martes, abril 03, 2007

The Second Age of Rome - After the Salad Days

So, it was all going pretty good for the Romans. They'd invaded countries and invented taxes for those countries to pay for all the grapes and wine they'd been scoffing. The world stood in awe of the Roman armies because they had shiny armour and funky liitle sandals with straps on which really were setting the fashion across Europe. The barabrian hordes had no way to combat the highly efficient war tactics of the romans.

The Roman Empire grew, a bit like the Empire did in Star Wars, and the Emperor grew old and his skin turned a funny colour so he demanded that his face be placed on the coins and a lot of artists were executed for creating images where the Emperor didn't look cool as fuck and sexy. Unfortunately, whilst this was happening, the Egyptians, under Cleopatra weren't paying their taxes because this all went on Cleopatras beauty treatment - which apparently was really bloody good. The Emperor decided to send his favourite general to go and sort the cheeky bint out and thus Mark Antony was summoned.

"What I want you to do my young apprentice" hissed the Emperor in his gravelly voice "is bring her back to the dark side" and slammed his fist on the table squashing a couple of grapes (which he thought made him look tough). "Yes my Emperor" replied Mark Anthony, thinking it would be nice to have a holiday in Egypt as he'd always wanted to see the pyramids. Off Mark Anthony trotted to pack his flip flops and swimming trunks.

Some time later, he arrived in Egypt, where they were all walking like Egyptians. The Romans set up their tents on the banks of the Nile, had a few camel rides and some ice cream before Mark Anthony went to meet Cleopatra and tell her that the Emperor was really, really pissed off and wanted his money. Awaiting his audience with the Queen he rehearsed what he was going to say, and how he was going to put the fear of the dark side of the force into her. As he was ushered into the Great Hall of Anubis he kept a hand tightly gripped on his sword as the doormen looked a bit big and tough.

Then he saw Cleopatra and he forgot completely what he was going to say "Holy shit" was all he could mutter "now I definitely wouldn't kick her out of bed". Cleopatra smiled knowingly as the bulge in Mark Anthony's little Roman dress started to rise. "And what can I do for you my messenger of the Emperor?" she asked. Mark Anthony tried to clear the images of what he wanted out of his mind - surely it would be impolite to ask a Queen for a blow job?

It didn't really matter as Cleopatra had already decided that it was time she had a good ravaging, and Mark Anthony certainly rang her bell. "Would you like to see my asp?" asked Cleopatra - "WOO HOO" shouted Marc Anthony thinking his luck was in. Then he found out that an asp was actually a snake and not her maj's glorious butt cheeks.

But his luck was in and they embarked on a passionate affair where they tried to mimic all the sexual positions painted on the walls of the pyramid.

Back in Rome, the Emperor was getting seriously pissed off, partly because he'd been pursuaded by a tailor that walking around naked was a good idea and instead finding people laughing at his shrivelled grey conkers was not funny "Emperors new clothes my arse" he muttered. Also his bank account was in serious trouble and the senate were talking about taking over as he was making such a shit job of it all.

Messenger after messenger was sent to Egypt but no word came back - in fact no messenger came back. When they arrived, they were introduced to dusky maidens, or handsome young men, or camels depending on their persuasion and they had such a good time they forgot why they were there.

By now the Emperor was apoplectic with rage but his madness wasn't the wisest move as the senate had already decided that he was as mad as a pineapple and ordered his assassination. They all took turns in stabbing him, even his supposed best friend to which the Emperor could only say "Et tu Brute?" and fell on the ground with more holes in him than a teabag. Marc Anthony didn't care because he was having such a good time still in Egypt.

Thus ended the Second Age of Rome

13 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

> surely it would be impolite to ask a Queen for a blow job?

*mmm* Should never have to ask. A true Queen just gives. . .

Tippler dijo...

Always wondered about that line in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar - "et tu, Brute."

Well, it's the only Latin line in the whole friggin play. The rest of the time he speaks perfectly good English, then goes all dramatic just coz he's getting stabbed to death.

Pompous twat.

Anónimo dijo...

Therefore, the emperor did not like Cléopâtre, it sending a young éphèbe, and the! The magic operates, And since marc Antoine, the
antique Rome becomes the "Romantic" Morality, when one is riddled with debt! one does not turn the very back to his better friend!!

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> was wondering what you'd say to that one *winks*

Tippler -> couldn't agree more, he was fairly pompous all the way through, made me want to grab a knife and say "Soliloquise this"

Dip-Dop -> Romantic Morality - very nice, I like that a lot - would make a good song I venture

Tippler dijo...


Today we obviously came to bury Caesar, not to praise him. :-)

And Brutus is an honourable man etc.

As backstabbing twats go...

Mr. X dijo...

Now if they taught history like that in schools, We'd have paid more attention, and not sat there doodling and ogling a certain young lady's arse.

Well, possibly, anyway...

So when are you going to do the TV series 'History with the Goth', then? :)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tippler -> backstabbing twats - funny

Mr X -> thought I'd knock Stephen Hawkins off his perch first

A Goth History of Time

Past, Present, Future

*bows and exits*

Hill dijo...

You should teach history. Your version is so much better than the boring one taught in school.
The "asp" thingie was HILARIOUS!!!!

Aunty Marianne dijo...

I look at my three volumes of Gibbon's Decline and Fall, and I think to myself, why did I bother? Why?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Thankyou ladies,

Me teach history - now there's a thought IndiaGothalis Jones

Gibbons -? Funky Gibbons?

Final part tomorrow

SpanishGoth dijo...

oh, and Aunty M - you know the decline and fall can be treated now - think it's called Viagra :p

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

I can see this scene happening.

The emperor is drunk and he notices everybody picks up a knife.

He wonders why everybody has a knife when dessert is apple sauce.

As he tries to figure that out, they all gather around him.

How it would be funny if it was a Scarface theme. "I'm the Emperor! You fuck with me, you fucking with the best!"

But it wasn't.


SpanishGoth dijo...

Which gives me another idea - put away that sigh....I'm off on one again (will be next week when the series starts :)