viernes, abril 27, 2007

Life by Numbers

An interesting theory, obviously thought up by someone who has fuck all better to do with their time (should've done a blog bwahahahahaha). Anyway, the theory is that these muppets interviewed shit loads of people in the UK and then came up with these averages overall. So assuming you live to be the average age of 78, you will do the following (and no I didn't make this shit up):-

The average person, during their life, will:-

(in no particular order)

Eat 21 sheep
Consume 5,272 apples
Read 533 books
Open 854 tins of beans
Fart 35,815 litres of 'wind'
Drink 10,351 pints of beer
Cry 121 litres of tears
Smoke 77,000 cigarettes
Have sex 4,239 times

These are just a few of the numbers these saddos came up with. Now, my instinct initially was to question how relevant these numbers were to me. I'm glad they didn't say 'eat' apples cos that ain't gonna happen - but consume, ok as I can drink cider so that's ok. Books? fucking pissed that one years ago, 10 books a year - hmm, closer to 6 a month but that's another story.

How did they come up with measuring farts in litres? "Scuse mate, can you just fart in this bag we need to quantify it". Yeah, right.

Drink 10,351 pints - oops - bust that one already then but it's ok, I'm just helping the teetotallers out.

Sex? Well, assuming I wasn't a virgin, then I would just be helping the nuns out - they need a boost with their statistics.

And I can't help but wonder which ones are related. Have sex, fart, cry, smoke a cigarette and then drink. Logical progression really.

I will leave you with a few more 'choice' statistics and wish you all a beautiful weekend.

ala,
S

104,390 dreams
1,700 friendships made
4,239 rolls of arse-wipes (toilet roll) used
149 litres of vomit
629 christmas presents received
9.42 metres of hair grown

42 comentarios:

Drama Queen dijo...

OK let’s assume the average age to start shagging is 18 (protect my modesty). And you live to 78. Maybe stop having sex when you hit 65 (for the sake of not thinking of my grandparents doing it). Then that’s 47 years of sex. So lets minus a couple of years for dry patches, lets say 45 years of sex and if we have it 4,239 shags in a life time that means only 94 a year which is near enough once every four days. . .and which doesn’t allow for ‘that’ phase in relationships were you ‘do it’ all the time. I think that phase accounts for 4000 shags alone.

*pah* to those stats.

Thank God I am above average.

SpanishGoth dijo...

I am assuming therefore that you want to be one of the helpful peeps like me....in order to ensure the average seems reasonable, some of the 'workload' of those less fortunate has to be accounted for ;-)

phoenix dijo...

hey just stop rubbing it in that you lot are actually getting some, I'm in a bad bad mood already!!
oh and I was personally appalled by the average of 175 bottles of shampoo in a lifetime?? My well cared for tresses go through a bottle a week!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Perhaps you should get bigger bottles and stop nicking the baby ones from hotel rooms ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

You know just doing my bit to counteract the low stats. Got to maintain that average ;-)

And I totally missed the shampoo bit. I got stuck on the sex. Possibly because its in short supply at the moment. . .but not for long. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

oh and ONE good deed to do for the day.....GO HERE AND HELP CONNAH

phoenix dijo...

that is an average sized bottle cheeky,my hair is washed on a daily basis to get out the dirt from the headspinning in the breakdancing class ;-)

Cream dijo...

From these statistics I have worked out that you would:
Drink 4 pints a week from the age of 18
And have sex 1.5 times a week from the age of 16!
So this leads me to conclude that you only need just over 2½ pints to have sex. Two for you and half for your partner.

Very Dramatic!

As for the "litres" bit, are they on about wet farts?

SpanishGoth dijo...

I have an industrial size shampoo bottle (2 litres) - have to keep my hair nice so that I can keep the stats up too ;-)

Glad you took my advice - leave London (done), get rid of useless hubby (done), breakdancing classes (done) - now I demand you go and get a good seeing to LOL

SpanishGoth dijo...

