jueves, abril 19, 2007

The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth Pt II

When Arthur came around he was aware of Goth mopping his forehead with a towel, and vaguely aware of what he had seen appear in the doorway. "Please tell me that wasn't an Octopus" pleaded Arthur. "OK, it wan't an Octopus" said Goth Perfect in a calm and reassuring way, which didn't really work as Arthur was far from reassured and at least 3 tube stations from calm on the Mental Line.

"Would you like a nice cup of tea Sir?" asked the Octopus standing behind Arthur. Arthur spun around and promptly fainted again. Once Goth and the Octopus had revived Arthur, Goth tried to explain the situation. "Look beyond the tentacles, and hands, and myriad of eyes and..." Goth paused "Look, he's on our side but we have a bit of a problem".

"Bit of a problem?" screeched Arthur "There's a bloody talking Octopus here - I just want to go home". He sank back exhausted from the effort. "That might be a bit tricky" said Goth warily "And, we have a meeting first, with the Emperor". Arthur curled up in a ball and meekly asked "Which Emperor?"

"Ooo, ooo me, me" said the Octopus holding up six arms/tentacles - "You're going to see the Vegan Emperor, Pea McCartney.... but he's not very happy with your planet"

"Indeed" said Goth Perfect "We may have a few problems here". "Anyway - we have to go before we get our friend here into trouble". Just as they were preparing to leave, the Carrot Police arrived, got out their carrot sticks and arrested Goth and Arthur for cruelty to vegetables. Then they were taken to be interrogated by the Emperor, sitting on his holy bag of compost. On the end of a chain, which the Emperor was holding, was a small creature waving a daffodil at Goth and Arthur saying "Meat is murder, meat is murder!".

The Emperor yanked on the chain - "Shut up Morris Pea" warbled the Emperor (who'd been known to sing the odd ditty or two). It was the most hideous sound Arthur had heard. "But I wrote this one myself - I'm sure you'd like to hear it" proclaimed the Emperor "Scrambled eggs.... do dee do dee doo dee do dee do". There was a vacant pause whilst Goth and Arthur struggled for something to say before the Emperor continued "But, I haven't quite finished the lyrics yet".

Before Goth had a chance to stop him, Arthur stepped forward and asked "Can I go back now? I promise to speak to no-one about this". Goth held his breath - he knew Vegans were most displeased at anyone leaving or coming early of one of their recitals.

"Speak to Yono?" shouted the Emperor in a very angry voice "Right, that's the end of the world as you know it, and I feel fine" and pressed the button on the Liquidizer. Goth just bowed his head as Arthur watched everything he knew get turned into mush.

Once things had smoothied out, the Emperor turned to his Carrot Police and said "Eject them". 'Tremend-arse' thought Goth, 'Now we're really in deep shit nine'. Goth Perfect and Arthur Dent were marched to a small room and locked inside."This isn't so bad" said Arthur "I mean, the pastel shades are quite fetching in a way really". "Well, we're up the shitter this time my ex-gay friend" said Goth, "When they open the door, we will shoot off into space and die within 30 seconds unless the God of Fuck intervenes".

'Die' thought Arthur, 'isn't that a bad thing?' but before he could think any further, the door opened and Goth and Arthur were jettisoned into space. The last thing Arthur could remember was counting down, or was it up, to what he knew was the end of life as he knew it.

'27....28...29...'

*to be continued*

17 comentarios:

Tippler dijo...

Can Vegans have scrambled eggs? Isn't it a dairy product?

Anyway, as for the lads being thrown out of the ship, my mother once asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.

Having recently watched the moon landing I innocently replied: "I want be shot into space."

Mother gave me that look, sighed and said: "If your father had been two seconds quicker - you would have been."

SpanishGoth dijo...

The eggs is a reference to Mc Cartney rather than what a Vegan can eat.

I hope the condition is not hereditary - just think of all those wasted little spacemen...

kimmyk dijo...

Not the carrot police! Anything but the carrot police! Should've told Art "Don't stand so close to me" and maybe the carrot police would have spared him. He is quite fragile it seems.

Looking forward to the 'GODS OF FUCK' part.

Tippler dijo...

Yes, I know 'scrambled eggs' was allegedly the working title for 'Yesterday'.

But Vegans shouldn't even be dealing with the concept, I reckon.

And wasn't Linda a veggie?

Anyway, I'm busy. So what the Billy Fook I'm doing on here is beyond me! *Slaps self.*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Kimmy -> Arthur is indeed fragile, but Goths are protective by nature

Tipp -> They have to deal with the concept or how else would they know how to spoil dinner parties?

Linda was indeed a veggie and even appeared with Paul on a veggie episode of the Simpsons Paul: Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup.

Drama Queen dijo...

Cue “dun, dun, dun. . .” #Dramatic end music#.

Liking this new narrative voice you seemed to have stumbled on. . .

Sorry for my lack of comments. Work has been a grumble. . .I think I’m back on track now with blogging. In other words I’ve got my priorities sorted.

I have been lurking, just not letting you know.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Thanks hun - not really stumbled on, more kind of 'opened the drawer' that I'd left it in, and there (lurking surreptitiously) it was.

Drama Queen dijo...

Well glad it fitted well.

phoenix dijo...

Think the huge range of Linda McCartney vegetarian foods (why do they always make them look like meat?)maybe gives it away that she was indeed a veggie.Paul McCartney is just the most annoying little twerp on the planet, would love to see him shot into space.
*I'll now have the backlash of all Beatles fans in the world-so sue me!*

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> My aim is to please, well, ladies anyway

Phoenix -> I like the Beatles but McCartney is lost somewhere up his own arse (and you don't need to worry in Goth World - anyone hassles you and they will get severe reprisals :)

Drama Queen dijo...

Another aim is to fit well. Or so I heard. . .

Drama Queen dijo...

Wohoo. I am back to English. I found an option in Blogger. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

Fit well, or tight fight?

Seem to remember something about TF singing something about a lion sleeping in a jungle or something?

Then again I also remember Puff the Magic Dragon (and what the song was really about)...

Mr Farty dijo...

Very clever, what I understood of it.

Need drugs.

Timbo dijo...

Yeah, I'm with Farty. Druuuugs.

SpanishGoth dijo...

No drugs required - just a fucked up brain and shit loads of JD (oh shit, alcohol's a drug - fucked up on that warning then).

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

A talking octopus isn't too bad. Just when they start serving you tea is when you have to worry.