Goth Bond Stars in ThunderBalls PT III

*(Review - Goth Bond and his favourite, Pussy - yes Pussy Galore are back. Bond has done away with the evil Prozac and is now after the Big Bangs stolen by Number 1 & Number 2, agents for the evil Fill Spector)*

Once Goth Bond has arrived on shore he goes straight to his super-spy equipped BMW. Immediately after he gets in, a voice announces that he has a video message. Bond keyed in the security code and watched the message from Y. Y informed Bond that the Big Bangs have been tracked to Nassau and that an airlift has been arranged to transport Bond and his super-spy car direct to Nassau. Bond sends a text message to Y telling him that he needs Pussy for this and to fly her to Nassau too - Bond is aware of how much easier the mission will be with Pussy alongside him.

A couple of hours later, the large Sikorsky helicopter deposits Bond and the car on the island of Nassau. Bond has discovered that the evil mastermind behind this plan is the cunning and relentless Libido. Initially, Goth decides to get to Libido via his soft spot, the amply proportioned Domino. Bond doesn't realise that Libido is trying to use Domino's charms to kill him and the effect of her charms are certainly working. Bond can feel the motion in his tight leather trousers as the sight of her heaving bosom promises untold riches. 'Get a grip of yourself Bond' he thinks, and then realises that the movement is actually his mobile phone that's vibrating.

"Excuse me" says Bond "I have to take this" and answers the call. "Alright" says Bond finishing the call. "Something to worry about?" asks Domino. "Indeed" says Bond in a grave tone of voice "It's your brother" he says. "My brother has your number?" asks a clearly surprised Domino. "No" says Bond "Your brother's dead, killed by your beloved Libido". It takes a few seconds to sink in and then Domino collapses. Bonds lightning fast reflexes mean that he is able to catch her before she hits the ground. "That'll be the domino effect then" he said quietly.

After Goth Bond has revived Domino, he takes her to bed. He hadn't wanted it to be this way but he is too much of a gentleman to turn her down - a damsel in a dress. All the time that they make love though, all he can see is Pussy - probably the reason why he is O-69. Later, Domino confides in Bond and explains where Libido is. Goth Bond is determined to find Libido, save Pussy and generally save the world - in a cool but laid back way.

Bond calls Y - "Chief, we have to pull together" and frowns as Domino takes his phrase literally. To Bonds great relief, Y understands why and orders shit loads of fish.

Indeed, they need the help of the Navy Seals for this one, and fishy smells are all that can tempt the Seals.

Meanwhile, Libido thinks he is getting everything right - he starts pushing the right buttons. Libido sends a lot of little divers into the cave where he will hatch his proof of dominance. However, Bond knows this is the time to repel such an action, so he dons his rubber suit and plunges deep. Down there, it's a dangerous place but Goth Bond knows what he is doing. Almost in slow motion, he thrusts...but, will it be enough?

The Seals are gobbling like there is no tomorrow but Goth Bond keeps his head - he knows there's more to come. Slowly, but surely, Goth raises his head from the deep but, Libido is still not finished. Libido has jumped ship and tries to escape but Bond is having none of it. "Fine" says Bond, "If you want to play dirty, kiss my arse". Bond reaches for his utility belt and pulls out the weapon that U didn't want to see. It's the circum-navigating-circumcising-never-want-to go-there device. Goth Bond launches it and there is a resounding wail of pain as Libido is well and truly rogered.

"That'll teach you to mess with Goth Bond Libido" says Bond as Pussy comes and says, "Another one tonight Goth - I have to share again?".

"It's ok" says Bond, "This is for your mouth only"

*Theme music - 'He's the man, the man with the Thunderballs so please don't touch'*

Goth Bond Stars in ThunderBalls

The funeral had already started when Goth Bond arrived. He carefully manouvered the Aston Martin so that nobody would see Pussy - he didn't feel comfortable with people staring when he had Pussy in his car. "You wait here" said Bond, "I just need to go and check that the evil Fill Spector agent Prozac is actually dead". "Well I hope he's dead for his sake" said Pussy Galore "I wouldn't fancy being buried alive". "I have to check" explained Bond "Y has been going on for ages about getting rid of Prozac".

Bond got out of the car and wandered over to where the coffin was about to be covered in soil. He recognised some of the evil henchmen but something didn't seem right. He spotted Prozac's bereaved wife getting in the car and then he realised what had happened. Prozac had killed his own wife - Goth Bond had read about the dangers of Prozac but even he was surprised at this.

Bond raced back to the car and jumped in making Pussy squeak. "Careful Goth" she said "I nearly wet myself there - what is it?" she asked nervously. "We have to go after Prozac now - hold tight Pussy." They raced off after the funeral car which finally stopped at Chateau Antidepress. Goth carefully hid the Aston in some trees and took a rucksack out of the car. "Oh wow" said Pussy "A picnic, how thoughtful of you Goth". "I'm afraid not" said Bond "I have to deal with Prozac then you and I see Y". "See why what?" asked Pussy, "No" replied Bond, "We have to go and see my boss Y".

With that Goth disappeared into the trees whilst Pussy waited, her lips slightly trembling. Less than 5 minutes later there were a couple of loud bangs and then Goth started to descend from the sky. 'Oh my Goth' she thought 'he can fly as well. Goth Bond landed beside the car and took off the rucksack, which was actually a jetpack, jumped into the Aston and started speeding down the road. After a particularly sharp hairpin he unleashed a pool of oil from the back of the Aston Martin and watched with a satisfied smile as the pursuing bad guys shot off the road, hit a tree and exploded.

"Like I always say Pussy" Goth winked, "Slippery when wet" and they sped off to catch a plane to London.

Goth Bond strode into MI6 headquarters and came up silently behind his favourite secretary. "Need some help putting things in there Miss FunnyFanny?" Bond asked mischievously. "Oh Goth, I thought you'd never ask but why have you come?" replied FunnyFanny. "Summoned by Y " answered Bond "Although I really did need to see U too".

"Alright Bond" boomed a voice over the intercom "Stop teasing FunnyFanny and get yourself in here". In Y's office were a couple of people Goth Bond didn't look the like of at all. The sort of people he knew had to pay for sex because they were about as interesting as wet fish, or accountants.

"I'm sending you to a health farm Bond" announced Y. "Like fuck you are" replied Bond "I'm not poncing about in a dressing gown eating lentils and all that bollocks". "It's not a request Bond, it's an order - we've had two agents killed in two days trying to find out what's going on there" explained Y "Now it's your turn so get in there and sort it out. And don't forget to collect some new gadgets from U, I know U's been busy". "Alright" said Bond "But I am not eating fucking lentils". And with that, Goth Bond turned on his heel and left.

Some hours later, Goth Bond pulled up at the large country mansion that had been turned into a health farm. The tyres scrunched the gravel as he pulled into a parking space near the front entrance - Goth was never one to go in the back entrance. A bell-boy came out to help carry Bonds suitcases, but Bond only had an overnight bag. He had absolutely no intention of staying near health freaks for any longer than was absolutely necessary. He was shown to his room and he tipped the bell-boy. Opening the fridge he almost laughed at it's contents - fruit juice and mineral water. Smiling he opened his overnight bag and took out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Just as he had sat down and poured himself a generous measure of JD into a crystal tumbler, the phone rang. "Mr Bond?" enquired the voice at the other end "Yes" replied Bond, "I'm the Swedish Masseuse that was ordered for you." said the decidely husky voice at the other end of the line. She gave Bond the details of where to come and he finished his JD, threw his jacket on the bed and said to himself "The things I do for my country" and headed off to get his massage.

To be continued