domingo, enero 20, 2008

GOD Wanted

So apparently the big wizzardy one has fucked off leaving a right mess behind him. Therefore, applications for the vacant position of GOD are now requested.

As an equal opportunity employer, Heaven Inc. will accept applications from any retard that makes a better job of the USA, makes 'tolerance' and 'religion' fit into the same sentence and explains what the fuck a 'duck-billed platypus' is, without alcohol or drugs.

This role is only temporary, but could possibly lead to a permanent position in the future/past or present tense.

Required Skills
  • Omnipotence - the ability to be everywhere, all at the same time, without needing a timetable, map or compass
  • Inventiveness - to create stuff that creatures didn't know they needed, like Marmite, pineapples and things that go "woooo"
  • An absence of logic - for example, giving kangaroos pouches for shopping, no credit cards, big tails and a propensity to jump, like rabbits on acid
  • Facial Hair - beards are very good for marketing purposes - unless you are female and like marrying your own relatives
  • Bullshitability - covering your arse with phrases that mean nothing, except to the 'believers' who can't check owt

References - must be from other Gods but only those who have an entry in Wisdens Almighty Almanac.
Remuneration - will be provided in the form of large groups of idiots building temples and singing your praises.
Closing Date for applications - the day before all the shit really kicks off - otherwise known as Armadillo Day.

Please forward all applications to PO Box 666, Godsville, Heaven.

17 comentarios:

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

Erm, apart from the facial hair that sounds just like my boss ... if smoking in a non-smoking building and pissing off everyone on the floor isn't a sign of a God delusion, what is?

kimmyk dijo...

oh dear. i work with a few doctors that have a god like complex-one though i'm not sure she has a beard but i'll take a closer look on tuesday.

lookin forward to the explanation of the platypus though.

john.g. dijo...

Shit,Goth, we could do that job between us! Piece of piss!

SpanishGoth dijo...

Daphne -> perhaps she just shaves a lot?

Kimmy -> it's what happens when you're in a hurry to stick to the create the world in 7-days brag

JG -> we should start making a list of what to zap first ;-)

( . )( . ) dijo...

Sounds like a job I might be good at :P

....You Sick Bastard dijo...

What's the point, I'd end up getting fired for getting high at the job or accidently pushing people too many times off the heavenly cloud.

PI dijo...

She? It has to be a man- doesn't it?

Stacie dijo...

Well that leaves me out...I can't go anywhere without my GPS...dang..I had all the other ones nailed too!

Anónimo dijo...

I already look a bit like Buddha - do I get the job?

Victor Mildew dijo...

Talking of facial hair, my ex-wife once asked me to grow a moustache. I said "Why do you want us to look the same?".

I think she would be a good applicant for the position of God. She is fucking useless, doesn't give a shit about anybody, and thinks that Tony Blair was the best thing since Ben Hur! She's half way there anyway; she thinks she IS god. Trouble is she couldn't take up the position straight away. She is still breathing.

Daphne Wayne-Bough dijo...

If you're quick, you can try the New Statesman weekly competition - they want extracts from a 21st-century management consultant’s report on heaven or hell – suggesting, for example, stricter demarcation of functions between cherubim and seraphim, or a reduction in the number of pits in hell from seven to four. Max 125 words by 24 January to

SpanishGoth dijo...

(.)(.) -> but having those 'girly-limps' wouldn't you want to be a Goddess?

YSB -> nobody said you had to be good - the previous incumbent made a right hash of things

Pat -> not in my opinion my dear

Stacie -> never liked GPS's anyway

Tom -> well, I didn't like to say anything....

Victor -> the 'still-breathing' thing is quite an easy fix ;-)

Daphne -> sounds interesting - might give it a bash (oo er)

john.g. dijo...

Goth, brilliant idea! You and me ruling the world!
Now, what to zap?

1, Churches.
2, Mosques.
3, Synagogues.
4, All reality T.V.
5. Coronation Street.
6, Emmerdale.
your turn to add!

The Aunt dijo...

"Armadillo Day" tee hee!

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> Indeed - it's a post topic on it's own. You forgot pop music, snails as food, gay people that have to prove they're gay, guns, and American Religious freaks (and yes, GW Bushfuck falls into that category)

Aunty -> cool, I made you smile - it may wear off by the end of this week - bearing in mind the subject...

john.g. dijo...

Goth, you cant ban guns! How are we going to despatch all the gays and American religious freaks?

SpanishGoth dijo...

JG -> Simple or siempre (in Spanish) - we just lock the fuckers in a room together and never open it ;-)