miércoles, abril 11, 2007

Nannageddon

Oh the perils of growing old. Statiscally, well according to life insurance companies anyway, a womans life expectancy is four years more than a mans. They cite many factors for this but I think it's just that men give up earlier where as the granny brigade keep on marching. No way is granny giving up on her blue rinse and bingo just because the Grim Reaper comes to get them. You can just see him gathering all the OAP's up in a group and saying "Come on follow me" and the old people duly fall into line.

Arriving at the halls of death the Reaper is faced with Death himself and proudly says "Look Master, how many I reaped this time" to which Death replies, "Very good - but why aren't there any women?". The Reaper turns around looking astonished and pleads "But they were there - I had a load of them". Unbeknown to the Reaper, the women had spotted a Bingo hall and nipped in to try and win some furry slipper boots. The men meanwhile, grateful for the peace and quiet had just followed the Reaper.

So now we are left with a surplus of crotchety old hells grannies and with no men of the same age to pick on, they turn their venom on the rest of society. Too many times, poor helpless muggers are poked in the eye with an umbrella or beaten half to death with a handbag full of coins in case they pass a tea room. "Queue? Not me dear I'm old and frail my dear but if you want to hear the story about Aunt Enids colostomy bag in vivid technicolour, please, feel free to complain about me pushing in".

As the population differential continues to grow, we head towards the end of the world - Nannageddon. The world as we know it replaced by knitted park benches where grannies sit around burbling nonsense and encouraging pigeons to gather in flocks and attack children. Cats will multiply as Mrs Miggins and her pack of OAT's (Old Age Terrorists) have lost track of how many strays they have brought home - it got boring counting them after 30. There will be an overwhelming smell of Lavender everywhere and sports will cease to exist - can't have those silly young men running around in shorts.

TV programmes will change, Songs of Praise will be on every day for 6 hours followed by Antiques programmes where grannies come along and try to look genuinely surprised when there family silver is valued at 2000 pounds while actually thinking "Oooh just think of all the scones I could bake with that money". Sex will be outlawed as will provocative music, dancing or clothes.

The only way to avoid Nannagedon will be to create bogus Saga holidays with the promise of free knitting classes, jam tastings and Bingo. Once a group is assembled, the driver will have to provide the supreme sacrifice and drive the coach over a cliff, or crash his boat into an iceberg. That way, the granny-culling can help to rebalance the population and the Reaper won't be fired from his job after all.

You heard it here first.....

28 comentarios:

Teeny dijo...

Nannageddon - snort.

You truly are an evil genius.

Drama Queen dijo...

Women's live expectancy is four times more than a man!!! Pull your hand away from there and stop fiddling with your stats. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

I'm not evil - just misunderstood

live expectancy four times more - no chance. There's far more male bands than female. And I'm not fiddling with my stats, it's just the way I'm sitting

Drama Queen dijo...

I re-read it. You said four more years, not times. Or maybe you just did a sneaky edit. I've warned you about that too, haven't I?

# tut, tut #

And yes I meant life. . .I'm a retard when I sneak comments quickly at work, you should have dealt with it by now.

X

SpanishGoth dijo...

No sneaky editing - many years a go, in a galaxy far away I used to sell insurance and premiums are weighted female age = male age - 4

I've dealt with it - just meant I could change direction ;-)

Gorilla Bananas dijo...

Aren't you a bit behind the times here? The coming generation of grannies would have been part of the free love 60s generation. They'll be on HRT and looking for younger men.

Cream dijo...

I have a feeling that Saga will be the new 18-30s...
Can't wait to be a rep!

SpanishGoth dijo...

GB -> Thanks for clearing that up - the fact that they will all be in Virginia is of great relief to me - you did mean that HRT I take it

Cream -> a rep, for 18-30? I'd rather sew my head to the carpet...

Drama Queen dijo...

I always thought it stood for Hostage Rescue Team.

