jueves, abril 12, 2007

It's a Height Thing Really

So, after yesterdays post about Nannageddon, it was suggested to me that women live longer than men because men are taller and therefore when the Reaper does his reaping, he catches the men and misses the women. Hmm - I thought. Could this be true?

**Beware - the following is a Gothic thought train - some drugs may be required**

well, if it were true I suppose that it would make sense depending on how tall the Reaper was and if he was being a smart-arse and twirling his scythe around his head, then I guess that anyone an inch or so taller than the Reaper would get zapped or rather reaped, which would explain why there aren't any giants in the world anymore, because they would have been taller by some distance and would have been first for the high chop but then that wouldn't explain why all the dwarves disappeared, apart from the suicidal ones of course, who could have fasioned themselves dwarf stilts to make themselves taller, but that would only explain the suicidal ones, who had probably got pissed off at people saying stupid things like 'you can stand up now' hence why they would have gone for the stilt method of death, except for the stupid ones who got it wrong and made stilts from cheese because they heard stilton, but that wouldn't have made them taller at all, just given them smelly feet really, although it is possible that the remaining dwarves were stupid or cocky and got trampolines and bounced up and down making star shapes trying to make the Reaper really angry and that could have got them reaped, and normal children would have been safe because they were really small as well, and weren't allowed to go on the trampolines because their parents thought it really dangerous with all those flying dwarf heads, so someone invented bouncy castles so they could bounce up and down without getting whacked by a dwarf head or reaped by the Reaper.

*pauses for a cigarette*

however, all of this applies to dwarves and giants and not to men and women which the theory was more about, so I suppose if you had really tall women then they would get reaped which would fit in with the plan as the Amazonians were really tall and they're all dead but there are other women who are tall and they're not dead, so perhaps the Reaper tried to catch people out in the open because he didn't want to blunt his blade on hard objects, which would mean he would only be bonking people on the head rather than separating their heads from their bodies and I know if I was a Reaper I wouldn't want to get demoted to a 'bonker' or even a 'bopper', as Death would make fun of you "ooh look out, here comes the Grim Bonker - going bonking are we?", so that makes sense that he's out in the open reaping and I suppose if the man and the woman both needed to have a wee at the same time outside, the man could do it standing up but women have to do that squatting down thing, especially if they are outside in the woods and they would only pull their knickers down to their knees and be very wary not to let anything crawl up their *swish* 'sorry bloke, you've been reaped' and so the man would have no head and the woman would be fine because she was squatting down, unless she stood up really quickly because she saw a creepy crawly and she would squeal and stop weeing immediately because women can do that and then she would have no head either and thus be dead, unless she got her timing dead right, or rather undead right, but then all ghosts would be walking round with their heads under their arms but they don't, well Casper didn't and he was a ghost, but he wasn't tall and I don't seem to remember any trampolines in Casper so I don't think that's the reason at all.

perhaps, the reason is that women like to sit down more than men and that's why the men get reaped, because men like to do everything standing up, from weeing and writing their names in the snow, to eating hotdogs instead of sitting down for a scrummy meal, to standing and shouting at TV as if it will make any difference instead of sitting down with a nice box of chocolates, to drinking in a pub at the bar and not at a table, therefore in conclusion, it's not because women are shorter than men it's because they sit down more, so it has nothing to do with height but it is all because women have more comfortable bottoms.

18 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

Could explain why ickle turtles live for a 100 years. I mean they aren't running away from the reaper now are they?

SpanishGoth dijo...

I didn't look into animals as I couldn't figure out how the giraffes would have got away with it.....

Drama Queen dijo...

Mmm. They do spend much of their time bending down to feed their young and to sniff each others bottoms. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

Perhaps that's how they check their wee-mail?

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

Vous connaissez la blague de Flip Flap la giraffe?
C'est une giraffe qui marche, un hélicoptere passe et "flip flap.... la giraffe"

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

My former brother-in-law basketball player of the France team, measure two meters ten eight, size fifty six! My little sister a meter fifty five??

SpanishGoth dijo...

Crikey - good job it doesn't matter when you're lying down

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

Indeed, especially if the bed makes two meters fifty by two meters fifty!! And that it breaks four of them per annum! For a reason which the reason is unaware of!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Holy shit - 4 beds a year ?! Now that's loving in style. How tall is the wardrobe and does he have a Batman costume?

Drama Queen dijo...

More importantly how does he get shoes to fit? Know what they say about men and big feet. . .big shoes!

SpanishGoth dijo...

And if they're really big - they can water ski without the skis - how cool is that?

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

Ho it it! All east proportion! Big shoes longer lace! When it goes to the toilet "WC" it crackles everywhere seen the height of the fall, it has not the suit of Batman, but the one of robin of wood, imagine the size of the "collant"!! One not the can confuse with a garden dwarf!

Drama Queen dijo...

Put him in a kilt and imagine the size of the sporran. Oh Lordy. . .

That's me leaving on a jet plane. Have a nice weekend.

petifilou dijo...

Interesting theory! I like it.

You forgot the other reason women sit down more - high heels!

SpanishGoth dijo...

DipDop -> height of the fall...even when seated? or would that mean feet outside the door?

DQ -> Have to be a bloody long kilt apparently

Petit -> Nice to see you back - some blokes wear high heels too...or so I'm told

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

I would be more pissed off if I was a dwarf, but then again being a dwarf has it's advantages. Once I think of them I'll get back with ya.

Mr Farty dijo...

What kind of cigarette were you smoking when you wrote this? As if I needed to ask. lol

SpanishGoth dijo...

Not guilty Mr F - my brain's wired that way to start with %-)