Sports Or Sex?

So, whilst peacefully minding my own business the other day, I overheard a conversation at the bar.

Firstly, it must be pointed out that I was there watching football. However, that was with the pre-agreement from Mariposa who doesn't actually appreciate me swearing at TV for (in her opinion) no apparent reason.

Anyway, the conversation went something like this:-

"So, come on Mr Barman. Which would you choose? Watching football or sex?"
"It depends on the game, but if it was the Champions League Final with my team playing, and Cameron Diaz turned up wanting a shag - I'd say 'Get out of the way of the fucking TV woman' "
"See, I told you" said one of the desperate housewives "Men prefer football to sex!"

I was tempted to intervene and point out that you could, in theory, watch football whilst having sex but decided discretion was the better part of valour.

In reality, if I was married to any of those harpies, I think I would opt for football any time - bloody hell, even crown green bowling would be preferable.

At half time (in the football match) I began to think back to various articles I have read about what crosses peoples minds whilst they are in the act of fornicating (shagging, to those of you without a dictionary). I recall some bloody strange things that people have thought about.

I would name a few but I thought that before polluting your minds I would let you answer.

Thus, get thinking - the strangest thing to cross one's mind whilst having sex?!!!

Life by Numbers

An interesting theory, obviously thought up by someone who has fuck all better to do with their time (should've done a blog bwahahahahaha). Anyway, the theory is that these muppets interviewed shit loads of people in the UK and then came up with these averages overall. So assuming you live to be the average age of 78, you will do the following (and no I didn't make this shit up):-

The average person, during their life, will:-

(in no particular order)

Eat 21 sheep
Consume 5,272 apples
Read 533 books
Open 854 tins of beans
Fart 35,815 litres of 'wind'
Drink 10,351 pints of beer
Cry 121 litres of tears
Smoke 77,000 cigarettes
Have sex 4,239 times

These are just a few of the numbers these saddos came up with. Now, my instinct initially was to question how relevant these numbers were to me. I'm glad they didn't say 'eat' apples cos that ain't gonna happen - but consume, ok as I can drink cider so that's ok. Books? fucking pissed that one years ago, 10 books a year - hmm, closer to 6 a month but that's another story.

How did they come up with measuring farts in litres? "Scuse mate, can you just fart in this bag we need to quantify it". Yeah, right.

Drink 10,351 pints - oops - bust that one already then but it's ok, I'm just helping the teetotallers out.

Sex? Well, assuming I wasn't a virgin, then I would just be helping the nuns out - they need a boost with their statistics.

And I can't help but wonder which ones are related. Have sex, fart, cry, smoke a cigarette and then drink. Logical progression really.

I will leave you with a few more 'choice' statistics and wish you all a beautiful weekend.

ala,
S

104,390 dreams
1,700 friendships made
4,239 rolls of arse-wipes (toilet roll) used
149 litres of vomit
629 christmas presents received
9.42 metres of hair grown