viernes, enero 11, 2008

Five Reasons To Have A Bible

Following on from the previous posting I started thinking about what possible use one could have for carrying a copy of the bible with you. Obviously, you could, in theory, read it, but it's so bloody boring.

Anyway, most of the people who preach about it haven't actually read it in the first place so that can't be a reason to carry it around - except for revision (which there seems to be plenty of).

Apparently, it's the most 'stolen' book in the world. Personally, I think that has a helluva lot to do with the fact that they leave free ones in hotel rooms. I can't quite figure out why anyone would want to steal one from a hotel - it doesn't actually prove that you've been to The Savoy or anything - just have away with the towels and robes if they have them.

Anyway, on with the list:-

5) - Discovering a Level. There are few things more annoying than a table or chair with one leg that's not quite long enough. Why waste perfectly good beer mats trying to solve the problem if you can rip something out of your trusty bible and level the surface?!

4) - Stairway To Heaven. A handy little boost for reaching things that are just out of reach. Of course, the shorter you are, the more copies you need to lug around.

3) - Self Preservation. Annoying little bastards that the God Squad are, they sometimes take to the streets to convert shoppers into believers. A nice solid THWACK around the head from the book usually clears a path.

2) - Finding The Light. If, as a smoker, you find yourself at home with no means of lighting your cigarette/spliff and only an electric hob - fear not. Tear out a page, carefully fold lengthwise and press against one ring switched on full. Within seconds - fire. Fucking genius eh?!

1) - Cleansing R Soul. You could suddenly feel an 'intruder in your valley', rush to a public convenience and then discover there is no toilet paper left. Just tear out a few pages from the book, and cleanse. Revelations my arse - so to speak.

As per usual, I'm sure there are some that I missed out so, over to you.

11 comentarios:

kimmyk dijo...

Oh dear I was right there with ya til I got to the part about lighting it on fire to smoke a doobie. I think that my dear friend might getcha a ticket to hell first class.

Yeah why do they put that in a hotel room? Is that for the people who pay by the hour ya know, so they feel a little guilty about the sin they're about to commit if in deed it is a sin?

Decoration is another use. Especially if it's one of those old really cool catholic versions. Those rock!

Cream dijo...

The Bible's got many money saving recipes...
Can you imagine the gross profit margin on five loaves and two fish!

As for turning water into wine I knew a barman who did it religiously before every shift...

Tom dijo...

How about hanging onto one just to point out what a complete load of old toss it is? For example:

Exodus 20:13 Thou shalt not commit murder.

Exodus 32:27 Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, put every man his sword by his side...and slay every man his brother...

Thou shalt not kill. Unless I say so. Or something. Whatever.

Ché l'écossais dijo...

As a level +70xp gnome in Genesis, I can vouch for the validity of the Good Book.

It's more powerful than the Sacred Sword of Leviathae, yet weighs slightly less.

It's also a hand weapon, to hit level 15 gollums and sundry level 55 American politicians with.

It's nothing compared to the American Constitution, of course, but far easier to come by, being not a rare artifact ( you can pick one up in any motel down in Morthretham ).

Gotta go - need to kill loads of dwarfs in Ih-Raghh, we need their mystical power.

Che,
the Ohgram of Buhll-Gheat.

Ché l'écossais dijo...

On a secondary thingy ...

The bible saved my ass many a time.

Really thin paper - and here is me with nought to skin-up with.

D'oh - nothing quite as fun as smoking sweet sweet weed out of the fucked up religious bullshit of someone elses messed up vision of ethics.

Heh !

SpanishGoth dijo...

Kimmy -> we don't smoke 'doobies' over here. Shit - you tried sending us the Doobie Brothers and we sent them right back. As for hell - better than having angels whingeing about how great everything is

Cream -> indeed - those tuna butties don't half go around eh?

Tom -> you want me to believe that the bible is a crock of shit? surely not.....

Che -> 'Ohgram of Buhll-Gheat'??? you're not creating synergy with the evil Bill Gates are you?

SusannahS dijo...

Have I told you about the time I met "God"? I was volunteering in a soup kitchen last fall, except we were serving breakfast so perhaps it was more of a donut kitchen? Anyway, this gigantic mountain of a man with Charley Manson eyes came in and started talking about the trials of being "God" and how his friend Moses took all the animals on the ark and many other things which, thanks to my education a la penguins, I knew were not bona fide Bible stories. He looked at me and said "Well, it's been a long time since I wrote all that down. You can't expect me to remember it all perfectly!"
So apparently even "God" doesn't see much use for it.

Ariel dijo...

Swatting extra large mosquitoes?

SpanishGoth dijo...

Susanna -> wow - Nuns and Manson in the same answer. I'm sure Marilyn would be enthralled ;-)

Ariel -> why would you want to swat mozzies? Blood sucking little parasites from hell have just as much right to live as...

Keith dijo...

I was waylaid by one of those Born Again Dickheads in the stret. He stopped me and, waving his bible under my nose, asked "Do you know why Brian, sorry, I mean Jesus, died on the cross?"

"Yes" I said, "Because some fucking bastard nailed him to it!"

I thought he was going to have a seizure, he went very red and started gabbling words like "Heretic", "Unbeliever", "Cunt!" etc.

SpanishGoth dijo...

Keith -> nice one - wish I could have been there for that one :)