viernes, abril 20, 2007

The Hitchhikers Guide to Goth Pt III

Arthur sat back in the deckchair, and sipped his Malibu cocktail as the two suns began to set over the sea. 'Well, if this is what it's like to be dead' he thought 'I can't see what anyone was worried about'. "3 billion to 1 against and dropping" a female voice announced from nowhere. Meanwhile, Goth was patiently waiting for Arthur to wake up and was busy reading some Nietsche - he knew there was no point in trying to work out what had happened. ONE second left to live and they'd been picked up by a spaceship. The odds of that occuring were so small that he didn't even know a word for something that miniscule.

Very soon, the female voice that announced what appeared to be odds (Goth had reasoned) said "20 to 1 against and falling" followed quite quickly by "Normality is resumed".

Arthur awoke with a start to see Goth sat opposite him, a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. 'I do wonder how Goth always manages to be in possession of these items' mused Arthur but said instead "Normality is resumed, but we're dead aren't we Goth?". Goth slowly shook his head, took a slug of Jack Daniels and offered the bottle to Arthur. "Erm, no thanks" replied Arthur - he remembered, relatively, what had happened, the last time he had drunk Jack Daniels and didn't want a repeat of that.

Goth blew a smoke ring which Arthur watched rise in the air and the repeated his question. Goth shook his head again - "Then where the bloody crikey are we?". "I think ... my little panicky friend" said Goth trying to phrase his statement in such a way as not to alarm Arthur (although he had a feeling, that probably wasn't really possible now). "I think ... " Goth paused for effect "that I have completely no bloody idea".

Just then the door opened and in walked a robot announcing in a deadpan voice "Well, I suppose you want to know where you are then?". 'What sort of a dumbass question is that?' thought Goth but said instead "Well, it would be rather helpful". The robot replied "Well, you know the thing about space is, it's really really big and...." Goth cut him off abrubtly "Look you sarcastic bastard, just tell us or take us to the captain of the ship". The robot looked down to where his toes would be, if he had any and said "Well, that is actually why I was sent here. Come on then, follow me" and turned to walk out of the room muttering "Here I am, brain the size of a planet and all I'm doing is fetching and carrying".

Goth had already decided he was going to ignore the robots sarcasm but he was eager to know who was in charge of this ship. If, he was correct, some rumour he had heard a while ago may well be true. Arthur just followed quietly, clutching his towel which he had found to be a surprisingly good comforter, especially after all that had happened recently.

The unlikely trio arrived at a doorway and the robot stopped. "We're here" announced the robot without any enthusiasm. The door opened and there stood a gorgeous platinum blonde who breezily came to greet them. "Hi" she said in a zingy, happy way "Welcome aboard. You were terribly lucky you know. I think we were running at about 45 billion to 1 against when we picked you up". Goth now knew which ship they were aboard and allowed himself a wry smile. Arthur hadn't got a clue where he was and quite frankly, was so past the point of caring, his brain didn't even know the way back.

"Goth Perfect" announced Goth and tipping his hat he bowed and kissed the womans hand in one sweeping move. "And the somewhat bemused fellow behind me is Arthur Bent". "Oh", said the woman blushing slightly "I'm Honey Allover". "I'm sure you are" said Goth in an appreciate voice making her blush even further "Your ship?" he inquired. "Oh no it's...." - before she could complete the sentence the door opened and a voice boomed "Honey, I'm home" followed by a slightly different voice "WE'RE home".

Arthur stood there with an open mouth before stammering "B b b but you've got two heads !!!". Unfortunately for Arthur, Arthur was the only one at all interested in this statement.

"Zed" declared Goth - "Goth is that you bro? - Zounders ! ! " and the two embraced like brothers, which by a quirk of fate they very nearly were. "How fucking improbable is that dude !" announced Zed rather than asking it. "Zed, sorry, Zaphod Beeblegoth, this is Arthur Bent". "So you came his with the King of Cool, the God of Fuck, the....well" both of Zaphods heads looked at each other for inspiration "My Bro?". Arthur just nodded meekly. This was all far too much for one day. He took the bottle of JD from Goths hand and took a deep swig.

"And this" said Zed, spreading all three arms in a 360 degree motion, "THIS is my ship - The Heart of Goth". "Powered by the Improbability Drive" interrupted Goth. "You bet your overactive chuds it is" said Zed "and this mother-fucker ROCKS. Come on I'll show you around. Honey, can you sort Fart out with a with a drink? He looks like he needs it".

Honey went to get the drinks but already her mind was racing 'God of Fuck - wow, am I going to find out why he got that name or what'. She'd felt a tingle when she first met Goth but now, the juices were really flowing. When they'd finished she handed a glass to Arthur and walked off to do more interesting things.

*to be continued*

16 comentarios:

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Zaphod was a bigger stud than Prefect, you've reversed the roles so you can get laid. Zaphod got the best line in the whole thing.

Insect receptionist: Mr Beelbebrox, sir, you're so weird you should be in the movies.

Beeblebrox: Yeah - and you, baby, should be in real life.

I'd like to see Beeblegoth top that.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Bloody crikey GB - I'm working from memory alone here, haven't read the books since a long time ago. Agree Zed was the coolest but, sadly not in all (and I certainly had no intention of Arthur Goth - sacriledge).

You suggested Beeblegoth - done
You suggest topping that line - er

*wanders off chewing fingernails*

Saffyre dijo...

Loving this. I'll stay tuned!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Hey Saffyre -> Welcome to Goth World

*Pours her a glass of wine and sits down to think*

zoe dijo...

hang on, i'm all female - i just checked.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Hmmm - woken up then have we? ;-)

(just thought I'd give you an easy comment dear, being hungover and all - those Pangalactic gargleblasters really hit the spot)

You Sick Bastard! dijo...

LOL at "I'm Honeyallover". She's a classy lady.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Indeed - she's very tasty ;-)

Mrs T. dijo...

thank you for the rose sir, and if you could pass this link onto the lovely lady..

SpanishGoth dijo...

*takes hat off and bows*

A rose for a lady is never too far a step for a Goth to take.

As for the link being passed on, it is done

*kisses Mrs T's hand and departs into the night*

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

I like the way you shoehorned James Bond into a totally different universe. I'm looking forward to the Goth treatment of Harry Potter, Oliver Twist, and Pride and Prejudice (Goth as Mr Darcy, presumably in tight leather breeches?).

I echo Mrs T's sentiments on the white long-stemmed rose, you are up there with Zaphod on the "smooth or what" front. Watch and learn, Tippler, Elaib, Brom Man (and his mate) and Co. (I exempt Quarsan as the poor man has enough to deal with).

SpanishGoth dijo...

I don't think shoe-horned is quite the phrase, more like smacked a square peg into a round hole with a very large hammer.

As for the rose, no problemo - enjoy :)

phoenix dijo...


SpanishGoth dijo...

Done !


bananas62 dijo...


SpanishGoth dijo...

It's a Goth thing - but the JD does help ;-)

*pours bananas a glass*