Nice maths Cream:-

my statistics - 4 pints a day after 18:00

Sex - not saying, far too shy for that ;-)

but Mariposa does like girly drinks so maybe that's a start

Drama Queen dijo...

Oh but cream, you're allowing for the idea that people do it right up until they are 78. Which we know just doesn't happen.

*shudders*

phoenix dijo...

Believe me that is soooo next on the list!! there's only so much (or rather not so much) I can take.;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> Old people do 'do it' just really slowly and with lots of creaking

Phoenix -> if you need a hand - DOH - that's what you're trying to avoid

(naughty but, it is Friday)

Tippler dijo...

Once every four days?

Christ. Some bastards out there are being lazy, is all I can say...

Cream dijo...

Drama Queen, I hope I am still doing it when I am 78, even if it is on my own!

Like Woody Allen says:"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

MKWM dijo...

Goth Master, your good deed and the friendships made are the highlights here. Life is wonderful.

Have a lovely week-end, also kind regards to Mariposa xx

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

(I respect the order)

Is-this that, the sweaters in virgin wool count? For the sheep! Not for the sex,

Apple juice and the cider, would do well counts it if; I never had fallen in the apples being small (crabtree)

Read 533 Books, that does not do dear of the kilo!

Hectares! The fayots (beans) I had of this leguminous one, winds, a lot of winds, loosen stronger winds than of the cyclones (the fine theory of the steering wheel of the butterfly)

And well curious for the bibine (beer) I was completely pints that I never was able to do the accounts!

Of the appear rain -come from countries where it not pleu!!

Smoked 77.000 cigarettes?!?! Which account of apothecary!! I have not enough finger to hold as much cigarette butts!

Hectares! Here an interesting thing! is-this that I must stop myself right away?? I surpassed and by far count them!! sui I depending? There he has a method of sevrage? Or well an effective therapy?

Screwed-up statistics!!

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

Et très bon week end

Amicalement

SpanishGoth dijo...

Tippler -> ooooo hark at you now that you're back in the saddle again...

Cream -> best of luck and keep on cooking (or words that rhyme with)

Minky -> every little helps

Dip-dop -> holy shit, your comments longer than my post, mais bon weekend a toi aussi

Drama Queen dijo...

Dip Dop

> Smoked 77.000 cigarettes?!?! Which account of apothecary!! I have not enough finger to hold as much cigarette butts!

Ah ha ha har!!!!

Ariel dijo...

I really don't like lamb at all, unless it's in jumper format.

Mr. X dijo...

all of which just goes to prove that statistics are bollocks.

Especially the one about the books, we own more than 4x that many.

Although we're well down on the sex due to being a bit, ahem, a bit lacking in the looks and personality departments, and have a count of precisely 0 ciggies.

However we're well above average on the apples, beans, wind, beer, dreams, loo roll, vomit and hair.

Yes, we're a sad bastard.
Any questions?

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> Indeed and it also did not mention if the cigarettes were those of the herbal variety

Ariel -> Not keen on lamb either but I do like a nice bit of cow

Mr X -> one question immediately spring to mind - the well ahead on the hair bit? Your hair is over 10 metres long? You little rapunzel you

dip-dop-crabtree dijo...

What THAT THIS that I smoke?

I specify , Nepeta Chataire Herbe à chat !

To laugh even has the "mi aout "( miaou )

Do I smoke after love ? I do not think,But that THAT THIS that his heats!!

Et bon weekend à tous , Oh oui ! il faut en profiter de ce beau temps !!!

gddik dijo...

Those stats look a little flaky to me, if my own experience i anything to go by...

e.g Fart 35,815 - pathetic. I think I've done more than that this week alone (mind you, my diet of Slimfast(tm) and Ryvita(tm) probably isn't helping).

Thanks, BTW, for the mention of Connah's Appeal (Drama Queen alerted me to it).

