miércoles, abril 04, 2007

History of Rome - the Best Bits and The Last Bits

By now, Rome was the biggest city in the world and strange things started happening. The Bishop of Rome changed his name to the pope - pontificating twat - and the people of the city thought they were the best in the world. Obviously, this really pissed off the rest of the world - a bit like Bushy Twats america do now. People were not going to stand for this behaviour, some were lying down smoking joints saying "oh man, this like totally sucks dude".

First the Visigoths turned up. The Senate thought they had the situation in hand and so produced some pagan sacrifices. Even his dodgy popeness had agreed with this idea which was strange as it was against everything someone in his position should be advocating. The Goths just looked at the Romans, tutted, lit up a few spliffs and sacked the city (as in stole the best stuff, not fired the city, well they did set fire to some of it, but only the shit bits).

The people in the city panicked - they were used to shiny outfits and nice haircuts made by putting a bowl on your head and cutting round the rim - known as the 'bell-end' look. To see this hoard of long haired people all dressed in black terriffied them, so they did the Teletubbie thing and ran away.

The 'Temple of Romulus and Remus' was renamed the 'Basilica of Cosmas and Damian' because it sounded far more Gothic, and they didn't want to call it 'Grrrr' either. The 'Temple of All Gods' became the 'Church of All Martyrs' because that also had a far darker ring to it. But peace couldn't reign - the Visigoths were into the more melodic Goth sound whereas the Ostrogoths were convinced the roots of death metal should pervade. Once again fighting broke out and this became known as the Gothic Wars.

Yes, you read it right, THE GOTHIC WARS - how fucking cool is that. Simplistically, the Goths were pissed off, the 'bell-ends' had all run away crying to their mums and there were no Robert Smith sounds to placate the disparate Goths.

Eventually though, the wars ended as various Goths got married and had children and lots moved away from Italy because it had looked good in the brochures but the reality was too much pasta, not enough decent wine and a general lack of any decent music at all.

Meanwhile, in the Fatty-Can (oh yeah, they renamed it Vatican) the black look had caught on. Nuns were invented to walk around in black reciting poetry for no reason, fat priests were employed to talk bollocks, well mainly about their own bollocks and what they wanted to do with them, and the pope got a balcony - because he liked pigeons...and shit, well, maybe pigeon shit. Anyway, all traces of Goth were wiped away from the Infernal city and so they renamed it the Eternal city.

By the mid-thirteenth century, the people had got bored of pasta and so appointed Bolognese as the Senator and said "For fucks sake, do something with this pasta will you?" and he did, and it was good. As per usual, someone was not happy and said "But my bottys smelly" and someone else said "I know him, he paints ceilings and stuff" and so Bottysmelly came and painted the ceiling of the chapel, which took him a long time because he had a really small brush.

They invited new and exciting bands like Michael and the Angelos to come and perform, which everyone thought was a really stupid idea but all the Goths had left and they could have seen the potential of one. But Michael knew what he was doing and did lots of really funky shit which spaced people out. Then word got through to Spain and Phillip the second took over because Phillip the first was busy, or dead or something.

*note - told you it was the best bits - Spanish & Goth - Hoozah!!!!*

After that it all went down seven hills really.

Here endeth the History of Rome

19 comentarios:

MKWM dijo...

Brilliant performance, Goth Master. Once again, I just loved those names of yours...

Tippler dijo...

So did I. Unfortunately BottySmelly didn't paint the chapel.

It was two other guys - Michael and Jello.

MKWM dijo...

Tippler, you smart arse, I just knew you'd point that out. At least this time, I kept my mouth shut. BottySmelly could have been painting another chapel than the famous 16th one, you never know.

Tippler dijo...

That will have been the 'Pristine' chapel rather then the 'Sistine', I suppose.

But I thought that was done by Canaletto and his friends.

No, I remember now - it was
just Juan Cornetto...

Drama Queen dijo...

Sorry witty or remarkable to say on your post.

No reflection on your post and more on my mood. Made me chuckle though. . .

Didn’t want to leave without saying hello.

So, er, hello.

Drama Queen dijo...

See what I mean. I meant NOTHING witty. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

"the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican Palace. Its decoration called on some of the most renowned artists of that age, including Mino da Fiesole, Sandro Botticelli, Domenico Ghirlandaio, Pietro Perugino, Luca Signorelli and Pinturicchio, and in the 16th century Michelangelo painted it with his famous masterpiece"

This is why I'm not a journalist - research......

And Michelangelo was a turtle anyway.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Minky -> Glad you liked it and you'll be glad you didn't fall into my cleverly laid trap - I never said Botticelli painted 'The Agony and the Ectasy' I said he was painting the ceiling

DQ -> being big or clever is not a requirement for being here - a smile will suffice my love :-)

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Doing the Borgias would be good next time. Why is it that bloggers never have a good word for the Roman Catholic church?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Biorgia Crikey GB - you don't sound at all ape-like. Could it be an ape-sense of the Conga? I could mistake you for a humane.

As for the Church...I rest my altar

MKWM dijo...

You can rest, Goth Master, after doing the Borgias or whatever blasphemous takes your fancy. I'll just have to light yet another candle and say a good word for you.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tx Minky but can't you just buy a chocolate egg these days? (and pray to St Cadbury of Cream or something...)

I know it's not Orthodox but it does seem very....well, chocolatty, in a Willie Wanker and his Choclate Fucktory way ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

Easy for you to say. You're both. Big AND clever that is.

And here's a :-)

MKWM dijo...

Chocolate eggs are not part of our traditions, hence no St Cadbury of Cream. But I will most certainly find an icon of the SSaint.

Tippler dijo...

"so Bottysmelly came and painted the ceiling of the chapel"

You were very specific there, Gothers.

The ceiling.

NO. HE. FOOKIN. DIDNT.

*goes 'nerrrr' and sticks out tongue*

SpanishGoth dijo...

It could have just been undercoat *pulls tongue out too and blows a raspberry*

Tippler dijo...

Ha ha. Let you off then :-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

WOOHOO *streaks out of the room*

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Cosmas and Damian went on to found a chain of hairdressing salons. I had a lovely blue rinse done last time I was in Rome.