Goth Bond Stars in ThunderBalls PT II

*(Review - Goth Bond and his favourite, Pussy - yes Pussy Galore are back. Bond has done away with the evil Prozac and is now at a health farm to try and find out what evil plot Fill Spector has come up with now)*

Goth removed his leather trousers and folded them neatly. After removing the rest of his outfit, he carefully wrapped a black towel around his body and stepped into the massage room. There were two massage tables, one empty (the one for him he presumed) and the other had a corpulent middle aged chap lying on it. "Alright mate" said the man "Bit fooking hot in here i'nt it?". 'Great' thought Bond 'Not what I imagined at all'. "I'm Count Lippy" announced the little lard-arse, "I know so much I frighten myself sometimes". Bond paused and then calmly stated "The name's Bond, Goth Bond". Lippy visibly shuddered - he knew the name but had never seen Goth before.

Two women walked into the room, one portly and rather sour-faced woman, and another tall blonde with the biggest pair of bazookas Bond had ever seen. The blonde went straight to Bond and started rubbing her hands together in preparation. Bond had already seen the tattoo on Lippys shoulder - a Ronnette that he knew was only awarded to one of Fill Spectors evil gang. Whilst the masseuse worked her magical fingers over Bonds body, Bond was busy calculating just what it would take to shut Lippy up. All the time, Lippy was jabbering nonsense "yabba, yabba, yabba......". Soon enough the masseuse had finished and after carefully placing a card next to Bond which read "Call me, fuck me" she announced it was time to go.

Bond was walking back to his room trying to ignore Lippys inane babble when a door opened. A man, covered in bandages sat in a chair gurgling. 'That's a bit odd' thought Bond. When he arrived at his room Bond prepared to get into bed when he noticed movement under the sheets. He pulled back the sheets and saw 3 tarantulas, 2 black widows and a horses head. "Fucking spiders" said Bond and carefully wrapping the sheets he threw the lot out of the window. He quickly dressed and went to find Lippy.

Meanwhile, Lippy was busy drinking cocktails singing "I killed the Bond, he's not so bloody hard, la la la la la". Bond quietly walked up behind Lippy and put him out of his misery.

Now to find out what the guy dressed as a mummy was doing. He returned to the room where he had seen elastoplast man but it was too late. The man was well and truly plastered. Goth Bond managed to get the mans details from his wallet and found that he had been a pilot on transport planes carrying big bangers. 'So that's Spectors plan' thought Bond 'Bombing around the Christmas trees'. He returned to his room, quickly dressed and left. A quick call to U to arrange the gadgets he needed, a quick call to Y to explain why he was going to the Caribbean and a long time on to Pussy.

Hours later and the plane touched down in Jamaica. Bond strode down the steps and went into the nearby hanger. "Nice one U" he said as he looked appreciatively at the gleaming BMW. He opened the boot of the car and surveyed the equipment - "Jeez, this boy really needs to get out more" he said quietly. He took the 'Axis of Evil' locator from a briefcase and switched it on. The signal came through clear - 2 miles off the coast. Bond jumped into the BMW and sped down to the harbour.

Retrieving the special jetski which U had camouflaged as a dinghy, he stripped down to his leather thong, utility belt and Gucci sunglasses and set off in the direction of the signal. A quarter of a mile short he saw three boats - a triumvarate of evil. The bad guys were already underwater trying to retrieve the Big Bangs so that Number Two could do his nasty business. Bond knew the evil Fill Spector plan was to unleash a wall of sound on the world. Not since he had defeated Stock, Aitken and Waterman had Bond faced such a dreadful enemy.

Goth Bond took out the minute scuba apparatus from the utility belt and sent the jetski into a dive to the floor of the ocean. At the bottom, he pressed a button and the jetski disguised itself as a giant clam and Bond tried to get closer to the sunken plane to see more closely what was transpiring.

