History of Rome - the Best Bits and The Last Bits

By now, Rome was the biggest city in the world and strange things started happening. The Bishop of Rome changed his name to the pope - pontificating twat - and the people of the city thought they were the best in the world. Obviously, this really pissed off the rest of the world - a bit like Bushy Twats america do now. People were not going to stand for this behaviour, some were lying down smoking joints saying "oh man, this like totally sucks dude".

First the Visigoths turned up. The Senate thought they had the situation in hand and so produced some pagan sacrifices. Even his dodgy popeness had agreed with this idea which was strange as it was against everything someone in his position should be advocating. The Goths just looked at the Romans, tutted, lit up a few spliffs and sacked the city (as in stole the best stuff, not fired the city, well they did set fire to some of it, but only the shit bits).

The people in the city panicked - they were used to shiny outfits and nice haircuts made by putting a bowl on your head and cutting round the rim - known as the 'bell-end' look. To see this hoard of long haired people all dressed in black terriffied them, so they did the Teletubbie thing and ran away.

The 'Temple of Romulus and Remus' was renamed the 'Basilica of Cosmas and Damian' because it sounded far more Gothic, and they didn't want to call it 'Grrrr' either. The 'Temple of All Gods' became the 'Church of All Martyrs' because that also had a far darker ring to it. But peace couldn't reign - the Visigoths were into the more melodic Goth sound whereas the Ostrogoths were convinced the roots of death metal should pervade. Once again fighting broke out and this became known as the Gothic Wars.

Yes, you read it right, THE GOTHIC WARS - how fucking cool is that. Simplistically, the Goths were pissed off, the 'bell-ends' had all run away crying to their mums and there were no Robert Smith sounds to placate the disparate Goths.

Eventually though, the wars ended as various Goths got married and had children and lots moved away from Italy because it had looked good in the brochures but the reality was too much pasta, not enough decent wine and a general lack of any decent music at all.

Meanwhile, in the Fatty-Can (oh yeah, they renamed it Vatican) the black look had caught on. Nuns were invented to walk around in black reciting poetry for no reason, fat priests were employed to talk bollocks, well mainly about their own bollocks and what they wanted to do with them, and the pope got a balcony - because he liked pigeons...and shit, well, maybe pigeon shit. Anyway, all traces of Goth were wiped away from the Infernal city and so they renamed it the Eternal city.

By the mid-thirteenth century, the people had got bored of pasta and so appointed Bolognese as the Senator and said "For fucks sake, do something with this pasta will you?" and he did, and it was good. As per usual, someone was not happy and said "But my bottys smelly" and someone else said "I know him, he paints ceilings and stuff" and so Bottysmelly came and painted the ceiling of the chapel, which took him a long time because he had a really small brush.

They invited new and exciting bands like Michael and the Angelos to come and perform, which everyone thought was a really stupid idea but all the Goths had left and they could have seen the potential of one. But Michael knew what he was doing and did lots of really funky shit which spaced people out. Then word got through to Spain and Phillip the second took over because Phillip the first was busy, or dead or something.

*note - told you it was the best bits - Spanish & Goth - Hoozah!!!!*

After that it all went down seven hills really.

Here endeth the History of Rome