So, it was all going pretty good for the Romans. They'd invaded countries and invented taxes for those countries to pay for all the grapes and wine they'd been scoffing. The world stood in awe of the Roman armies because they had shiny armour and funky liitle sandals with straps on which really were setting the fashion across Europe. The barabrian hordes had no way to combat the highly efficient war tactics of the romans.
The Roman Empire grew, a bit like the Empire did in Star Wars, and the Emperor grew old and his skin turned a funny colour so he demanded that his face be placed on the coins and a lot of artists were executed for creating images where the Emperor didn't look cool as fuck and sexy. Unfortunately, whilst this was happening, the Egyptians, under Cleopatra weren't paying their taxes because this all went on Cleopatras beauty treatment - which apparently was really bloody good. The Emperor decided to send his favourite general to go and sort the cheeky bint out and thus Mark Antony was summoned.
"What I want you to do my young apprentice" hissed the Emperor in his gravelly voice "is bring her back to the dark side" and slammed his fist on the table squashing a couple of grapes (which he thought made him look tough). "Yes my Emperor" replied Mark Anthony, thinking it would be nice to have a holiday in Egypt as he'd always wanted to see the pyramids. Off Mark Anthony trotted to pack his flip flops and swimming trunks.
Some time later, he arrived in Egypt, where they were all walking like Egyptians. The Romans set up their tents on the banks of the Nile, had a few camel rides and some ice cream before Mark Anthony went to meet Cleopatra and tell her that the Emperor was really, really pissed off and wanted his money. Awaiting his audience with the Queen he rehearsed what he was going to say, and how he was going to put the fear of the dark side of the force into her. As he was ushered into the Great Hall of Anubis he kept a hand tightly gripped on his sword as the doormen looked a bit big and tough.
Then he saw Cleopatra and he forgot completely what he was going to say "Holy shit" was all he could mutter "now I definitely wouldn't kick her out of bed". Cleopatra smiled knowingly as the bulge in Mark Anthony's little Roman dress started to rise. "And what can I do for you my messenger of the Emperor?" she asked. Mark Anthony tried to clear the images of what he wanted out of his mind - surely it would be impolite to ask a Queen for a blow job?
It didn't really matter as Cleopatra had already decided that it was time she had a good ravaging, and Mark Anthony certainly rang her bell. "Would you like to see my asp?" asked Cleopatra - "WOO HOO" shouted Marc Anthony thinking his luck was in. Then he found out that an asp was actually a snake and not her maj's glorious butt cheeks.
But his luck was in and they embarked on a passionate affair where they tried to mimic all the sexual positions painted on the walls of the pyramid.
Back in Rome, the Emperor was getting seriously pissed off, partly because he'd been pursuaded by a tailor that walking around naked was a good idea and instead finding people laughing at his shrivelled grey conkers was not funny "Emperors new clothes my arse" he muttered. Also his bank account was in serious trouble and the senate were talking about taking over as he was making such a shit job of it all.
Messenger after messenger was sent to Egypt but no word came back - in fact no messenger came back. When they arrived, they were introduced to dusky maidens, or handsome young men, or camels depending on their persuasion and they had such a good time they forgot why they were there.
By now the Emperor was apoplectic with rage but his madness wasn't the wisest move as the senate had already decided that he was as mad as a pineapple and ordered his assassination. They all took turns in stabbing him, even his supposed best friend to which the Emperor could only say "Et tu Brute?" and fell on the ground with more holes in him than a teabag. Marc Anthony didn't care because he was having such a good time still in Egypt.
Thus ended the Second Age of Rome