Bond Stars in ThunderBalls

The funeral had already started when Goth Bond arrived. He carefully manouvered the Aston Martin so that nobody would see Pussy - he didn't feel comfortable with people staring when he had Pussy in his car. "You wait here" said Bond, "I just need to go and check that the evil Fill Spector agent Prozac is actually dead". "Well I hope he's dead for his sake" said Pussy Galore "I wouldn't fancy being buried alive". "I have to check" explained Bond "Y has been going on for ages about getting rid of Prozac".

Bond got out of the car and wandered over to where the coffin was about to be covered in soil. He recognised some of the evil henchmen but something didn't seem right. He spotted Prozac's bereaved wife getting in the car and then he realised what had happened. Prozac had killed his own wife - Goth Bond had read about the dangers of Prozac but even he was surprised at this.

Bond raced back to the car and jumped in making Pussy squeak. "Careful Goth" she said "I nearly wet myself there - what is it?" she asked nervously. "We have to go after Prozac now - hold tight Pussy." They raced off after the funeral car which finally stopped at Chateau Antidepress. Goth carefully hid the Aston in some trees and took a rucksack out of the car. "Oh wow" said Pussy "A picnic, how thoughtful of you Goth". "I'm afraid not" said Bond "I have to deal with Prozac then you and I see Y". "See why what?" asked Pussy, "No" replied Bond, "We have to go and see my boss Y".

With that Goth disappeared into the trees whilst Pussy waited, her lips slightly trembling. Less than 5 minutes later there were a couple of loud bangs and then Goth started to descend from the sky. 'Oh my Goth' she thought 'he can fly as well. Goth Bond landed beside the car and took off the rucksack, which was actually a jetpack, jumped into the Aston and started speeding down the road. After a particularly sharp hairpin he unleashed a pool of oil from the back of the Aston Martin and watched with a satisfied smile as the pursuing bad guys shot off the road, hit a tree and exploded.

"Like I always say Pussy" Goth winked, "Slippery when wet" and they sped off to catch a plane to London.

Goth Bond strode into MI6 headquarters and came up silently behind his favourite secretary. "Need some help putting things in there Miss FunnyFanny?" Bond asked mischievously. "Oh Goth, I thought you'd never ask but why have you come?" replied FunnyFanny. "Summoned by Y " answered Bond "Although I really did need to see U too".

"Alright Bond" boomed a voice over the intercom "Stop teasing FunnyFanny and get yourself in here". In Y's office were a couple of people Goth Bond didn't look the like of at all. The sort of people he knew had to pay for sex because they were about as interesting as wet fish, or accountants.

"I'm sending you to a health farm Bond" announced Y. "Like fuck you are" replied Bond "I'm not poncing about in a dressing gown eating lentils and all that bollocks". "It's not a request Bond, it's an order - we've had two agents killed in two days trying to find out what's going on there" explained Y "Now it's your turn so get in there and sort it out. And don't forget to collect some new gadgets from U, I know U's been busy". "Alright" said Bond "But I am not eating fucking lentils". And with that, Goth Bond turned on his heel and left.

Some hours later, Goth Bond pulled up at the large country mansion that had been turned into a health farm. The tyres scrunched the gravel as he pulled into a parking space near the front entrance - Goth was never one to go in the back entrance. A bell-boy came out to help carry Bonds suitcases, but Bond only had an overnight bag. He had absolutely no intention of staying near health freaks for any longer than was absolutely necessary. He was shown to his room and he tipped the bell-boy. Opening the fridge he almost laughed at it's contents - fruit juice and mineral water. Smiling he opened his overnight bag and took out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Just as he had sat down and poured himself a generous measure of JD into a crystal tumbler, the phone rang. "Mr Bond?" enquired the voice at the other end "Yes" replied Bond, "I'm the Swedish Masseuse that was ordered for you." said the decidely husky voice at the other end of the line. She gave Bond the details of where to come and he finished his JD, threw his jacket on the bed and said to himself "The things I do for my country" and headed off to get his massage.

To be continued

Goth Bond - Gothfinger - Part II

(short summary of part I - our hero Goth Bond, Secret Agent, has thwarted the Spice Girls evil plan to reunite but his nemesis, Blowjob has had away with Pussy - we join O-69 in his WTF hunt)

Goth Bond decided to return to the riding stables where he had first encountered Pussy. He remembered the first time he had seen her riding and marvelled at her exquisiteness. Unfortunately for Bond, this was not to be a good day - he found a pussy alright but she was rigid and covered in gold. What has that Blowjob done to this pussy and, more importantly where is THE Pussy? thought Goth Bond. There was only one thing to do, don't get mad, get even.

Bond knew he had to seek out the naughty Blowjob but, his love of Pussy far transcended the momentary thrill of hunting down Blowjob. However, Blowjob had been expecting this from Goth Bond (well, it was in the bloody script) and had sent his henchman Badjob to kill Bond. Badjob was a nasty piece of work with no respect for helmets or hats of any kind really. Soon enough Badjob had Bond in an extremely tricky situation, Bond didn't know if his nuts were going to explode, he had to do something - perhaps one of the cunning weapons that he had received from U. As he lay there stricken and exposed, he tried to think of something, anything that would help him out of this desperate predicament.

Suddenly, he remembers the power he has that he didn't need U for. He recited some poetry and unleashed the Fear of Goth on his captors. Like punks with a cause, they run away screaming 'I fought the Goth, but the Goth won....' and Bond managed to escape. He knows where he has to go now, Badjob made the mistake of telling Bond the master plan, but first Bond has to save Pussy Galore to keep her safe from evil. Bond is not sure exactly where she is but he knows the clock is ticking (he can hear it in the background) - he must find Pussy and then get to America to Fort Knockers.

Meanwhile, in his submarine of evil, Blowjob is stroking the pussy on his lap cursing that his plan to kill Goth Bond didn't work. He has watched this on the secret cameras he had installed and his stroking had become faster and agitated "Next time Bond" he curses. Meanwhile, he must continue with his plan, he has to get to Fort Knockers before Bond can spoil his cunning and watertight plan.

Goth Bond phones Y on the Bat phone (not a batman gadget, just a phone that looks like a bat because it's in disguise). "Y, U, I'm going after Blowjob and I'm not stopping till the end. Get me a contact in America for when my plane lands" - there is a pause on the line and then a voice says "But surely that's too dangerous Bond". "Is that U?" enquires Bond. "No, it's P" says P. "Y?" asks Bond, "Why P?" asks P, "No, I want to speak to Y, P". "It's OK Bond" says Y "U go and ship some gadgets to America, mark them Leiter" "Lighter than what?" asks U "No, for the attention of Leiter, Felix Leiter" by which time Goth is very bored of this scrabble like conversation.

"I'll call you when I get there" says Bond "Just as soon as I've got Pussy".

There was a collective groan at the other end of the phone but it was too late, Bond had hung up and was deperately searching for Pussy around the stables. Finally he finds pussy, dripping ... with perspiration hung between two golden pillars. As fast as he can, he undoes the straps and lies her gently on the ground. He hasn't much time and he knows he has to go down and resucitate Pussy with his mouth-to-Pussy skills. It takes several minutes but eventually he can feel a much stronger pulse in Pussy.

"Oh Goth" gasps Pussy "Blowjob has an evil plan - I just heard big, gold and Knockers. Whatever can it be?". "It's ok Pussy, I know all about the plan he has for the Knockers. We have to hurry, there's a plane to catch". With that, he lifts her to her feet and they dash to the airport to catch a flight to America, home of the biggest Knockers - the Gold Depository.

*To be continued..........

Goth Bond Stars in Gothfinger

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