The Lost Sheep

So, according to The Burble, JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Lost Sheep.

Normally, I would have a look at the parable, paraphrase it partially and take the piss out of it. On this occassion though, it's so bloody idiotic to start with that I'm a bit lost myself.

The parable concerns a shepherd who has exactly 100 sheep. What the fuck he's doing with that exact number is a mystery but, suffice to say, the shit-for-brains shepherd loses 1 of them. Not 3 or 4, just 1 of them.

In itself so far, not a problem but that's when it starts to get a bit weird. He leaves the remaining 99 and goes off in search of the 1. Why? Is he fucking stupid? Even if he finds the missing ONE, by the time he gets back surely another 10 or 20 will have done a runner!

The Law Of Averages states that this should happen and thus the moron deserves to lose more than he will gain but, oh no, he has to go and find the missing ONE sheep.

Does he expect that the others will sit there quietly discussing how best they'd like to be cooked?

And then, just when you think that the tale can't get any more fucked up, according to the Gospel of Thomas (107), the shepherd says to this lost sheep, when he finds it.... 'I love you more than the other ninety-nine.'

Oh well that fucking explains it then. So the moral to the story is?.... see if you can guess?!

The Prodigal Son

So, according to 'The Burble', JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Prodigal Son....

The Parable

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away - well, ok it was in the Middle East - some bloke has 2 sprogs. He explains that he will divide his inheritance equally between the two. However, the younger one is a bit of a Paris Hilton and demands the money right there and then - as they hadn't invented credit cards yet.

As soon as he has got the money, the biblical Paris fucks off and spends the lot on Wine, Women and Song (which seems fair enough to me). Eventually though, he has spent all the money and has to get a job looking after pigs - kind of a forerunner to working in McDonalds.

Pretty soon, he's sick of it and goes back home to daddy pleading for mercy and apologising for being a complete arse.

His father instructs the older brother to go out and kill a cow. The older brother is well pissed off about this and starts to complain but the father says "Just do as I ask and you'll understand".

Later, the three sit down and the father explains that all he possesses belong to the older son now "But" he says "Look what we have got to celebrate the fact that you have returned to us".

The father uncovers the plate and the older son starts to laugh.

"Not another fucking kebab!!!" says the younger brother "That's is so NOT fucking funny"

What did JC mean by this?

Who gives a shit really?! Don't spend all your money else all you will get is kebabs? Maybe?! - it seems hazily familiar when I didn't have enough for a taxi home too.

But they didn't have taxis back then, they rode asses - and my ass is exit-only.

Confusing? Welcome to 'The Burble'

The Good Samaritan

So, according to 'The Burble', JC and his Sunshine Gang used to go around telling tales with a meaning to them. One of such Parables was that of The Good Samaritan.

Apparently, it was so popular that people believed that the shit actually happened. Fortunately, some good Samaritans, created a website and they even have their own telephone number.

Now, as the four gospels didn't even agree with each other, welcome to the Fifth Element - The Gospel According To Goth....

The Parable

A lawyer went to see JC and being a smartarse (as all legal twats are) he tried to catch JC out.

"So, how can I live forever then?" the lawyer asked.

JC thought about it and gave the usual answer about saying that his dad was really great and if you love everyone, especially your neighbour, then you would be cool and all the little flowers would be happy.

The lawyer knew the law about adultery and divorce settlements but wanted to make sure he had as big a market share as possible.

"AHA" he said, "But what if my neighbour is a right fat scrubber who smells like a badgers arse?"

JC sat back, took a huge hit from his spliff and then said....

"Dude, a man from Jean City is walking down a street when he gets attacked by poisonous dwarves. Shortly afterwards, a priest walks past and crosses to the other side leaving him bleeding. Five minutes later, a guy from Levi Street does the same thing. Finally, a fat scrubber walks past, tends to his wounds and takes him to the hospital. Who was truly the man's neighbour?"

"Well, as you haven't mentioned the residential status of the priest or the scrubber" replied the anally-retentive, and thus qualified, lawyer, "By reason of elimination, it should be the one who lives in Levi Street. It would be far too obvious for a jury to figure out the obvious and then the defendant wouldn't need me"

"Oh for fucks sake you muppet!!" said an exasperated JC " - it's the scrubber because she looked after him. Therefore, if you go and do likewise you will live forever".

"So I can eat as many pies as I want and be dead big and fat" said the lawyer, "As long as I help idiots who have been mugged by dwarves?"

At which point the Sunshine Gang gave the lawyer a bloody good hiding.

They also left instructions for the Gospel writers to change the names of the characters to make them more believable, apart from JC and the lawyer, who everyone agreed was a cunt anyway.