The History of Rome and the Romans

So the mighty city of Rome was founded by two twins who were called Romulus and Remus. Well, actually they weren't called that at all, they were both called Grrrrr as they were raised by wolves and wolves can't talk because they're really just dogs with attitude. However, naming a city Grrrrr would have made the Italians a laughing stock and the Italians aren't known for their sense of humour so they made up the names and then their city could have a proper name that looked ok on the souvenirs they planned to sell to the tourists.

Over the years, Rome grew as lots of people came there to buy stuff like spaghetti because people had heard that it grew on trees and you could eat it and every night, Biggus Trickus would do his job as tourist officer by creeping around at night lobbing pasta into the branches and the following morning the tourists would marvel at the Pasta Harvest ceremonies.

As Rome grew the people dedcided they needed an emperor as all good cities had one so they decided to have an election. Maximus Clitoris decided to stand because she had misheard and thought there was going to be a huge erection, and she was damned if she was going to miss out on that one. The people decided that they didn't want a woman in charge as it would be far too much hard work so instead they elected Biggus Dickus as the first emperor. Unfortunately, Biggus Dickus lived up to his name and people decided he was just a big nob so they had him assassinated.

They couldn't dcecide who should be emperor but some wise-ass suggested that they might as well elect the greengrocer because then they would all get free food, and so it came to pass that Julius Caesar Salad was made emperor. However, it was agreed that Julius should lose the Salad part of his surname as otherwise some countries might get the wrong idea and think that Rome was ruled by a puny vegetarian and so he changed his name and thus began the Salad Days.

Over the centuries, the descendants of Caesar took up their position as Emperor of Rome and set about expanding the Roman Empire. They did this by building straight roads and the other puny countries gaped in awe and said amazed "Fucking hell - why didn't we think of that?" but it was too late as the clever Emperor Minimus Effofticus had patented the idea. Then they invented central heating and patented this idea and set about installing it in villas across Europe.

There were some bad emperors as well - ones like Nero who played his fiddle whilst Rome burned and the people did panic as they didn't know what to do and shouted "Nero - Nero - what do we do?" and Nero said "Shut up, I'm just getting to the solo". But overall the emperors were successful and they even created a senate so that the people thought they actually had a say in what was going to happen, but behind the curtain Gluttonus Maximus laughed so hard he nearly burst as he knew all the senates dirty secrets and knew they would always have to do what he said.

Even the rise of christianity didn't intefere with the rise of the Roman Empire because the romans realised quite quickly they were on a hiding to nothing so they invented the church so they could keep track of all the christians and any they didn't like they would feed to the lions, because people liked to go to sports arenas on Saturday and cheer on the Lions, cos they always won. As per usual though, people got bored quite easily and so every week they had to come up with new ideas - one of the most popular being Gladiators. The Gladiators were basically, the hardest bastards around and people would gather in the ampitheatres - for that's what the arenas were called - and watch their heros like Hunglikeadiplodocus kick someone elses arse.

Then a popular Roman called Enzo Ferrari came up with the idea of chariots and so began chariot racing but the ferrari team were untouchable as no-one could catch their chariots. Until a slave called Sparticus came along and cos he didn't give a shit he won all the races. The Romans didn't like this at all so they decided to kill Sparticus and so they went to fetch him but when they entered the room and asked who was Sparticus, the slaves stood together and shouted "I'm Sparticus" "I'm Sparticus" even "I'm Sparticus and my wife is too". Thus the Roman soldiers were confused and said in Latin "Fuck this for a game of soldiers - let's just pretend he's dead" and so Sparticus lived.

End of Part One - advert break sponsored by Rome Wasn't Built in a Day Builders.