A harpoon streaked through the water and missed Goth Bonds head by inches. Goth turned to see five evil divers heading towards him. He raised his middle finger in a salute and took the blood pack from the utility belt. Releasing the blood he retreated behind the clam. Already, the nearby sharks had scented blood and sighted the evil divers who were paddling furiously toward Bond. In less time than it takes to make a Pot Noodle, the evil divers were shark dinner. Unfortunately for Bond, all this pissing about had meant that Number One and Number Two had retrieved the Big Bangs and the boat was already heading back to shore.

Goth Bond let out a bubble curse, which slowly floated to the surface before popping and releasing the words "Bastards". He would have to get back to shore and try and locate the Number brothers again. He turned the clam back into a jetski and shot to the surface. Time was running out and Bond still hadn't had time for Pussy.

to be continued....

Goth Bond - Gothfinger - Part III

The plane touches down in America and Goth Bond strokes Pussy gently to awaken her. Pussy Galores lips part invitingly and Goth Bond smiles - he knows she's in good hands. After they have gone through the airport VIP channel, the American agent meets them. "Lighter?" asks Bond. "Yes, Felix Leiter" replies the not so cunningly disguised American spy. "No" says Goth Bond "Do you have a lighter? I really need a cigarette".

Meanwhile, Pussy is purring in Goths ear "I really, really need to go to bed" - "Yes I know" says Goth Bond "but first, we need to sort out that Blowjob".

"Sorry to interrupt" says Felix "But we have a world to save, and I've got everything you requested - walk this way". "In these leather trousers?" enquires Goth showing Leiter his skin tight, buttock hugging leather trousers that women keep wanting to lick for some reason. "Ok, just follow me" replies Leiter.

The three of them arrive at a beautiful Aston Martin Advantage. "Wow" says Bond "I bet she goes" - "Oh yes" replies Felix, grinning like a cat, she goes "vrooooom, vroooooooom, squeal, vroooom". "Not quite what I meant" says Bond "but I assume all the modifications have been done?". "Yup" says Felix "although I don't know what an ejaculator seat does". "Kind of tosses you in some direction" says Bond dismissively whilst continuing to examine all the other gadgets U has installed.

"Don't we have to go somewhere?" asks Pussy. "Indeed" says Bond, "but we'll be arriving in style". "Isn't arriving like coming?" asks Pussy and Goth nods his head knowing it's going to be a very long day. "Look Felix" says Bond "thanks for the help but I think it better that you stay here - I get a bit wary of strangers Felix".

Goth and Pussy climb into the Aston Martin together and burn rubber.

Whilst this is occuring, Blowjob is making sure that all the little soldiers are going where they are supposed to. "Put that thing up there" demands Blowjob and watches carefully that the result match his expectations. He knows the earth is going to move when he has completed his dirty deed. He throws his head in the air and cackles "Nothing can stop the Blowjob bwahahahahaha" and has to pause briefly for air "hahahahahaha"

Meanwhile Goth Bond and Pussy have come, out of sight to Blowjob. It's one of the perils of only having one good eye. "Ok" says Bond "Here's the plan. You stay here in the car and when you get my signal press the third button on the right". Pussy tenderly motions across the nobs in front of her - "This one?" she enquires. "Indeed" says Bond "The one that says Boom" on it. He knows that this adventure with Pussy will have a climatic ending.

Meanwhile Blowjob has nearly set all of the nuclear devices to blow up Fort Knockers (He's not called Blowjob for nothing). World markets will crumble, he will be master of all he surveys (with his one good eye, so approximately half the world).

Bond speaks into his watch "Ok U, I need guns, lots of guns" and suddenly an arsenal of weapons appears in front of him like a supermarket, but of guns - not a baked bean in sight. He selects the ones he wants and with a clenched fist, shoots off a round or two. "Excellent" he declares. "Now to sort Blowjob out".

Like the devastating killing machine he is, Goth Bond kills all the bad soldiers on his way to Blowjob but when he arrives, Blowjob just cackles "Too late Bond - in 3 minutes the bombs go off". Bond pulls out the hugest vibrator in the world and declares "Not yet Blowjob". "HA" says Blowjob "What's that?" - "Voices activated revenge" says Bond "HA" says Blowjob "Magic dildo my arse" .... there's a whoosh and then a steady thrumming sound "Yowzer" exclaims Blowjob, looking like a red lollipop.