Any chance you might promote it to a link in your sidebar? I'd be eternally gateful - so grateful as to pop a link to you in mine, so to speak. (see latest post on my site for details...)

Anyone else can feel free to do so, too, and will receive the same reciprocation.

Thanks!

petifilou dijo...

But I was single for years, so I had lots of dry patches!

*panics!!!!*

Where is my boyfriend? We have a lot to catch up on! I don't to be accused of dragging those figures down!

Forgive me if I don't blog for a while...

SpanishGoth dijo...

DipDop -> Ravi de savoir que tu te soucies de la bonne santé de tes chattes

Gddik -> Welcome and no problemo (I will raise the ante tomorrow slightly and will include a link). Not so sure about a perma-link here, there tends to be a lot of swearing in Goth World...

Peti -> dry patches? eek - perhaps you should upgrade to yoghurt ;-)
(good luck with your figure though)

gddik dijo...

Swearing? No worries, Goth...

We live in the real world, and in Connah's corner of it, acts of real kindness will speak far more loudly than a few swearies, I'm sure.

Permalink, please!

Rebecca dijo...

You are one of the funniest human beings I know. *winks*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Gddik -> Just didn't want you linking from Connah's Key (told you I was local) raising money site (very good thing) and then getting politically inept wankers complaining that it leads to a site where's there is swearing etc (bad thing, naughty Goth....)

Becca -> Not sure how to take that so I will just assume 'all-compliment' and hope it was a lovely ego stroke ;-) besos XXX

Shaz dijo...

Can you imagine how many hours the Pig had an orgasm for? Still stuck on the pig statstic here? Does the vomit come with the drinking statstic?

Aunty Marianne dijo...

OK, so I'm way ahead on books, but since I've been single most of my life, I am way behind on the sex.
I'd be quite happy to swap books for sex, but I'd have to scour my librarby for the few books I'd be prepared to part with, also it would have to be guaranteed good sex and not rough, inebriated fumbling.

All in all, I'm generally better off with a good book.

Mr. X dijo...

I regret I agree with Aunty - a good book is way preferable to crap sex. And you can have it whenever you want to without people saying anything behind your back.

As to the hair, it grows a lot. And grows. And grows. Which is a pain, but infinitely better than being a slaphead.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Shaz -> stuck...pig..? sounds good enough for a catchphrase although I'm not quite sure where the pig thing started.....

Aunty M -> Bollocks! Not in a nasty way I mean just that it means I have to go and weave another Gothic spell (did one for Minky and now she spends more time in bed than blogging - and I don't mean sleeping....the spells work :)

Mr X -> Sex is what you make it but I believe the old adage 'practice makes perfect' - one of the few fucking times I agree with that one. As for 'infinitely better than being a slaphead' - WE totally agree, being folically challenged not really an issue in Goth World

mutleythedog dijo...

There are no stats there for like dope and crystal and stuff....????Thats oddd....I've been catching my farts all day in like litre bottles and - my question is how do I know if they are full?? Any scientist can help?

mutleythedog dijo...

I am up for helping Aunty M out on the sex front... its best to try to be normal Aunty.

kimmyk dijo...

sheep? what?? eat 21 sheep?? oh no.

what the hell goes on over there?

mutleythedog dijo...

149lites of vomit??? This must take into account all those bulimics and stuff either that or they are fucking mad

SpanishGoth dijo...

HA - deserve all you get, you bunch of reprobates....

Shaz dijo...

Goth this is where the pig came from . . .http://gffreebushtelegraph.blogspot.com/2007/04/well-i-never.html#links

SpanishGoth dijo...

AHA - (not the shite scandinavian band, but an exclamation)

30 minutes for an orgasm - that's why pork is so tasty then..... Happy Meat ;-)

SpanishGoth dijo...

Ha - bollocks - going to comment to myself as this then becomes comment number 42 - the answer to life, the universe and everything