What Would Gandalf Do?

I remember reading this is one of those articles for indecisive people in one of those crap magazines that purvey this nonsense - "In such and such a situation, try to think what would Gandalf do?". Now I'm no expert on Lord of the Rings, but I'm pretty sure the answer is 'twat you on the head with his staff'. I'm not really sure how this is supposed to help people to make decisions effectively, or even remotely help those who couldn't decide what to do if their arse was on fire.

In the first place, Gandalf wouldn't do anything because he's a fictional character. Every aspect of his decision making was scripted by a little professor sitting in his crystal cage at Oxford University.

I know what Gandalf would do if he was a Goth - and the reason I know this is because I played one of those boring text-role-play games on a very early BBC Micro (computer). The conversation went something like this:-

Gandalf - Bilbo has approached and suggested we take the left fork on this road, what do you want to do?
Reply - Kill Bilbo
Gandalf - Are you sure? Y/N
Reply - Absofuckinglutely YYYYY
Gandalf - Bilbo has disappeared in a ball of flames and is no use to you now

*out loud* "Good, the little fucker was annoying the shit out of me anyway, burbling on about his travels and crap"

Obviously, the Gothic film version of the substantial trilogy would be a lot shorter - in fact, probably shorter than the trailer. But at least you would know all the annoying little gits were dead and you would have made informed, if somewhat cruel, decisions.

So, for all you indecisive people out there, I suggest you either think - What Would the Gothic Gandalf do?

or alternatively

don't buy magazines that have inane drivel as their articles - and there's a fucking lot out there, my little Gothic Space Cadets.

Lord of the Squares

It's kind of like Lord of the Rings but different in so far as it doesn't involve Elves, hobbits or trees that talk - ooh, and it has nothing to do with rings really.

Goth has a penchant for being awkward - well, damn right bloody stubborn if the truth is told. If the fashion is to have short hair, tough shit - Goth will be having long hair then. The fact that Goth can grow hair is just a testimony to the raging hormones, bubbling like a cauldron beneath the surface. Although, it could also be that Goth can't be arsed to go to a hairdresser.

Goth doesn't like 'popular' music. Who said it was popular? The mother fuckers who wanted to sell the shit, that's who. Music is an expressive art form that transcends boundaries, cultures and other clever stuff. Kylie Minogue fucking about and shaking her arse is not music. When was the last time you saw her play a musical instrument? - exactly!!! Never.

Goth likes to, and knows how to read - and not the pulp fiction that is tossed at him by some wanker who wants to get rid of shit books. Reading is good for the soul and expands the mind - it's also very handy when you're stuck in shitty places like airports, or planes or generally don't want to talk to the person next to you as they are full of shit.

Goth likes art and museums. Not because they're full of 3 million year old dinosaur bones but because they allow one to learn and become erudite (ha, bet you have to go and look that fucker up). Seriously, one can learn an awful lot from venturing into these crusty places inhabited by middle-aged women with no lives - well, they had to get the security from somewhere.

Goth hates marriage. Some pontificating twat decides that they have the divine ability to screw with 2 peoples lives. Boll-fucking-ucks. If you love someone, that should be good enough and if not, find someone else. Marriage is just the states way of defining what you can or can't do. But hey, you get tax breaks if you get married. DOH. I get tea breaks if I work (and it's cheaper).

Goth doesn't do mornings. Not that Goth doesn't like mornings - It's a fine time to go to bed. It's not that Goth can't get up, Goth doesn't want to. Goth likes the darkness - a good thing as people can't see how ugly he can be.

Generally, in the darkness, all the muppets have fucked off to try and get laid in discos or train stations and thus the conversation goes beyond "Whoa, look at the tits on her - I bet she goes" ... Goes where? Is she a taxi driver?

Anyway, mornings are full of boring things like breakfast and coffee and orange juice. Oh, and beer tastes shit in the morning.

So, Goth has decided to become Lord of the Squares - this entails, not being Lord of the Rings, at all, ever. Go and take your sad-arse somewhere else.

What else should Goth condemn???