Bond diffuses the bombs and signals to Pussy that it's her turn to come. She gets out of the car, wondering what would have happened if she'd pressed the Boom button but Goth just smiles at the camera and mouths "It's only the stereo" as Pussy is all over him.

#Da da dee da dee da da#

Fade out as Goth Bond gets his Pussy and saves the world - normal day at the orifice really.

Goth Bond - Gothfinger - Part II

(short summary of part I - our hero Goth Bond, Secret Agent, has thwarted the Spice Girls evil plan to reunite but his nemesis, Blowjob has had away with Pussy - we join O-69 in his WTF hunt)

Goth Bond decided to return to the riding stables where he had first encountered Pussy. He remembered the first time he had seen her riding and marvelled at her exquisiteness. Unfortunately for Bond, this was not to be a good day - he found a pussy alright but she was rigid and covered in gold. What has that Blowjob done to this pussy and, more importantly where is THE Pussy? thought Goth Bond. There was only one thing to do, don't get mad, get even.

Bond knew he had to seek out the naughty Blowjob but, his love of Pussy far transcended the momentary thrill of hunting down Blowjob. However, Blowjob had been expecting this from Goth Bond (well, it was in the bloody script) and had sent his henchman Badjob to kill Bond. Badjob was a nasty piece of work with no respect for helmets or hats of any kind really. Soon enough Badjob had Bond in an extremely tricky situation, Bond didn't know if his nuts were going to explode, he had to do something - perhaps one of the cunning weapons that he had received from U. As he lay there stricken and exposed, he tried to think of something, anything that would help him out of this desperate predicament.

Suddenly, he remembers the power he has that he didn't need U for. He recited some poetry and unleashed the Fear of Goth on his captors. Like punks with a cause, they run away screaming 'I fought the Goth, but the Goth won....' and Bond managed to escape. He knows where he has to go now, Badjob made the mistake of telling Bond the master plan, but first Bond has to save Pussy Galore to keep her safe from evil. Bond is not sure exactly where she is but he knows the clock is ticking (he can hear it in the background) - he must find Pussy and then get to America to Fort Knockers.

Meanwhile, in his submarine of evil, Blowjob is stroking the pussy on his lap cursing that his plan to kill Goth Bond didn't work. He has watched this on the secret cameras he had installed and his stroking had become faster and agitated "Next time Bond" he curses. Meanwhile, he must continue with his plan, he has to get to Fort Knockers before Bond can spoil his cunning and watertight plan.

Goth Bond phones Y on the Bat phone (not a batman gadget, just a phone that looks like a bat because it's in disguise). "Y, U, I'm going after Blowjob and I'm not stopping till the end. Get me a contact in America for when my plane lands" - there is a pause on the line and then a voice says "But surely that's too dangerous Bond". "Is that U?" enquires Bond. "No, it's P" says P. "Y?" asks Bond, "Why P?" asks P, "No, I want to speak to Y, P". "It's OK Bond" says Y "U go and ship some gadgets to America, mark them Leiter" "Lighter than what?" asks U "No, for the attention of Leiter, Felix Leiter" by which time Goth is very bored of this scrabble like conversation.

"I'll call you when I get there" says Bond "Just as soon as I've got Pussy".

There was a collective groan at the other end of the phone but it was too late, Bond had hung up and was deperately searching for Pussy around the stables. Finally he finds pussy, dripping ... with perspiration hung between two golden pillars. As fast as he can, he undoes the straps and lies her gently on the ground. He hasn't much time and he knows he has to go down and resucitate Pussy with his mouth-to-Pussy skills. It takes several minutes but eventually he can feel a much stronger pulse in Pussy.

"Oh Goth" gasps Pussy "Blowjob has an evil plan - I just heard big, gold and Knockers. Whatever can it be?". "It's ok Pussy, I know all about the plan he has for the Knockers. We have to hurry, there's a plane to catch". With that, he lifts her to her feet and they dash to the airport to catch a flight to America, home of the biggest Knockers - the Gold Depository.

*To be continued..........

Goth Bond Stars in Gothfinger

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