A service for men faced with lifetime (minus 4) with women of a 'certain age'.

PI dijo...

I used to think men's earlier demise was due to more carousing, fags and alk, but now with sons and grand sons my sympathies have changed and I feel even in this day and age men bear the larger responsiblity which takes it's toll. Women's libbers shoot me down in flames but I stand by conclusions based on many years observance.
PS If you can keep your hips , knees and marbles when all around are losing theirs you'll be on HRT my son! Apologies to Kipling!

Mr Farty dijo...

*whispers* Mrs Farty is now officially an OAT. Spot on, lad!

Hill dijo...

The world would be a boring place without your take on the absurdities.
Hilarious stuff, dude.
Oh, and question. People still actually play Bingo? I thought that was a fairy tale invented to scare little children.

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> Many acronyms will work but only some are injectable

Pat -> Funny my love, and no apologies to Kipling required as I have eaten all his cakes

Mr F -> If you get me into trouble with Mrs F I shall ban all beans in your neck (of the woods)

Hill -> Tx and do people still play Bingo? - like I should fu*king know?!

kimmyk dijo...

OMG, I had to volunteer at Bingo last Saturday and let me tell you-those can be some hateful bitches if you stand in their way.

I believe if it comes down to dieing with their man or dobbing up some papers, those blue haired ladies will cut their man and let him bleed.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

I was about to make the point until GB got their first - my generation of OATs is more likely to be waving their lighters at the Nth Stones farewell concert and working out how much dope they can score on their pension (it's good for arthritis apparently) than knitting and playing bingo. Your images of old ladies are obviously from watching too much "Last of the Summer Wine", dear Goth. Think Helen Mirren, not Nora Batty. Then the idea of a world overrun by old(er) women might not seem so horrific.

And (ahem) you're not exactly a spring chicken yourself, old boy.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Kimmy -> I've seen them in action - they can be deadly with knitting needles or hatpins at fifty metres - all you can see is the eyes turn red behind horn-rimmed spectacles

Daffers -> I did point out about the 'powder-in-the-nose' gang on your blog. My images of the old bats are mainly from Gare Central and in GB or Del Haize

oh, and in Goth World, I'm 21 thankyou and my IQ is too ;-)

Drama Queen dijo...

*shucks* I thought I was being witty!

WAS HAS BLOGGER GONE INTO A DIFF LANGUAGE? EVERY BLOG I GO TO. . .

IS IT JUST ME?

SpanishGoth dijo...

DQ -> you were but I wittied your butt *grins* (and a jolly nice butt it is too)

Language settings on PC - browser will take default language unless you over-ride it

Drama Queen dijo...

But how is it changed? Everything else is in English. . .only blogger is different. . .

How do I fix it?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Which language has it changed to and what is the default language of your PC?

Drama Queen dijo...

"Laat een reactie achter"

Is what I am seeing for 'leave a comment'. So I am thinking Dutch. . .

Everything else I see is in US English except blogger.

Email me, save taking over your comments. I know some people don't like that. . .*wink wink*

SpanishGoth dijo...

My comments and I'll do what I bloody well want to *lights a huge spliff and opens a bottle of JD*

Drama Queen dijo...

Well don't be greedy, give me a drink too. . .

SpanishGoth dijo...

Saved Champagne for you my love but you're more than welcome to JD if you prefer *offers her both glasses*

SpanishGoth dijo...

Internet Options (drop down from Tools menu) 3rd button along Languages - add English and move it to the top

Drama Queen dijo...

Mmm. Now back to my language problem. I like a man who gets his hands dirty.

*sits back and watches Goth at work*

Drama Queen dijo...

Been there, done that. . .its already at english.

Sorry.

SpanishGoth dijo...

The only other things I can think of are:-

1 your server location is in the Flemish part of Belgium and Blogger is trying to be clever assuming you want Flemish/Dutch

2 you have a cookie/temp internet file it's referencing